Joe Gumm - 150 Secrets to a Happy Wife

A burrito coming at my mouth at around fifty-five miles per hour doesnt taste nearly as good as just putting it into my mouth with my hands does.

I found this out years ago after I said something stupid to my wife and she launched a burrito at my head. I was able to ingest some of it because my mouth was wide open during the launch sequence, and no doubt about it, I had probably been spewing out more verbal stupidity while Operation Throw Burrito was taking shape. Of course my first thought was, Man, shes got an arm. My second thought was, If were having pineapple for dessert, I better shut up.

About an hour later, as I was trying to figure out how to get guacamole and sour cream out of my hair, I realized I totally deserved a burrito to the face. I had obviously made my wife unhappy, and for that, I paid the price. It wasnt a fun feeling seeing my wife instantly turn into a baseball pitcher, but I will say it was the softest and warmest thing ever thrown at me in our fourteen years of marriage.

Now after that incident, I learned a very valuable lesson: if my wife isnt happy, no one is happy . And I also learned that bean residue is really hard to get out of the deepest, darkest part of your ears.

So the question now is, how did I make my wife happy after that incident, and how do all married men continue to do it until death do us part? A cruise? Diamonds? A deep-tissue massage from an expensive spa? How about a deep-tissue massage, with actual diamonds, while on a cruise? Well, if you ask most women what makes them happy, they usually say, My kids. Others might say, My family. Its rare, but some women say, My husband. And then you have a very small majority that say, It would totally make me happy to see my husband pregnant. The list is actually endless for women and way more complicated than a mans list.

We all know what makes men happy: food , sex , and sports . Its not an ancient Chinese secret uncovered in a Dan Brown novel, and it doesnt take much effort to fulfill the needs on this list. In fact, give us a pizza, put us in a room with anything sports related, and then after were done with the pizza, give us two minutes in the bedroom, and the list is complete. Depending on the sporting event, the list could take anywhere from thirty minutes to eleven hours and five minutes to fulfill. I say eleven hours and five minutes because at the 2010 Wimbledon Championships, John Isner defeated Nicolas Mahut in the worlds longest tennis match, which lasted eleven hours, five minutes. Granted, there are other things that make us happy, but for the most part food , sex , and sports are it. If you really, really, really want to make us happy, let us do all three at the same time.

Now for women, the list of what makes them happy is a lot longer. It changes on a weekly basis. Scratch that! The list may change on an hourly basis, and thats okay. If constantly changing things is something that makes them happy, its on the list. The short-term goal here is to avoid food to the face at all costs (unless you can actually digest it successfully without injury). The long-term goal is to make Mommy happy 24/7/365. To be honest, the ultimate goal is to complete the mans list every day. But again, just in case you werent paying attention, the only way we get to enjoy those three things on our list is to make sure Mommys list is always fulfilled first.