The Betches - I had a nice time and other lies ... : how to find love & sh*t like that

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To all the hot messes who struggle to find love.

A continuing special thanks to our friends and families who supplied us with their crazy stories, without which this book would never have been written.

O h hey weirdo who reads dating books. Just coming home from that guys apartment, the guy you swore you were going to have the talk with two years ago? Watching Orange Is the New Black for the third consecutive Saturday night? Consistently looking at engagement rings on Pinterest even though you havent had a steady boyfriend in a while? Youve come to the right place, Katherine Heigl. While most dating books are for newly divorced housewives with no marketable skills and girls who eat their feelings, this one is different. Were not going to give you step-by-step instructions on how to successfully date and marry the man of your dreams or even give you anecdotal evidence of that one girl who gained forty pounds and her boyfriend still loved her anyway. (The only way that wont matter is if hes also fat and/or works for her rich father and has an eye on the corner office.) Were here to tell you all those road maps to finding The One are bullshit, and the only way to master the art of not dying alone is realizing that dying alone is no big deal when youre going into the white light alongside the greatest person you know: You.

Most dating books will make you feel like a hopeless nicegirl, her lifeless body destined to be found among her twenty-seven cats while Taylor Swifts oldies but goodies play on repeat. This book will betch slap you to reality, help you get your shit together, and remind you that the old Tay was lame as fuck.

Forgot What a Nicegirl Is?

The nicegirl plays by the rules without ever questioning them. Shes dull, lacks depth, allows people to walk all over her yet brings nothing to the table herself. If she disappeared, you wouldnt even notice. Shes the girl who rarely colors outside the lines of her life, and even then only in baby pink. Shes the kind of girl who uses a real bookmark. In other words, shes boring as fuck.

The Betches

Contrary to popular belief, youre not born knowing how to date and you have a lot of shit to learn. Plus, were not here to sugarcoat dating advice. Adding sugar to anything is going to seriously limit your dating prospects. So break out the Splenda, throw your cats out the window, and get in, loser; were going to fix your fucked-up love life.

But first, one of lifes major questions (besides the most obvious: Is butter a carb?): Why even be in a relationship in the first place?

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

Chelsea Handler

The answer to this question seems to be obvious (duh, how else are you going to fulfill your dreams of having an envy-inducing wedding, popping out gorgeous kids with ironic first names, and packing cute little gluten- and dairy-free lunches?) but it turns out its more complicated than it initially appears. Why even have a boyfriend? Unless youre like extremely religiousin which case youre already offended by much of this bookyou dont need to date to have sex. You dont need to date to have kids (hello, in vitro). And you definitely dont have to date to be reminded how amazing and beautiful you are. Thats what your grandma is for.

Being in a relationship isnt always fun anyway. All of a sudden you have someone who wants to know where you are, what youre doing, and to whom youre sending Snapchats all the fucking time. Its like, why are you so obsessed with me? If youre with the right person, however, it can be super fun, and from a purely selfish standpoint at the very least youll learn a lot about yourself with each new relationship you fuck up. Youll get to discover interesting new things about yourself like that you can be really bitchy when youre hungry and that you could never handle dating a guy with just a green Amex. He might as well pay with food stamps.

But finding that person isnt easy... and if it is easy, then youre probably in that relationship for the wrong reasons. If youre lonely, get a friend. If you want attention, go on The Bachelor . If you want to have sex, walk outside.

The only reason you should be in a relationship is because your boyfriend/fianc/husband/lover adds something awesome to your life, not because he completes it. Youre a betch, you have the privilege of your own company. Youre a hot commodity and your time and, more important, your affection are valuable, so why would you let just anyone in? I mean, would Beyonc date Kevin Federline? Exactly.

Dating Exercise

Ask yourself: Is he the Jay Z to your Beyonc?

If no: Dump him

If yes: Keep him

If maybe: What kind of car does he drive?

Theres nothing worse than the girl who has never been single.

The Betches

Its better to be alone than to be with someone who sucks. While having a boyfriend has its perks, so does being single. For instance, you can go out whenever you want. You can make out with whomever you want. And if its been a long winter, you dont even have to shave your vag. Win, win, win.

Better alone than badly accompanied.

Candace Bushnell, Sex and the City

One is not better than the other. Its about where you are in your life and whats best for you in the moment. If you think that a relationship is the key to your happiness youre as delusional as Karen.

Who the Fuck Is Karen?

Karen is our extremely delusional friend. She doesnt live in reality. She constantly thinks guys are into her who are clearly not. Shes terrible at reading signals, and her mom is the only person who believes that Karen has a boyfriend. Really, Karens boyfriend is the guy she fucked three times who finally asked for her number. Dont be a Karen.

If youre a smart betch, youve already read our first book and learned how to win at basically everything. You learned the pitfalls of being too nice, what friends are socially acceptable to chill with, and to never ever admit that you dont know shit about wine. But what about dating? Yes, we covered that, too, but a lot has changed. Weve grown up and the rules are different. Suddenly, its sort of okay to online date, and the thought of being kind and caring to a guy is starting to not disgust you.

The simple truth is that dating in college and dating when youre in the state of mind to fuck around is a very different ball game than dating in the real world. There comes a point in every young betchs life when she gets bored of her thrice-weekly clubbing excursions and shambling to work hungover every Thursday. She realizes that she might have to entertain the idea of settling down into a long-term relationship, if only because everything else seems boring as fuck and shes already been to Ibiza three times. If you havent hit that point yet, you will eventually. Even Paris Hilton doesnt want to be known as that old bitch in the club forever. No one likes a washed-up party girl, so eventually youre going to need to learn how to master the art of a long-term, committed relationship.

Much of my high-jinks have been drug-related. When youre under 30, whatever, but once youre past 40 its just ugly.