Sofia Santiago - UNSHAKEN Scientifically Proven Ways to Control Your Emotions Before, During, and After Difficult Conversations

UNSHAKEN

SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN WAYS to
CONTROL Your Emotions
Before, During, and After
Difficult Conversations

Make Anger, Resentment and Frustration Work for You.

Kill the Anxiety and Get What You Want.

Sofia Santiago

Disclaimer

Im not a health care professional. If you experience disabling problems involving your emotions (e.g., chronic jealousy, anger problems, panic attacks), and/or persistent swings in mood (e.g., bipolar disorder), you need to seek the advice of a medical doctor immediately. Please do.

Contents

appendix A:

Introduction

That morning I woke up with a lot of cramping, so I knew it would happen again.

We were staying at the barracks in Fort Hood, Texas, while our new house in a nearby military neighborhood was ready. It was 8 AM when the pain started, and by 8:01 my heart was broken. I recognized this as the same pain I had had on the two previous occasions my pregnancies hadnt come to a good term. This was the third year in a row, and it had to happen exactly on the same day we had access to our house for the first time. Holding back the tears I told Mike, my husband, about my pain.

Youve got to be kiddin me! he yelled, furiously, as if I had chosen the timing. Today we should be painting the house not going to the hospital! he added, slamming the door of our bedroom on his way out.

I stayed in bed quiet, trying to make myself as small as I could. On those days I wanted to be invisible; living in constant fear makes you feel that wayyou just want to disappear. Except my five-year-old daughter needed me: I was her only family since her father had passed away when she was just a baby.

A few minutes later Mike came back still mad, and all he said was Fine.

I got up and started getting dressed as fast as I could. I could barely make it to his truck without fainting. My little daughter kept holding my hand and asking me, Mom, are you okay?

Yes sweetie, Im okay, Id reply.

On the way to the hospital Mike said, Were gonna stop at Lowes to buy some paint.

I pondered whether to reply or not. I decided to speak up. Why dont you do that after you drop me at the hospital? I asked, trying to keep a neutral voice to avoid igniting his anger.

Nah. It will only take a few minutes, he said, as he always did. It was never true.

While walking at Lowes, I suddenly started bleeding copiously. My jeans turned red all the way to my shoes. I was walking far behind him, desperate to catch up with him, but the pain didnt let me walk any faster. Wait for us, I implored. He didnt turn. I had asked if I could wait in the car with my daughter, and he had said, Of course not! I want you to choose a color too!

Like I cared about anything other than not dying.

Dramatic perhaps, but fear tends to be dramatic.

You have great taste, I had said. Im sure I will love any color you pick. My sucking up hadnt worked.

I got so dizzy I couldnt walk anymore, so I lay down on the floor. Right there, in the middle of the store. With my little one standing next to me, holding my hand.

As I write this, and the memory of her sad and confused face looks at me, my eyes start feeling watery and swallowing becomes hard. All this happened about 15 years ago, but I remember exactly what she was wearing: purple pants, a white shirt with little pink unicorns, and her favorite pink hair band. She was carrying her gray stuffed dolphin under one arm and holding me with her other hand.

I was embarrassed that people would see my red jeans. Then, one of the cashiers approached us and asked if she could help. I told her what was happening, and she immediately paged my husband, stating it was an emergencybut he didnt come until he finished buying all the painting supplies. She had already paged him a second time, and gotten me a cup of water and a wheelchair, when he finally came. He saw us, and turned around to walk away. Hey, I said, Why are you leaving me?

Im going to buy something to protect the seat of my car so you wont stain it, he said, condescendingly. And he left for what seemed a very, very long time.

The cashier took me in the wheelchair to his truck, where we waited for him to pay for the paint and everything else he had bought.

He let my daughter into the back of his truck on his side and the cashier helped me climb on my side. As I climbed up, I turned to look at my daughter, and saw she was quietly crying. What is it, baby? I asked.

Daddy slammed the door on my foot, she said. She called her stepdad Daddy.

And thats when all hell broke loose. I hadnt yelled at Mike. I had taken all his cruelty and negligence submissively. Until that moment.

I bet you understand how hearing that Mike had made me wait for him to buy paint but hadnt waited for my little daughter to fully climb into the truck turned me into an enraged animal. I didnt care about the consequences and I felt nothing but anger. Even the physical pain went away. At that point, I might have hit him, because all my emotional control was gone and all that remained was the outburst of rage that overpowered me.

A part of me really, really wanted to hurt him like he had hurt my daughter. Or worse.

Still, I didnt punch him. All I did was yell at him. I guess I hadnt lost all rationality. As if, in the background, my rational mind was still protecting me from the repercussions of punching him, of which swollen knuckles would have been the least painful.

* * *

Sometimes it almost seems impossible to control our emotions. And perhaps sometimes we shouldnt even try, because theres a good reason they exist. Take anger, for instance. Anger exists to give us the fuel to defend ourselves, our loved ones, our values, and everything else that matters to us, as in my story above.

Anger tells us something needs to change.

Had I not accumulated enough anger over time to rebuild the minimum self-esteem and courage I needed to leave that abusive man, my life would have remained a living hell. And, perhaps more important to me at a time when my self-love had been crushed, my daughter wouldnt be the emotionally healthy young woman she now is.

Anger is the hero in that chapter of my life.

Emotions are good and expressing them is also good, but only to a certain point. While consistently suppressing your emotions is unhealthy (for instance, people who tend to suppress negative emotion have health problems ), letting your emotions roam free and out of control all the time is not healthy either. You might hurt someone and later regret it.

In this book, well discuss alternatives that will serve you better.

Well start with a Quick Quiz , just for fun. As you check your answers, youll become aware of any myths or inaccurate stereotypes that may have been holding back your emotional-regulation skills. Youll also learn a few tricks to help you understand and manage your emotions better.

Then, Ill show you a scientific model of how emotions work. It will help you better understand why the strategies youll learn afterwards are so effective.

Our next step will be to review and illustrate several practical strategies youll be able to use to regulate your emotions and control your worries before, during, and after a crucial conversation.

Finally, well wrap up with a preparation checklist you can keep as a template when emotionally preparing for a confrontation.

Lets get started. Get a pen and your favorite drink.