Goddard - Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men

More Than Lip Service

For me, when communication isnt happening, the situation becomes very dissatisfying. If I dont know what she wants (or he, when Ive been sexual with men), or vice versa, we end up trying to second-guess each other and it isnt as gratifying as it could be.

Rena, 41, Toronto

L esbians are well known for their processing. The Sapphic sisters tend to discuss and emotionally process everything, from when to merge bank accounts and rent a U-Haul, to the cultural effects of the latest socially conscious film, to how they felt about last nights romp. They talk. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Sometimes to a fault, overprocessing and running clarity into the ground. Thats how the stereotype goes, anyway. It can certainly be true. Remember, the thing about stereotypes is that they typify people, and there are always exceptions. If women tend to be more verbal in general, then two women together is going to mean more discussing, communicating, and mouth-to-mouth action. Lesbians know about more than one kind of oral sex! Many people dont talknot really. Most people actually avoid talking about the very things that would improve their sex lives and develop intimacy.

Honey, Come Closer

Your most important sex organ isnt between your legs. Its between your ears.

Communication, ooh la la... its the reason you bought the book, right? If you are ready to skip to the juicy stuff, stop! If you have an aversion to this section for any reason, then thats the very reason you must read it. And if you are a man who is excited about learning to communicate about sex better, then serious kudos to you. Needless to say, communication is the number one way to find out what your partner likes. Its importance cant be overstressed. One thing is for sure: Communication is not easy for most people. It takes practice and work to get good at it. This is one area where lesbians can definitely share the knowledge.

When there are issues between lovers and communication is shut down, sex suffers. How often was it that the first place you realized there was trouble in your relationship was in bed, when your partner was not really responding? Communication about sex is a complex business; there are layers and levels of meaning, and in the end it should be an onion-peeling process: I reveal a layer for you, you reveal a layer for me. Where there is trust combined with curiosity and healthy libidos, spontaneous combustion is sure to follow.

Lee, 54, Northbrook, Illinois

Nobody said it was easy. Far from it. Talking about what is challenging or not working in a relationship, especially when it comes to sex, is sticky business. Even just talking about what we like or want can be hard, because we dont always learn to ask for what we want. Many emotionslike embarrassment or guiltcan come into play, adding more pressure. But once you break the ice, the ride gets a whole lot easier.

I dont know how to talk about sex. I feel crude when I say cunt, pussy, tits, cock. And I feel nerdy and clinical when I say vagina, clitoris, breasts, penis.

Dan, 28, Atlanta

Anytime I talk about a womans appearance I feel like a pig. To physicalize a woman in any way makes me feel evil. So how am I supposed to talk about sex? I dont feel like I have the right to talk about a woman, at least not in front of a woman, like she might pull rank or something. So Ive just shut up.

Jim, 23, San Francisco

Its hard to talk about sex because we rarely see it modeled for us. You probably didnt witness mom and dad having sexual negotiations. We dont see healthy sexual conversations on television or in film either. So how do you learn to do it yourself?

Sexual language can be charged. Just hearing sexual ideas can bring up shame, guilt, or make us feel dirty. It can also excite us and help us get in touch with our sexuality and our bodies. Our society is plagued with a conflicted attitude toward sex and the body. Most sex words are considered dirty words, or they carry negative connotations. Sex words, especially those associated with our bodies and sexual acts, are normally used as insults. Lets be abnormal and use them in a positive way. There is a strange irony in our using as insults words that give us so much pleasure.

When someone is weak or wimpy, theyre called a pussy. When someone is being totally obnoxious, theyre called a dick or an asshole. Anger is often expressed with phrases like fuck you or cocksucker. And one common insult is Suck my dick. Because this language is so negatively charged, its hard to participate in the acts they describe with pure joy and pride. Even if we feel we are beyond this, the negative overtones reverberate at the unconscious level. So we need to make an effort to clean out our unconscious closet.

The first step in sexual communication is purging the words of their negative qualities and endowing them with positive feelings, taking back the language of sex and owning it as many gay folks have done with the words queer, dyke, or fag. Of course, the words carry a very different meaning when outsiders use them. We need to take sexual language back and see it as a positive source of communication and not as a way to create shame and hurl insults. When you first start to talk about sex, using this provocative language may make you feel awkward and shy; but with practice and a good attitude, the joy, eroticism, and power in the words will come shining through.

You will find that many of your female partners wont even know what to call their own genitals. Many women havent found words they are comfortable with yet, and thats often because they are not comfortable with their genitals, period. You may have to work with each sexual partner you have to find words that work for both of you.

Honey, Come Closer

Each time youre with a new lover you have to create a new language. You have to find a way to talk about love and sex that opens you up and excites you both.

While we were having sex I was, for the first time, vocal about what I wanted her to donamely, to be inside me. I feel like a different person now that I have had sex in something other than silence.

Michelle, 30, New York

Sharing fantasies after sex is a great way to learn about each other when you feel the closest and most open.

Ali, 27, Tucson

If you are one of those people who think talking about sex ruins the mood, destroys the moment, is an interruption, or is not sexy, its time for a reality check. Talking about sex before you ever get naked with someone can be the hottest prelude, the best foreplay, and pretty good insurance that youll have a mutually satisfying experience. It doesnt mean it will be perfect, but sharing with your partner your likes and dislikes, what you want to try, and where your boundaries are will give you both a lot more to work with than fumbling hands, silence, and lack of mental connection.

Just about 100 percent of the people weve spoken with while writing this book have sworn by this. The other thing that became clear is that folks need to do a lot of work on communicating about sex. Not just men, women too, although the consensus seems to be that men need a little extra push. One woman put it frankly: Men suck at communication. Now, we know that there are men out there who are amazing communicators, so keep up the good workthis will be a refresher for you. For those who need some work in this area, lets get down to business.