Ben Stein - How to Ruin Your Love Life

Copyright 2003 by Ben Stein

Published and distributed in the United States by: Hay House, Inc., P.O. Box 5100, Carlsbad, CA 92018-5100 Phone: (760) 431-7695 or (800) 654-5126 Fax: (760) 431-6948 or (800) 650-5115 www.hayhouse.com Published and distributed in Australia by: Hay House Australia Ltd., 18/36 Ralph St., Alexandria NSW 2015 Phone: 612-9669-4299 Fax: 612-9669-4144 www.hayhouse.com.au Published and distributed in the United Kingdom by: Hay House UK, Ltd. Unit 202, Canalot Studios 222 Kensal Rd., London W10 5BN Phone: 44-20-8962-1230 Fax: 44-20-8962-1239 www.hayhouse.co.uk Published and distributed in the Republic of South Africa by: Hay House SA (Pty), Ltd., P.O. Box 990, Witkoppen 2068 Phone/Fax: 2711-7012233 orders@psdprom.co.za Distributed in Canada by: Raincoast 9050 Shaughnessy St., Vancouver, B.C. V6P 6E5 Phone: (604) 323-7100 Fax: (604) 323-2600

Editorial supervision: Jill Kramer Design: Tricia Breidenthal

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any mechanical, photographic, or electronic process, or in the form of a phonographic recording; nor may it be stored in a retrieval system, transmitted, or otherwise be copied for public or private useother than for fair use as brief quotations embodied in articles and reviews without prior written permission of the publisher. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Stein, Ben.

How to ruin your love life / Ben Stein.

p. cm.

ISBN 1-4019-0240-5 (cloth) ISBN 1-4019-0285-5 (cloth gift edition) 1. Man-woman relationshipsHumor. 2. LoveHumor. 3. Conduct of lifeHumor. I. Title.

HQ801.S795 2003

306.7dc21

2003009784

ISBN 1-4019-0240-5
Special Edition ISBN: 1-4019-0285-5

06 05 04 03 5 4 3 2
1st printing, August 2003
2nd printing, September 2003

Printed in the United States of America

Other Hay House Titles by Ben Stein

How to Ruin Your Life
(also available as an audiocassette and CD)

How to Ruin Your Financial Life
(available April 2004)

Hay House Titles of Related Interest

Books

Feng Shui Dos & Taboos for Love, by Angi Ma Wong

Getting Unstuck:8 Simple Steps to Solving Any Problem,
by Dr. Joy Browne

The Relationship Problem Solver for Love,
Marriage, and Dating, by Kelly E. Johnson, M.D.

Secrets of Attraction:
The Universal Laws of Love, Sex, and Romance,
by Sandra Anne Taylor

Card Decks

Manifesting Good Luck Cards:
Love and Relationships, by Deepak Chopra

Heart and Soul, by Sylvia Browne

I Can Do ItCards:
Affirmations for Romance, by Louise L. Hay

MarsVenus Cards, by John Gray

All of the above are available at your local bookstore, or may be ordered through Hay House, Inc.:

(800) 654-5126 or (760) 431-7695
(800) 650-5115 (fax) or (760) 431-6948 (fax)
www.hayhouse.com (Hay House USA)
www.hayhouse.com.au (Hay House Australia)
www.hayhouse.co.uk (Hay House U.K.)

[Authors Note: Ive alternated the use of male and female pronouns throughout the book to avoid the awkwardness of the he/she construction, and also to avoid disparaging one gender over the other. Be assured, however, that all of these essays apply to both sexes.]

Know That Your Wishes
Are the Only Ones
That Matter in Any Situation

Something that youre going to have to get into your little pumpkin head is that your lover basically exists to help you. He has no meaningful life independent of what he can do for you. Yes, your lover may have what some might see as personal interests, hobbies, needs, wishes, and fears, but those arent important. What is important, what does count, is what your lover can do for you. If hes interested in playing tennis or buying antiques or watching the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on TV, thats worthy of some tiny, passing notice. And if he has some desire to live a life that has some modicum of independence to it, thats also interesting, ho-hum. You might acknowledge it with a cursory nod and a wave.

But what really counts in any relationship is you! What you want from the relationship is what matters. What you want out of your lover is what always comes first in any and every situation.

If your lover wants to stay home and listen to operaor even sing along with Ludacris on the stereothats nice, and you might say how cute he is for having that desire. But what really matters is what you want to do. If you decide that you simply have to go shopping for furniture on this particular day, then thats what youre both going to do. If you have to go to the mall and want to drag your lover along, no matter how unhappy he looks, then thats the deciding vote. (By the way, you always cast the deciding vote about everything.) If you want to go to a friends house and watch old movies and drink cocktails on a Saturday night while your lover sits home alone, then thats the way it has to be.

If you feel that you dont want to go on a vacation and your lover does, then just stay home and watch him stew in his own juices. You see, your goal here is to express in words and actions that your wishes are the only ones that matter.

The truth is that your love object is incredibly, unbelievably lucky to have you in his life. Just for this unworthy soul to be associated with you is such a grand honor that you dont really need to pay any further attention to his desires.

Plus, the truth is, and this is so important
that it deserves its own rule

Rest Assured That You
Know Better about Every
Subject Than Your Lover

This is not particularly a matter of education or who went to what college or graduate school. This is not about your thinking that you know better because you have a Ph.D. in psychology and your lover is a high-school dropout. No, this has to do with the fact that you, just for being you, know better than your lover about everything. You know better about sports, food, and clothing. You know better about her family. You especially know better about her friends.

You just plain know better about everything. You can save a lot of future aggravation and pain if you just make that clear early on. Yes, you may listen briefly to your lovers opinions (never factsalways, at best, opinions) and nod politely and pityingly at them. But are they truly deserving of being heard? Is it really worth the time of someone as smart as you to hear such low-order blathering? I dont think so, and neither do you.

You know better about who to hang out with, who to be around, who not to be around, where to live, what to buy, and what not to buy.