Mirk - You do you: figuring out your body, dating, and sexuality

T he first thing to know about your body is that its yours. You get to decide what to do with your bodywhat it looks like, what feels good, what feels bad, and who to share it with and how. That may sound super obvious, but its actually the basis of a big idea thats the foundation of all dating and sexuality: consent.

Consent refers to granting permission for something to happen or agreeing to do something. When it comes to your body, consent is crucial. If someones going to touch your body, they need your permission. If youre going to touch someone elses body, you need their permission. If you dont like the way someone touches you, talks to you, or makes you feel, you have the right to tell them to treat you differently. Establishing boundaries and making sure theyre respected is hard work. But everyone, including you, has the right to be happy, healthy, and respected.

How do you decide what you want to do with your body? How do you decide what to wear? How to spend your free time? Who to kiss? Who to date? Who to have sex with? Whether to kiss, date, or have sex with anyone at all? The answers to these giant, complicated questions come from you and your values.

Values are the set of principles that define the way you want to be in the world. They guide not just what you do but what you believe. Values come from all parts of your lifefrom your family, your friends, your culture, and your communities. Sometimes these values match your feelings and beliefs perfectly. Sometimes they dont. If they dont, you have the right to question them and to shape your values in a way that makes sense for you. If you find yourself questioning the values of people in your life, look for people who share values closer to yours and talk to them. You get to pick what values feel most important to you and what defines the absolute core of who you are. You define your values for yourself.

Not everyone has the same values. Whats important to you is not the same as whats important to everyone else. Recognizing that difference is essential for helping you make decisions and understanding the decisions other people make. Whenever you face a difficult situation, its helpful to ask, Well, what choice is most in line with my values?

Figuring out your values requires examining the big ideas behind your desires. Here are some examples. Do any of these describe whats most important to you? Make a list of your core values. Here are some ideas to get started:

• living an independent life
• respecting privacy and personal choices
• exploring the world as much as possible
• respecting my parents wishes
• supporting my family
• being a compassionate friend
• behaving as my religion tells me to
• making the world a better place
• doing whatever makes me happy
• living sustainably, so I impact the environment as little as possible
• being honest about my life with my family and friends
• taking care of my body and health above all else
• working as hard as possible to be the absolute best

Explore contrasting values in these two scenarios:

Elyse and Jessie go to the homecoming dance. The DJ plays a song that Elyse hatesits about how men only like women with big butts. She thinks its demeaning to women. But to her surprise, Jessie runs out on the dance floor and starts dancing along. She loves the song! She seems to have fun dancing in a super-sexy way that shocks Elyse, who feels left out and abandoned. When the song is over, Elyse tells Jessie that she was dancing like a total idiot. Jessie feels really hurt and starts crying.

• What values might Elyse have that make her not want to participate in dancing along to this song?
• What values might Jessie have that make her feel good about dancing to this song?
• How could Jessie and Elyse have handled this situation differently to be true to themselves but not hurt each other?

Amisa has been accepted to two colleges: her dream school in Los Angeles, where she could pursue her passion of filmmaking, and the more affordable state school nearby. Her boyfriend is going to the state school too. If she goes there, they could stay together and maybe get married soon. Her parents, who are paying for half the cost of college, also want her to go to the state school because it will be cheaper. Amisa is wondering whether she should take out bigger student loans and leave her boyfriend so she can follow her ambition to be a film director.

• What values are important to Amisa?
• What will she be sacrificing by making either decision?
• What pressures is she facing? Which should she take seriously, and which should she maybe ignore?

Call Out Catcalling

Hey sexy! Nice butt! Id hit that! One of the most common examples of consent violating is street harassment. The group Stop Street Harassment defines gender-based street harassment as any unwanted comments, gestures, and actions forced on a stranger in a public place without their consent and directed at them because of their actual or perceived sex, gender, gender expression, or sexual orientation. Street harassment involves someone leering, whistling, honking, making a sexist comment, calling out a slur, following you, or blocking your path. In the United States, 65 percent of women and 25 percent of men have experienced some form of sexual harassment. Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer/questioning (LGBTQ) people face higher rates of harassment. People often try to brush off street harassment by saying its a compliment or just a joke. But its not okay to make sexual comments to anyone without their permission.