Dahlia Gallin Ramirez - Sex and the Single Panda

Copyright 2022 by Dahlia Gallin Ramirez.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN: 978-1-7972-1399-6 (hc), 978-1-7972-1531-0 (epub)

Design by Jon Glick.

Chronicle Books LLC

680 Second Street

San Francisco, CA 94107

www.chroniclebooks.com

For Andrs and Sissel

The idea for this book came while I was watching a nature special about rabbits. No spoilers (because its in this book), but their courtship ritual is nuts. I started thinking about how rabbits, and other creatures, might describe their own mating behaviora sort of dating profile but with the raw honesty that animals do best.

I started with the obvious bad boysthe exploding genitalia, the spraying fecesand then delved into the subtler waters of fake DILFs, leg-wrestlers, and balloon artists. And then the females, God help us. While they may be harder to spot, they make up for it in sheer, vile terror.

When it comes to seeking a mate, animals are just like people you might know: proud, aggressive, earnest, deceptive, heartbreakingly vulnerable, andmostlyvery, very horny.

You may see yourself in here. Or maybe youll recognize an ex. You may find yourself saying things like, I would have sex with the clownfish! Dont worry, its not bestiality; its just an innocent thought experiment, and we all do it. I, for one, have a crush on the southern ground hornbill.

Speaking of raw honesty, many people have read details in this book and asked, Is that really true? Yes, everything in this book is true. The only things that arent entirely scientifically accurate are the eyes and eyebrows that I drew on some of the animals, especially the spiders. I just had to give them some personality, because honestly, I cant even tell which end is the face.

And finally, a word of caution followed by a word of wisdom: Almost everything in this book is what you might call disgusting. Ill ask you to remember that everything depicted here is 100% from nature, and nature can never be wrong.

I will present you with a beautiful, silk-wrapped gift. It may be a tasty treat, the corpse of a competitor, a twig, orpsych!nothing at all. While you unwrap it, Ill mate with you, hopefully finishing before you realize its the latter.

Want the gift but not me? Ill just play dead, clutching the gift in my stiff, cold hands. As you drag the gift away, Ill dingleberry along with it. When you get me home, Ill magically revive and chase you around the kitchen table. If youre not a little bit in love with me by then, youre nuts.

Pisaura mirabilis

Many animals play dead to avoid being eaten, but male nursery web spiders are the only known pervs who play dead to get laid. This behavior is called thanatosis, and its charming enough to work on its own. But throw a fake nuptial gift into the mix? Too naughty; well take it!

If you want to be with me, you need to be 100 percent okay with the fact that I can take down a wildebeest by myself, I can chew bones to a fine powder, and my penis is bigger than yours. You heard me right: I have a pseudo penis and pseudo scrotum, but theres nothing pseudo about having to roll my ween back like a tube sock for sex. And when its time to give birth, let me just say this: Imagine giving birth through your dong. Now watch me do it.

Crocuta crocuta

Relax your mind, and prepare for a confusing anatomy lesson. The pseudo scrotum is actually fused-shut vaginal labia. And the pseudo penis is a seven-inch clitoris with an opening for urination (okay), sex (oy), and childbirth (omfg).

I know you ladies are in the mood only eight to twelve hours a year, so I wont waste your time. Ill climb up a tree, about seven feet above you, and drench you with urine. If you appreciate that, well mate. If you dont, Im in major fucking trouble.

Erethizon dorsatum

Yes, female North American porcupines really are fertile only once a year, every September, for a window of eight to twelve hours. The rest of the year, they are so sexually inactive that the vagina is literally closed for business, sealed over with a membrane. If the female likes the guy, the super-soaking stimulates her to go into estrus. If not, she screams at him, shakes herself off, and runs away.

Peepee. Theres a reason its called number one. This liquid calling card tells potential partners a lot about you, including the fact that youre in to urine. Lets meet some elite members of the Urinati.

To coax her way into a hunks den, a female lobster wafts urine into his home, essentially drugging him with her wizz. Intoxicated, he has no choice but to invite her in.

You know how a restaurant server pours you a little bit of wine and then stands there awkwardly while you taste it and say its fine? In giraffe land, thats called the Flehmen sequence, and instead of wine, its piss. The female offers a taste test to the male. If it has an ovulatory bouquet, its on.

Ill save you a few boring dinners by telling you that I dont do sex. My kind is all-female, all day long, and we populate without the copulate. Thats right; no men. Its like Wonder Womans all-girl island, Themyscira, only if Chris Pine washed up on the beach wed let him rot like a whale. My idea of a perfect date is pound cake followed by tweezing my eyebrows. But I have to be careful, because the last time I looked in the mirror too long I got pregnant.