Robin Alexander - Pitifully Ugly

Pitifully Ugly

By Robin Alexander

Pitifully ugly

2010 by Robin AlexAndeR

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in printed

or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or

encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the authors

rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

ISBN 13: 978-1-935216-21-6

First Printing: 2010

This Trade Paperback Is Published By

Intaglio Publications

Walker, LA USA

www.intagliopub.com

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are

the product of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously, and any

resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies,

events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

CRedits

ExEcutivE Editor: tara Young

covEr dEsign bY: tigEr graphics

For the Rose with a golden heart.

Acknowledgments

My thanks and my love to my partner, Becky. Shes my

inspiration.

My editor, Tara Young, to whom I am very thankful because

she hasnt shot me yet over my poor use of the dreaded comma.

Many thanks to Kate Sweeney, my business partner who

makes a mean sangria and who doesnt complain when I force

her to listen to what Ive written.

Pitifully Ugly

Prologue

Dont you dare, Shannon. Those online dating sites are

a hotbed of people looking to cheat on their mates, or worse,

monsters masquerading as princess charmings. Just do it the old-

fashioned waycharm some cutie into a date and see where it

goes.

Kalen, my older sister, accentuated every point by stabbing

her fork in my direction. As usual, I sat silent and listened to her

well-intentioned advice until she stopped long enough to take the

last bite of her dinner.

Youre missing the point, I said. I have no game, no

charm.

You have to practice. Kalens eyes sparkled with excitement.

Practice on the waiter when he comes back.

No.

Why?

Hes a man.

I didnt say seduce him and take him home. Its simple. Just

smile and maybe compliment him. Oh! Say something about his

eyes. Kalen looked around for the unsuspecting guinea pig.

Show me how its done.

Kalen rolled her eyes. Shed demonstrated the Brycen

charming skills that I was sorely lacking countless times. Our

victim was approaching too quickly for her to argue. I watched as

she smiled up at him and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

He was putty in her hands, and she hadnt spoken a word. Flirting

was second nature to Kalen, and if she were single, shed never

lack for companionship.

1

Robin Alexander

Ive often thought it a cruel cosmic joke that I was passed

over for the charismatic gene that my parents and sister shared.

If Kalen and I didnt look so much alike, I would have gone in

search of my real father, an introverted milkman who my mother

had her way with.

See how easy that was? Kalen said triumphantly. Hes

giving us a slice of pie on the house. Were going to have to leave

before he asks for my number because I might just give it to

him.Better hope that my brother-in-law doesnt answer when he

calls.

Kalen raised an eyebrow. When he comes back, you give it

a whirl.

I opened my mouth to balk as Ive always done, but then I

wondered, why not? The food wasnt that great. We probably

wouldnt revisit this place. What did I have to lose? I watched as

the waiter weaved between tables, coming closer with each step.

My hands tightened into fists as I tucked them under my legs.

That was the closest I was going to get to being poised.

All was going well until I heard my brain screaming out to the

rest of my body. Oh, my God! Shes going to speak. Who told her

this was a good idea? My stomach began to growl its protest, and

it kind of sounded like Scotty from Star Trek. Shes breaking up,

Captain. I cant hold her much longer. My brain began barking

out orders, but my body was too stunned to comply. Legs, what

are you waiting for? Get moving! Can we have a coughing fit, a

sneeze, anything? All fell silent as a slice of pie and two cups of

coffee were set on the table.

I glanced over at Kalen, who wore the expectant but fearful

smile of a mother watching her baby take the first ride without

training wheels. The waiter was smiling down at me, and it was

show time.

IyouwellI like your shirt. The last part of my pathetic

attempt came out sounding like a balloon being deflated. He

blinked for a moment, then looked down at the black polo with

the restaurants name emblazoned on the breast pocket. With no

more than an awkward smile and a nod, he left me to my misery.

2

Pitifully Ugly

I couldnt look at Kalen. She cleared her throat and went

on talking as though nothing gruesomely embarrassing had

happened.

You knowtheres a new customer thats been coming to

the Rampart store. I think she may be single.

Pitifully Ugly

Chapter 1

If at first you dont succeed, dont try the same damn thing

over again.

Loyal, warm-hearted, and fun. Loves quiet evenings at home,

enjoys cooking when its for someone besides myself. My favorite

kind of day is a rainy cold Sunday when Im curled up in bed with

someone watching movies and eating junk food

Oh, my God, Im a lap dog with culinary skills. I buried

my face in my hands and screamed in frustration. Id spent my

entire Saturday morning trying to come up with something eye-

catching, and all I could manage was an ad for a dog looking for a

good home. I fought the urge to cry when I realized I didnt even

want to date me.

Had I always been this boring? Id managed to attract a woman

at one timewell, at least three times. This time was different,

though. I was operating without a net.

Like a monkey, Id catch the next vine when it became obvious

that the relationship was coming to an end. Neither Marla nor I

wanted to be the first to admit that our relationship was on its

death bed. Though we werent unfaithful to each other, we both

put feelers out. Susan, a friend of a friend, made it clear she

would be interested if I were single, and I grabbed that vine with

both hands. After six years together, we did the exact same thing,

and I swung into Cindys life. We were together two years, and

she caught a vine of her own without warning. At thirty-seven, I

was single, and there wasnt a vine in sight.

Robin Alexander

I took one more disgusted look at my computer screen and

pushed away from my desk intent on soothing my frustration

with a handful of Oreos and a glass of milk. I thought better of

that plan when a draft of cold air moved up the crack of my ass.

My habit of cookie consolation had resulted in the ruining of my

favorite jeans that were now split from the crotch halfway up my

backside. I wondered if an apple would comfort me as much as a

cookie. My taste buds said no.

Feeling sorry for myself, I stood at my window and stared

down at the sidewalk. I could get one of those. I watched a

cab pull to the curb and deposit a woman and her dog onto the

sidewalk. The yellow ball of fluff sat patiently at its mistresss