Lucas - Dont waste your pretty: the go-to guide for making smarter decisions in life & love

Copyright 2014 by Demetria L. Lucas

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher, addressed Attention: Permis-sions Coordinator, at the website below.

Demetria L. Lucas/Books By Belle
www.ABELLEINBROOKLYN.com

Book Layout 2013 BookDesignTemplates.com

Ordering Information:

Quantity sales. Special discounts are available on quantity purchases by corporations, associations, and others. For details, contact the Special Sales Department at the website above.

Dont Waste Your Pretty/ Demetria L. Lucas -- 1st ed.
ISBN 978-0-9908194-0-0 (pbk)
ISBN 978-0-9908194-1-7 (ebook)

Hi, Mom

Introduction

Confession: I became a dating coach by accident.

Let me explain.

In late 2010, I was revving up to release my first book, A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life (Atria). The book was based on my blog, ABelleinBrooklyn.com, where for then-four years, I had shared some of my dating and relationship "adventures", and those of my friends, and interviewed men about their perspective on all things women. For the book, I compiled a "best of", well, of, my experiences with men the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I didnt write a traditional advice guide. There were no, "if you're X type of woman, do Y" tidbits laid out. I opted to tell stories since that's how I always learned best. I left it up to readers to take what they needed/wanted, or just read, and hopefully, enjoy. A friend suggested I launch a Formspring page, a site where readers could ask anonymous questions, or give me feedback or I could fill in the blanks about the book, or elaborate further. The best-case scenario was the site would operate as a sort of Meet the Author online book club.

What happened was much different. The early adapters wanted to know about the process of getting a book deal (hard) or writing a book (harder). Everyone else? The majority? They wanted dating and relationship advice. Though the questions and answers numbered into the thousands 38,000 at the time of publication we rarely discussed A Belle in Brooklyn.

Formspring (and the site I currently use, Ask.Fm) and its anonymity were an unseen blessing. Readers could put their business in the street without anyone knowing it was theirs. I realized a lot of women didn't have anyone to speak freely with about the ups and downs of like, love and/or sex. And while there were plenty of guys billing themselves as "relationship gurus" and telling women how to succeed at love, the advice often wasn't empowering, or the guys didnt always get it because they werent women. Women wanted to hear from another woman. I saw a void, so I kept filling it.

I figured if I was going to help people sort through one of the most important aspects of their lives finding and keeping love I couldn't just wing it. To do that would make me too similar to some not all of the guy "gurus" I criticized. I didn't want to become one of those Internet advisers throwing witty sayings up against a picture of myself and hoping it made sense. I wanted to know. So, in the middle of prepping for the launch of A Belle in Brooklyn, a daunting process if ever there was one, I enrolled in life coaching school.

When I graduated, the month before my book was published, I opened the doors to my own life coaching company, Coached By Belle. I began accepting clients and feverishly tackling all those dating and relationship questions flooding my Formspring inbox.

In the last four years, I've coached hundreds of clients and answered tens of thousands of questions on Formspring, Ask.Fm, and Ask Belle on ABelleinBrooklyn.com from women and men facing dating and relationship dilemmas. It didnt take long to notice some repetition in the questions: Should I date more than one person at a time? What are the differences between girlfriend and wife duties? Should I give my ex a second chance? Should I tell a friend her man is cheating? How do I tell my boyfriend about my sexualassault? Can I upgrade from friends with benefits to girlfriend?

I also noticed some popular patterns of behavior that led to disastrous outcomes. Many readers were investing too much time in guys (and girls) that had shown all the signs that they weren't interested; and there were a lot of good people with bad communication skills, mostly because they were afraid to ask for what they wanted. So many readers were "wasting their pretty" and their time and their affection (an overlooked commodity in the dating marketplace) and their energy (and sometimes money).

What you hold in your hands, or er, maybe scroll through on your e-device, is a "best of" book, because let's face it: you're not scrolling through 38,000 questions. I've complied (and categorized) the most frequent and/or popular queries Ive received from real women in my coaching practice and online forums, and laid out the solutions to help you quickly jump-start your dating life, communicate better with your partner, or walk away from and get over a bad relationship. And more. Whatever you're going through, someone else is too, and they've probably asked me about it.

I need to give you a warning: Don't Waste Your Pretty isn't always pretty. I'm not an incense burning, peace and blessings, snap-instead-of-clap type of life coach. Occasionally, I will be more "Brooklyn" than I am "Belle". Sometimes I will give it to you raw. What-ever I say or how I say it, getting you into a better situation is always my goal.

Before we begin, you should also know I will challenge many of the thoughts you have about dating and relationships and friendships. Many of us have perspectives that arent always beneficial to us. (Notice the us. Even as a coach, I am a work in progress too.) Im going to say things that may be jarring to your belief system (dating multiple people, choosing yourself first, cutting your losses quickly, etc.). I challenge you to approach Dont Waste Your Pretty with an open mind and I'll rise to the challenge of delivering advice that tips the dating and relationship odds in your favor.

Deal?

CHAPTER ONE

Dating 101

Dont waste your pretty probably doesnt mean what you think it does. Many people whove heard me use that phrase think Im implying to women that their looks run out, and they have a limited amount of time to make use of that resource (i.e., snag a man). Yes and no. Looks matter. Youve never seen a man across the room and thought, ooh! I wonder how nice he is. You like the way he looks, or at minimum, how he carries himself. He notices you for the same reason you notice him, because hes attracted.

Your looks are what get initial attention, but theyre also the least important of what you have to offer. Pretty gets you noticed, true. But its everything else you bring to the table that gets a man interested and makes him want to come back.

Your pretty is a cover-all euphemism for describing your resources in the dating marketplace: your energy, emotional investment, time, listening skills, nurturing, sex, sacrifices, cheerleading, hand-holding, confidence, and more. These are resources that women often take for granted and give away to the wrong people while dating and in the