Josh Rubin - How to Stay Out of the Doghouse
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- Book:How to Stay Out of the Doghouse
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- Publisher:HarperCollins
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- Year:2010
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Every man whos ever been in a relationship has found himself in the doghouse at one time or another. Its a cold, dark, and scary place. Its a place where one is banned to the cold shoulder, the evil eye, and the itchy couch. A place where there are no birds and bees. And once youre in there, its very hard to get out.
But herein lie the age-old secrets to avoiding the doghouseand avoiding the wrath of the lady in your life. If you pay close attention to the precepts to follow, you will find yourself armed with the knowledge youll need to stay out of the most ominous place in the world.
However, to quote The Matrix, we can only show you the door. its up to you to walk through it.
Good luck, men.
Women feel things far more deeply than the rest of us. They can be downright bottomless wells of sensitivity. You may feel pretty happy with yourself for properly diagnosing some feeling youve noticed she has. But dont get complacent: Whatever it was, you can bet there are five more coming right behind it.
Maybe she has a new haircut or a new nail color. Maybe she left for work this morning a blonde and came home a brunette. Whatever it is, if you dont notice it, youre in trouble. When you see her at the end of the day, play a silent round of the old childrens game Whats Wrong with This Picture? (Hint: Theres only one right answer: nothingI love it! Even if its a fire-engine-red mohawk.)
However long or complicated the conversation may be, just nodding your head occasionally and saying uh huh wont cut the mustard. Trust us, sooner or later youre going to need to remember what shes saying. Pay a little attention now, and thank us later.
As long as they look like Ernest Borgnine.
Dont expect her to be any more thrilled about your cute girl-friends than you would be about her new buddy the hot, muscular neurosurgeon. If you want to stay out of the doghouse, say good-bye to all lady friends who have less than three chins.
Do you want to come with me to the kids play? The school board meeting? To see the Hendersons baby? To the Smiths housewarming? These sound like requests but they are not.
Youre probably thinking everyone makes a mistake once in a while. That would be your first mistake. Justice might be blind, but she has a perfect memory. Even if you throw yourself on the mercy of the court and get a suspended sentence for your first offense, the second time the judge will throw the book at you.
One of the quickest paths to the doghouse is getting caught looking at other women. Even when you think youre in the clear, youre not. Women all have that sixth sense. When you feel temptation is near, keep your head down and stare at your feet. If thats too hard, think about investing in a pair of horse blinders.
No good ever comes from talking about ex-girlfriends. Bringing them up is like summoning a ghostonce theyre in the room, theyll haunt you forever. We recommend telling her you spent most of your life in a seminary before you met.
Its a sitcom.
We know, you may have seen some things online that looked prettystimulating. Unless youre a rock star, though, dont even try talking her into trying anything youve seen in dirty movies. Trust us: Your relationships more like Everybody Loves Raymond, without the joke writers, the laugh track, or the commercial breaks.
Deleted text messages are as bad as incriminating texts. If you wouldnt want her to read it, dont send it in the first placecause she will, every time. And mobile reception in the doghouse is terrible.
Fruit can be very good for you. Fruit metaphors? Not so much. Pear, apple, melon, cantaloupereach for the wrong image, and you might get that same piece of fruit thrown at your head.
Sorry, but if she asks for a cucumber and you come home with a zucchini, youre in trouble. Some kind of vegetable isnt enough to keep you above water.
Get used to it: When it comes to relationships, life isnt fair. If you want to win her, every so often you need to lose an argument. Check your ego at the doorand your superego and your id, while youre at it.
You may brandish the facts like a seasoned lawyerbut this is not a court of law. In an argument, logic will only make her more irate. Think less like a lawyer and more like a prisoner on a pirate ship: When all else fails, beg for mercy.
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