Jan Hoistad - Romance Rehab

Romance
Rehab

10 Steps to Rescue Your Relationship

By Dr. Jan Hoistad

STERLING and the distinctive Sterling logo are registered trademarks of Sterling Publishing Co., Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Hoistad, Jan.

Romance rehab : 10 steps to rescue your relationship / by Jan Hoistad.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-1-4027-6548-3

1. Couples therapy. 2. Marital psychotherapy. I. Title.

RC488.5.H613 2010

616.891562--dc22

2009026298

2 4 6 8 10 9 7 5 3 1

Published by Sterling Publishing Co., Inc.
387 Park Avenue South, New York, NY 10016
2010 by Jan Hoistad

All rights reserved

Sterling ISBN 978-1-4027-6548-3

Sterling eBook ISBN 978-1-4027-7643-4

For information about custom editions, special sales, premium and

corporate purchases, please contact Sterling Special Sales

Department at 800-805-5489 or specialsales@sterlingpublishing.com.

For Megan, Mac, and the promise of
healthy future generations.

The Secret of Lasting Love:
Your Big Picture Adventure

No one is born knowing how to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. However, you can learn how to create the partnership youve always hoped for. If you think your romance needs rehab, this book will show you a solution. If your relationship is on the verge of a breakdown, Romance Rehab can help. If you want to take your basically healthy partnership to a new level or make sure your new relationship is off to a rock-solid start, discover the art of Big Picture Partnering to learn the secrets of lasting love.

Romance Rehab teaches you the 10 Steps of Big Picture Partnering. What is Big Picture Partnering? Its a new way of looking at relationships. It is what you need to create a partnership that is consistently nourishing, affirming, and downright wonderful. It means creating a relationship that stays strong because both of you are getting what you want most in your lives and consistently creating and living your dreams together.

If you were asked to describe the Big Picture of your relationship with your spouse or partner right now, which would be closest to your reaction?

Your heart flutters with excitement at the thought of your newfound love and your dreams and hopes together.

You pause and feel the warmth you have for your partnerwarmth that often becomes buried under piles of laundry or stacks of bills but quickly surfaces again given the opportunity.

You yearn for some time and freedom to be alone with your partneraway from the kids and your careers and the endless responsibilities that have taken over much of your lives.

Youve been fighting or avoiding each otherso many topics are unresolved and the resentment is growingyou are tired of the discord and wonder how you will get the closeness back.

You remember the dreams the two of you had talked about accomplishing together but have never been able to attain.

You remember the way you felt long ago, when you and your partner first fell in loveand you wonder how so many of those feelings have disappeared over the years.

You feel both frightened and hopefulhopeful because after a string of poor decisions about partners, youve finally committed yourself to someone wonderful but frightened that you may make the same mistakes all over again.

You wonder, now that the kids are finally grown or because youre nearing retirement, if the two of you can renew the passion and commitment you felt for each other so many years ago.

If any of these feelings resonate with you, welcome. Youve come to the right place. Romance Rehab will guide you through the 10-Step approach of Big Picture Partnering, a program that helps couples rescue or rejuvenate their romance and create a new and ongoing relationship based on commitment, support, adventure, and joy.

We all know the attraction, excitement, and understanding that accompany the early days and months of courtship. This initial connection often wanes as we take each other and our relationship for granted. After weve been together for a time, we often feel as though our friends and colleagues treat us better than our closest loved one does. How can we keep the good feelings alive or reinvigorate them if they have diminished? Romance Rehab will show you how.

In this day and age, with so many choices, relationships are more confusing than ever. We are also living so much longer that finding ways to keep love alive is challenging for everyone. There is no one formula for a healthy, satisfying relationship anymore. Years ago (in your grandparents and great-grandparents day) when there were fewer options, people knew what was expected of them and of a relationship. They did not question their happiness or satisfaction as we do today. They often married, sometimes for love, but almost always for survival and economic reasons.

All that has changed. We want and expect so much more. We want to be fulfilled as individuals, and we want to love and be loved, to be happy in our most important relationship.

Romance Rehab offers a new model. In this easy to follow program, you will learn the concepts, tools, and skills that help you create a satisfying partnership togethera partnership that is as satisfying as your work, your friendships, and your hobbies. Romance Rehab will teach you how to put things right when they have gotten off track. Big Picture Partnering is the solution. It isnt just a skill or technique, neither is it therapy or fixing whats wrong with either partner in the relationship. Romance Rehab teaches you the 10 Steps that, when combined and practiced consistently, keep your connection alive and your relationship rock-solid. This Big Picture approach is a completely different way of being in a partnershipand of being together in the worldthat offers couples lives full of spontaneity and possibility.

Ive been showing couples how to rehab their romance through Big Picture Partnering for more than twenty years, both in workshops and in counseling and coaching sessions. Ive watched couples use this 10-Step approach to blossom together, to deepen their commitment to each other, and to build the lives they most want to lead jointly.

How to Use This Book

Romance Rehab will lead you through a process that teaches both you and your partner the 10 Steps of successful partnering. These 10 Steps will help you clarify your values, communicate more effectively, and resolve disagreements that have diminished your relationship energy. By applying the 10 Steps, you will find renewed commitment and vitality to help you accomplish your Big Picture goals together, dream together, and then turn those dreams into realityday by day, year by year. Big Picture Partnering shows you how to synchronize yourselves into a true partnership without giving away any of your individuality or freedom.

If youve been fighting, I will ask you to stop for now while you learn new ways to communicate and interact. Then you will revisit your differences and have the tools to find win/win solutions. If you havent been fighting, but issues have been swept under the rug or you want to make your relationship even better, the Big Picture Partnering approach offers you the skills to accomplish these goals.

The 10 Steps to successful partnering can even work if your partner doesnt want to undertake the program with you. As you complete the exercises in the book, you can clarify your own issues while starting conversations with your partner that will help your partnership evolve.