Joy Browne - The Nine Fantasies That Will Ruin Your Life (and the Eight Realities That Will Save You)

A LSO BY D R. J OY B ROWNE

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To the child in all of us who wants desperately to
believe and the adult that fashions a wonderful life
from reality.

The world was eagerly awaiting this book, and it appears exactly as it sprung from my head well, thats the fantasy. The reality is that there are a number of very hard-working, good-hearted souls who helped me sculpt and polish this work into what it has become.

The book could not have occurred without Joni Evans: She held my hand through thick ideas and thin concepts and kept asking those irritating questions that made me think, work, and create. Joni did this over the holidays without so much as a peep. Her assistant, Tiffany Ericksen, supplied access, cold water, and endless enthusiasm. You go girls.

Its tough to be an editor. Youve got to convince your author that shes got to cut, rework, trim, and rethink without throwing things, pouting, or calling her mom. Sue Carswell is smart, tough, and stubborn, and the perfect editor for someone like me. Her assistant, Rachel Kahan, can always be counted on for the perfect factoid, pithy comment, or historical note.

A fine-tooth comb never had more competition than from Donna Ryan, who caught the errors and sharpened my focus. The legendary Amy Boorstein had the final say and said, Let there be a book.

Thanks also to Mary Schuck, who indulged my whims to help design a terrific cover, photographer Debra Feingold who made me look good, and Mario DAiuto, who supplied goodies over the holidays so I could keep writing with a minimum of self-pity.

Thanks to all the folks at Crown who have demonstrated unflagging enthusiasm from that first fateful five oclock meeting. Chip Gibson and Steve Rossas both pep squad and lunch hostsyoure the best. Thanks to Barbara Marks and her gang for doing such a good job getting the word out. I hope I have justified your enthusiasm and hard work.

I sincerely thank you all for turning my pride into prose and my fantasy into reality.

Dr. Joy Browne
New York City

L ook, I know you think fantasies are fun, sexy, and cool, whether you dream of being Cinderella or Prince Charming, or that your love will be passionate, available, rich, gorgeous, and lovable. Even if you think of yourself as too old or too sophisticated to believe in fairy tales, Ill bet you occasionally indulge in the giddy notion of someday playing for the L.A. Lakers or winning the gold in wrestling by overpowering that third-grade bully who still haunts your nightmares. Maybe in this alternate reality, youre accepting an Oscar or being crowned Miss America or doing something you wont admit to in public. Everybody indulges in fantasies from time to time, but as a lifestyle choice, were talking di-sas-ter! Even if these seemingly harmless little devils dont ruin your life, they can cause a lot of avoidable misery. The alternative to fantasies is a happy and fulfilling life, so please listen up.

Ruinous fantasy? I can hear you saying. She needs to get a grip. How can a fantasy be anything but pleasurable? How can such a whimsical idea cause anyone harm? Think about it: if you fantasize that you can fly and decide to test the idea from the observation deck of the Empire State Building well, you get my point.

The purists among you will point out that its not the belief thats so dangerous, but the action based on the belief, and youd be right on the money. If I can persuade you to examine your beliefs, then your actions will follow a safer, saner, and more productive path. Okay? Okay.

Repeat after me: Fantasies arent real. If something isnt real, its dangerous to believe it. Other people may tell us lies or try to convince us of their points of view. Their reasons may be lofty or lower than a snakes belly, but a fantasy is a lie we tell ourselves, and because it isnt true, its toxic, no matter how harmless and whimsical it seems. Fantasies are a distraction from the business of running our lives successfully and realistically. I plan to wrestle these pesky critters to the ground so we can all get on with the pleasure of focused thoughts and energy.

Okay, I admit that fantasies may not actually kill you, but they can make you wish you were dead. They can effectively ruin your life by seducing you into painful and unnecessarily destructive situations. (Fantasy, in fact, is an interesting word: it was originally spelled with a ph rather than an f, which suggests that its related to phantasma ghost, an odd, capricious illusion rather than a reality.) Most of us think of fantasies as dreams that make us happy, but the fantasies discussed here will offer pleasure only temporarily and at great cost. They are familiar and comfortable, but they can be dangerous and counterproductive in the long run.

Fantasies are delusions that no amount of medication can cure; the sufferer requires a dollop of common sense. And you, fair reader, are in luck because sensible is my middle name. Whoops, no fantasies here: I have no middle name, but I am imminently practical and sane. These poisonous fantasies are a lot subtler than the delusion that youre Joan of Arc, but theyre also a lot more common. Not to worry. I am going to tell you not only what these fatal notions are and how to avoid them but also how to substitute healthy, life-giving realities that will save you from self-induced misery and enhance your life.

All of us grow up believing certain things to be true. Parents, teachers, grandparents, older siblings, books, Sunday school teachers, baby-sitters, and best friends weave fairy tales about handsome heroes and beautiful maidens. These commonly held beliefs can be

• Harmless: The world is round. Its not. Its an oblate spheroid, which is fancy talk for a flattened ball. But who cares?

• Silly: If you make an unpleasant face, Jack Frost will come along and freeze it permanently.

• Tantalizing: If you kiss your elbow, youll turn into the opposite sex.

• Dangerous: If you step on a crack, youll break your mothers back.

• Romantic: If you sleep on a slice of wedding cake, youll dream of your true love.

• Hopeful: A loose eyelash gives you a free wish.

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