The Betches - Nice Is Just a Place in France: How to Win at Basically Everything

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Thank you to Xanax, for getting us through those anxiety-ridden meetings with publishers.

Thank you to Adderall, without which wed probably still be trying to figure out how to make a website.

Dear Reader,

Jambo! If youre anything like us, and well assume you are because youre reading our book, you probably have a very short attention span, so well keep this introduction brief. But first we must commend you on already making it farther into a book than Helen Keller ever could. Nice.

Apologies if that last comment was insensitive. Relax, its not like she can see it anyway. That, however, was a test, and if weve already offended your sensibilities, we advise you to walk away. The ride toward enlightenment on which youre about to embark is not going to get any smoother.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Joan Rivers

So what is this book? Its like a guide to everything, but really its just all the shit that no one will say out loud. A collection of truths, if you will. As you read on, youll find yourself agreeing that, in most cases, conventional wisdom can and should go fuck itself. For example, life is not a box of chocolates. Instead, you should give that box of chocolates to someone else to eat, learn from their expanding ass what happens to people who sample chocolates as a hobby, and remain a size 2. Or a personal favorite of ours: A watched pot never boils.... Really? Um, yeah, were fairly sure it does boil, at the exact same rate, regardless of whether youre watching. We know this because we once boiled water to clean our bong.

But the most important thing this book will teach you is in the title, Nice Is Just a Place in France . What does it mean, exactly? Simply put, niceness is boring and overrated. Girls who think that being nice is something to aspire to are most likely setting themselves up for a life of mediocrity, boredom, and cats.

Were not saying you should be a huge bitch and never give a shit about anyone. Having friends is definitely encouraged; we even devote a whole chapter to them. Were simply cautioning you against becoming what weve dubbed the nicegirl.

WHAT IS THE NICEGIRL?

The nicegirl plays by the rules without ever questioning them. Shes dull, lacks depth, lets people walk all over her, yet brings nothing to the table. If she disappeared, you wouldnt even notice. Shes the girl who rarely colors outside the lines of her life, and even then only in baby pink. Shes the kind of girl who uses a real bookmark. In other words, shes boring as fuck.

Whats so bad about being nice? Nothing. We have no problem with girls who are nice people, though we personally know only one or two. All were saying is that you should learn to be a girl who looks out for herself first and does not allow others to take advantage of her. Ideally, you should be doing the advantage-taking. Think about it, if you were ever describing someone you really respected or admired, would you ever describe this person as nice? No way. You would have a list of fifty other interesting things to say about that person before you would ever resort to that word. Nice is what youd call someone whos so melba you cant even take the time to think of why you dont like them. To call them dry toast would be generous, because even dry toast has flavor, whereas nicegirls do not.

The way we see it, nicegirls are a problem for the whole female gender. They perpetuate the stereotypes that women are inferior, that were not smart or funny, and that we should stay in the kitchen while men continue running things. Sometimes this works to our advantage. For instance, we definitely dont want to work. However, not on the basis that were too stupid to do so; its simply because we want rich husbands who would make that pointless.

So what does not being a nicegirl have to do with winning? The underlying principle of winning is understanding why and when you dont need to be nice, which is most of the time (unless youre talking to your dog). The reality of being a nicegirl is that youll be pushed over, looked down upon, and considered boring. Think Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada. Actually, think Anne Hathaway period. Women cant win by accommodating people; we need to be decisive and know what we want and achieve it in a smart way, while putting forth minimal effort for optimal results. And thats what this book is about.

HISTORICAL BLIND ITEM

A not-so-attractive betch once said: Well-behaved women Nicegirls seldom make history.

Were also not writing about the Charlie Sheen version of #winning, which is the alphamale idea of winning, also known as acting like a massive dickshit. Were talking about the female version of succeeding at life, which contrary to traditional feminist propaganda isnt necessarily synonymous with becoming your companys first female CEO. Were talking about getting what you want and coming out on top of any situation: relationships, career, friends, enemies, and all the acquaintances in between. And, of course, choosing the right Facebook profile picture.

So whos the girl whos always winning? She, my frenemies, is the betch.

You may not know the word, but you definitely know the girl. Shes the girl who has guys wrapped around her finger, whose outfit is always perfectly conceived, and who magically accomplishes whatever she wants, whether its getting an amazing job at twenty-two or engaged at twenty-five, and she does it effortlessly. She may seem unapproachable, but those who are lucky enough to know her are likely to claim that shes really great if youre friends with her, but she can be a huge bitch.

But unlike those girls who peak in high school, the betch is the one who always has (mostly) everything figured out, minus maybe a stomach pump or two. Everything she associates with is trendy, every guy wants to date her, and every girl wants to be her friend, but not because shes, like, kind or anything. Shes edgy, speaks her mind, and commands a room just by being in it.

If you find yourself smiling right now, its either because you think youre this girl or you want to be her. And who better to tell you how than the people who like invented her?

Its easy to confuse the word betch with bitch, but make no mistake, theyre vastly different. Its like how nicegirls read magazines, but you can be a not-nicegirl and read magazines. Bitches are not automatically betches. No girl wants to be called a bitch, even though she most definitely acts like one; that is, girls want to be strong, confident, not care what people say about them, and not take shit from anyone. But there has never been a word that embodies this girl. Guys are bros; they do bro-y things. Until we popularized the term betch, girls never had a nameand no, we dont think slampiece or cumdumpster qualify. Regardless of what she says, every girl wants to be a betch, because a betch gets what she wants.

Men are not the enemy, but the fellow victims. The real enemy is womens denigration of themselves.

Betty Friedan

Betchiness is a way to succeed in the world, with a vagina, in a real way. Who are we to know anything about this? Were just a few girls who realized that theres more to life than being really, really ridiculously good-looking. (But not that much.)