Jennifer Louden - The Couples Comfort Book: A Creative Guide for Renewing Passion, Pleasure and Commitment

THE
COUPLES
COMFORT BOOK

A Creative Guide for
Renewing Passion, Pleasure
& Commitment

JENNIFER LOUDEN

To
Christopher Martin Mosio,
my beloved

Contents

I have been married now for fourteen years. We have a daughter. She will soon be ten. We have survived the death of a parent, financial pressure, a major move, parenting, intense travel schedulesnot to mention coming to terms with the startling truth: we really do marry our opposites.

My parents always told me that marriage is hard work. They never told me there would be days when you hate your spouse. Days? Sometimes weeks. No one told me what a cold war marriage can be. Not that I would have listened. At twenty-three, looking into those big green eyes of my husband, I would have said (and probably did, if I could remember), Not us. Well be different.

Darby tells her version of the relationship saga. Almost ten years ago, very early on in my partners and my relationship, I found The Couples Comfort Book at a local bookstore. Being dopey in love, I picked it up and ended up stretching my limited grad-student budget to bring it home. Dopey in love from time to time gave way to conflict (sound familiar?), and one night I grabbed the book and scrambled to the chapter on how to have a fair fight. Were gonna do it this way! I said, waving the book. Youll be Carlos, and Ill be Martya! We aired our views, and we really listened to each other (see pg. 285). We didnt interrupt, snipe, or manipulate. We learned to argue by the book, and both of us firmly believe that if we hadnt learned how to play fair in our times of difference, we would have called it quits long ago. I really appreciate the books recognition that love wears many emotional hats (delight, neediness, desire, ennui, anger, etc.)that is its greatest strength. Ten years later, we still pull this book off the shelf.

Maybe some people dont have to learn to fight by the book. Maybe some relationships are blessed. There do seem to be couples who inhabit what I call the nirvana of relationshipsmarried or not, parents or not, straight or gaythey have found someone with whom they are complete. Okay, yes, they fight, they may mutter petty, flinty-hearted things under their breaths, but somehow, these couples have an I-cant-live-without-you connection, some extra reserve of magic patience and grace. One couple I knew could spend five minutes saying goodbyeand all they were doing was driving across town in separate cars, all of a ten-minute trip!

For the rest of us, mere mortals, we must face the astonishingly difficult spiritual work of being in a relationship without that magic. We must face the worst and the best in ourselves, over and over again, if we choose to stay together, if we choose to create real intimacy. Face itthe hardest spiritual path in life is being in a committed relationship. Yes, I can say parenting is a close second, but the really hard years of parenting do end. You still worry, you are still connected, oh yes, but the everyday rub up against it, that ends. The children move out (hopefully). Your partner doesnt (hopefully).

I wish I could find a magic pill to make my marriage easier. The only thing I have found, which I return to over and over, is the idea that by being together, we create a third something: the relationship. This third something needs love, attention, and feeding. As much as I may hate my partner at any given moment, I value and treasure this third thing with my whole being. It is very precious to me. It deserves to flourish. So most of the time, I can do something to nurture the relationship, even when Id like to find subtle and crafty ways to torture my husband. Usually, any step I take away from my usual routine, from, If he would only do ______, then I would be able to do ______, away from our tangled, sour power struggles, and into serving the relationship, then the funniest thing always happens. He does something nice for me. Then I look at him across the kitchen counter, and suddenly, hes cute again. I scoot over to his side of the bed. I say how nice it would be to go away for a weekend together, alone. We talkabout important things or mundane things but we talk. In those moments, we are one of those couples; we are graced and living in relationship nirvana.

Nurturing your relationship is certainly not mandatory. Most people dont do it. You can certainly avoid it, keep meaning to do it, talk about doing it without actually doing it. Nobody will die. You may even stay together.

Yet I wager that you will feel you are missing something, something juicier, richer, more intimate, more real, more alive. Id never suggest that taking this step toward one another is easy, but I can declare that the reward is what we all yearn for, in the words of the late Raymond Carver: to call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on this earth.

Jennifer Louden
November 2003

Bainbridge Island, Washington

Introduction
How to Read and Use This Book

Youve had an awful week at work, and to top it off, as you drive home you feel a cold settling into your chest. You cant wait to tell your mate, who you know will comfort and soothe you, but five minutes after you arrive home, you find yourself battling with your partner over who is the most exhausted and overworked. Disappointed and angry, you crawl into bed, completely baffled by what went wrong.

or

Youre bursting with love and appreciation for this great person you share your life with, but you cant think of how to show it, so you rely on the nice but slightly stale rituals of making dinner or giving flowers.

or

You look across the pile of bills at the face you cherish and try hard to remember the last time you did anything fun, wild, or spontaneous together. A fantasy begins to form, but the baby wails and your mirage of frisky fun disappears in a whiff of dirty diapers.

Now, what do you do?

A. Sigh and do nothing? (The most popular choice.)

B. Let your relationship grow stale? (The second most popular choice.)

C. Move to Tahiti and open a breadfruit stand? (Good fantasy.)

D. Pick up The Couples Comfort Book and start renewing passion and love in your relationship? (Youve got nothing to lose.)

What Does Nurturing a Relationship Mean?

Nurturing a relationship is an act as familiar as kissing hello, as flamboyant as a surprise birthday party, as unique to your relationship as a love note written with your pet names, or as universal as regularly voicing your appreciation for your partner. Nurturing your relationship means keeping it current, warm, juicy, sparkling with gratitude, burnished with respect. Nurturing your love means you give it the same attention you do your career, your children, or your commitment to your community. It is the act of creating an environment in which the relationship, and each person, can flourish.

To nurture another human being is to accept that person for who he or she is. To nurture is to honor your lover as the magnificent human being she or he is inside. It is to support your partners growth toward wholeness. It means you honestly care about your partners thoughts, feelings, wants, and especially needs. It is always a reciprocal process. One partner does not do all the nurturing: that is excessive caretaking, and that eventually leads to resentment, burnout, and finally bitterness and alienation.

It is very important that you realize that nurturing your relationship never means tolerating an abusive or destructive situation. Physical, emotional, or verbal abuse is not acceptable at any time. Learning to live with a destructive relationship is not nurturing; it is martyrdom.