Belisa Vranich - Boys Lie. How Not to Get Played

How Not to Get Played

Belisa Vranich, Psy.D.
and Holly Eagleson

Health Communications, Inc.
Deerfield Beach, Florida

www.hcibooks.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Lozano-Vranich, Belisa, 1966
Boys lie : how not to get played / Belisa Vranich and Holly Eagleson.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.

eISBN-13: 978-0-7573-9343-3 (ebook) eISBN-10: 0-7573-9343-8 (ebook)

1. Teenage girlsSexual behaviorJuvenile literature. 2. Teenagers Sexual behaviorJuvenile literature. 3. Sex instruction for girlsJuvenile literature. 4. Sex instruction for teenagersJuvenile literature. I. Eagleson,
Holly. II. Title.
HQ27.5.L69 2010
306.70835dc22
2010021445

2010 Belisa Vranich and Holly Eagleson

All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

HCI, its logos, and its marks are trademarks of Health Communications, Inc.

Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.
3201 S.W. 15th Street
Deerfield Beach, FL 334428190

Cover design by Justin Rotkowitz
Interior design and formatting by Lawna Patterson Oldfield

This book is dedicated to the
fathers, brothers, boyfriends, and
husbands who dont lie.

To the ones who keep women believing
that not all men are dogs.

CONTENTS

LIE #1: Sex is only penis and vagina.
Anything else doesnt count.

Defining sex, virginity, and what youre really doing
when you hook up

Myths about monogamy, infidelity, and whosurprise!
is naughtier by nature

LIE #3: Youre a slut if youve had sex with
a lot of guys.

Why boys get respect for sleeping around and girls
get a bad reputation

LIE #4: You can hook up with a friend without
having feelings involved.

LIE #5: If you cant have an orgasm with me, theres something
wrong with you.

Understanding female arousal and what happens
when girls get it on

And other tall tales that have the same bad ending:
You being knocked up

LIE #8: I cant wear a condom so you need
to use birth control.

Contraceptive responsibility and what to do when you
get the rubber runaround

Protecting yourself from STIs, players, and other stuff
that creeps you out

How to make peace with yourself from head to toe
and declare war on body hate

LIE #13: Dont worry, I wont show anyone
these pictures.

LIE #14: Have a drink or some weed; itll make
you feel better.

What you need to know about date and acquaintance
rape and other forms of sexual assault

Dating violence and the surprising forms of love
that are really abuse

This is a book for girls who like boys.

We should knowwere two of them! And we want to help you keep liking boys.

So before we go any further, lets make one thing clear. Dont let the title of this book confuse you: It is not a manifesto against guys. And its not a license to man-bash or blame a problem with one boy on an entire gender at large. If you came here looking to hate, move along.

What this book is, then, is a handbook for smart girls who are ready to deal with some of the messy truths about guys and relationships. If thats you, then listen up. Because were going to get real with youfast.

If you want to have a good relationship with guys, you need to question every word that comes out of their mouths.

Yes, it sounds harsh. But when it comes to getting what they want sexually, young men will say anythingliterally anything to make it happen. Seriously, a straight guy will profess to loving the Jonas Brothers if it helps him get in your pants.

Were not saying all guys are like this 100 percent of the time. Nor do they only want one thing from you, as dads across the country have preached for generations. In fact, a lot of great guys say plenty of nice things to make girls feel genuinely pretty, sexy, worthwhile, and loved. Who can blame you for believing them or just wanting to get into their pants, too? Everyone is curious about what its like to connect with the opposite sex, emotionally and physically. You wont see us making the mistake of assuming that you dont want sex just as much as guys do!

At the same time, theres usually a lot more at stake for girls when they do have sex. Young women are more likely to be the ones who end up brokenhearted, losing their self-respect, and even being physically or emotionally abused. Its not like guys are out to hurt girls. Its just that the inexperienced ones are often victims of their own urges. They want somethingunlimited booty whenever and from whomeverand theyre afraid the truth wont get it for them. Because if they admit that they might want to be with a girl just for sex, what kind of self-respecting gal would tolerate that? Eventually, boys get savvy and realize that the easiest way to get what they need is to distort the truth.

Being a smart girl, you can already spot a lot of the whoppers guys tell. You knowdumb, sexist stuff like Chicks are dumber than guys or Bros before hos! that they punctuate by high-fiving their buddies... which makes you want to high-five their faces. Its obvious that saying something so stupid, cruel, or outrageous can only be to get a rise out of you. Or because theyre a few IQ points shy of human-being status.

But often, the most damaging things that guys say to gain control, power, or an ego boost are way more subtle. Like lies about your bodies, how sex should feel, and what gals owe guys physically and emotionally. Theyre also a lot harder to spot because you hear them during your most intimate moments with a boy. They can come when one of you is feeling vulnerable (e.g., when he senses youre about to break up with him or are down on yourself) or even when youre feeling safe (e.g., when you have the upper hand in the relationship, or are cuddling up in his bed after a super fun party you both enjoyed). Its in these moments, when your guard is down and your heart is open, that youre most at risk.

So we thought it was time someone exposed why guys lie, the ways they do it, and how you can protect yourself. Through our interviews with hundreds of guys and some of the biggest relationship experts in psychology and sexuality, weve put together a list of 17 of the most common lies you and your friends will hear at some point in your lives.

Guys lies run the gamut from innocuous to dangerous, with just about everything thats inappropriate, disgusting, insulting, and generally slap-your-forehead wrong in between. Sadly, a lot of them may be familiar to you. Discovering that someone you care about told you one of these things just to get something from you or even to hurt you really sucks. But it blows even more to keep believing that lie when youre on the verge of doing some not-sosmart things with your body and heart just to get close to a guy.

This book will help you identify a lie when you hear it and figure out who to trust. But in a larger way, it helps you sharpen your instincts and safeguard yourself from people who dont have your best interests at heart. Have you ever heard the phrase