Anonymous - Cheatingland: The Secret Confessions of Men Who Stray

Cheatingland

The Secret Confessions of Men Who Stray

Anonymous

Thank you for downloading this Simon & Schuster ebook.

Get a FREE ebook when you join our mailing list. Plus, get updates on new releases, deals, recommended reads, and more from Simon & Schuster. Click below to sign up and see terms and conditions.

CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP

Already a subscriber? Provide your email again so we can register this ebook and send you more of what you like to read. You will continue to receive exclusive offers in your inbox.

I was sitting in the locker room after a workout, talking about nothing with the guys, when someone Ill call Adam kicked opened the door to another world. He looked around the room to make sure no one would overhear him and thenin a tone youd use to tell your friends about a bank heist youd just pulled offhe said, I got a new girl. His spine straightened as if a pulse of electricity had zipped through it.

We were in the Hilton yesterday. She is crazy! The sex is insane! He said things had been building for a while. Weve been flirting for years, okay, and nothing ever happened until one day it just happened. We know its wrong. But the sex is ridiculous because its grimy. This guy knew he was playing with fire, and he liked that. Breathlessly, he went into detail about their wildest sexcapade. Meanwhile, Adams wife was sitting outside, waiting to drive him home.

The other day my girlfriend parked her car down the street from my house and waited for my wife to leave to go to work. We were hanging on his every word. As soon as she saw her drive away, she pulled in. My heart was beating so fast it was crazy. After Adam finished his story, everyone walked out of the locker room, said hi to his wife, and gave her hugs, as if nothing unusual had been said.

A month later, another friend invited me out to dinner, saying that he had something he wanted to show me. I arrived at the restaurant to find that he had booked a table for three. Then he strolled in beaming with pride because he had a woman on his arm. I had dinner with him and his girlfriend of three months while our wives were at our sons evening martial arts class. His girlfriend was also married. They werent even considering breaking up their respective homes, but they enjoyed each other and loved the thrill of their clandestine relationship and their intense sex. The action took place in an apartment theyd slip off to after work, a place she referred to as Cheatingland. She made it sound like Cheatingland was a clandestine little country with its own customssort of Fantasy Island, where wedding vows were forgotten and normally mild-mannered people could morph into sexual beasts.

After those two encounters, I started thinking about how many men I knew who had cheated on their wives. I thought back to all the men who had whispered or crowed about what theyd done and all the men Id heard about who were running around in the shadows with women they werent married to. I realized that there are a lot of men ducking in and out of Cheatingland. It seemed to be pretty common even though it was an extremely dangerous place to visit. The risk of ruining ones marriage, if not ones life, was really highI knew people whod been caught cheating, and it destroyed their familiesso what were the cheaters really looking for that was worth the risk? If it was just about sex, you could hire a prostitute, but these men were not doing that; they were chasing and sleeping with women who werent professionals. I began wondering what sort of man would do that. Is there a type of man? Are there certain traits that link men who cheat? How did they keep from getting caught? And what happened when they did get caught?

I thought about the ones I knew. They seemed like a unique breed, many of them egotistical, brash, bold, thrill seeking, and hypersexual, with lots of what millennials call Big Dick Energy. But there were significant differences within the group. Some guys had been crazy when they were single and kept it up when they were married. Some guys seemed like they were trying to make up for lost time after having been not all that successful with women before they were married. Some were in unhappy unions, but plenty of them lived in happy homes. I knew men who loved their wives immensely but were nonetheless willing to leap into bed with someone else and saw no contradiction in that. Theres a Russian roulette aspect to all of it: some men get away with it for years, while others get caught and ruin their lives. Most husbands dont cheat on their spouses, but lots do, and a lot more men get away with it than wives realize.

But whats the real reason why men cheat? Is it really about the pursuit of sex or the thrill of the hunt, or is there something missing from their marriages that they are trying to find elsewhere? Or is it some void within themselves? Is sex enough, or do they need a relationship, too? Are they getting revenge on their spouses? Have their wives done something wrong, or are some men simply socialized to be unfaithful despite that wedding band on their finger? Are they trying to prove something to themselves? Searching for a new partner? Do they just want to have more than one woman? Or was there some emotional need they were trying to fulfill? The more I thought about the men I knew, the more I realized I knew almost nothing about this behavior that so many of them were engaging in.

As a society, it seems like we cant stop talking about cheating. Its a theme in countless movies, TV shows, songs, and novels. Forbidden sex is steamy, seedy, titillating cultural catnip. And its not just in the culture: go to any cocktail party, have a few drinks, and get deep into a one-on-one with someone who feels like he can trust you, and odds are hes got a cheating story to tell, either about a friend, or about their spouse, or about themselves. Most people think cheating is wrong, yet a lot of folks are doing it.

Having an affair fills every day with danger: one wrong move, one wrong word, and a cheaters life might explode. No one wants to hurt his spouse. No one wants to lose his kids. No one wants to be the reason why his family fell apart. And yet people keep flocking to Cheatingland partly because the combination of lust and risk plugs a relationship into a high-voltage electric outlet. The person youre not supposed to talk to, not supposed to be alone with, not supposed to be having sex with? That person can be insanely alluring precisely because shes off-limits. Many people dismiss men who cheat as dogs and women who cheat as whores, but there must be more behind the choice to cheat than a simple lack of character or an animalistic desire for sex.

As my friends stories about cheating swirled around in my mind, I wondered if it was possible to get guys to talk to me in depth about what theyd done. At least ten married men I knew had confided that theyd cheated at some point, but this was mostly bragging. Could I get them to go deeper, to go beyond chest-beating stories about hotel conquests and get into honest explorations of their souls and the reasons why they had left home to play? I was a little nervous even to askI wanted guys to drop the faade, the bluster, the ego, and tell me things they probably hadnt told anyone, admit to a serious relationship crime, and explain their actions and motives in detail. Adultery is not against the law, but admitting to it would be more dangerous than copping to many illegal activities. Its one thing to whisper to a guy that youre banging a chick behind your wifes back. Its quite another to tell a researcher whos recording your voice that youve slept around during your marriage. But I was compelled to know why they had risked so much and what their deeper whys were.