Allison McDonald Ace - 26 Jan

Copyright Allison McDonald Ace, Ariel Ng Bourbonnais, and Caroline Starr, 2019

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise (except for brief passages for purpose of review) without the prior permission of Dundurn Press. Permission to photocopy should be requested from Access Copyright.

Cover image: Creative Market | Olga Alekseenko
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Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Through, not around : stories of infertility and pregnancy loss / edited
by Allison McDonald Ace, Caroline Starr, Ariel Ng Bourbonnais.

Issued in print and electronic formats.
ISBN 978-1-4597-4296-3 (softcover).--ISBN 978-1-4597-4297-0 (PDF).-
ISBN 978-1-4597-4298-7 (EPUB)

1. Miscarriage--Psychological aspects. 2. InfertilityPsychological aspects. 3. Pregnancy--Psychological aspects. 4. Grief. I. McDonald Ace, Allison, editor II. Starr, Caroline, editor III. Ng Bourbonnais, Ariel, editor

1 2 3 4 5 23 22 21 20 19

We acknowledge the support of the Canada Council for the Arts, which last year invested $153 million to bring the arts to Canadians throughout the country, and the Ontario Arts Council for our publishing program. We also acknowledge the financial support of the Government of Ontario, through the Ontario Book Publishing Tax Credit and Ontario Creates, and the Government of Canada.

Nous remercions le Conseil des arts du Canada de son soutien. Lan dernier, le Conseil a investi 153 millions de dollars pour mettre de lart dans la vie des Canadiennes et des Canadiens de tout le pays.

Care has been taken to trace the ownership of copyright material used in this book. The author and the publisher welcome any information enabling them to rectify any references or credits in subsequent editions.

J. Kirk Howard, President

The publisher is not responsible for websites or their content unless they are owned by the publisher.

Printed and bound in Canada.

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To the ones who came before us and the ones who will come after

AS WITH MOST THINGS, this book came to be through a series of events that none of us had planned and, if we had the chance, we all would change. No one has the luxury of choice when it comes to joining the Pregnancy Loss and Infertility Club. While everything doesnt always happen for a reason tragedy is sometimes just that, tragedy it is abundantly clear from the thread woven through each story told by our brave authors in this collection that out of tragedy can come the greatest of gifts: gratitude, compassion, empathy, hope, patience, humour, and, most importantly, the resilience to go on living and loving when everything inside of you wants to give up.

This kind of resilience and strength doesnt show up in the loud, bombastic way weve come to expect from movies. This kind of resilience lives in the quietest and innermost places of those who embody it the most, and its only when they allow us a window into that inner world that we are able to see just what they are made of. And as you will see from the view weve provided here, those of us whove unwillingly joined this club are made of strong stuff.

As co-editors and co-authors of this book, we all felt an immense responsibility to give voice to as many facets of the experience of pregnancy loss and infertility as possible so that our readers may find within these pages the knowledge that they or you are not alone. Because, truly, you are not. You might also find comfort in knowing that it could be worse. No one ever wants to admit to these thoughts, but if in reading this book you find that you can go on because your battle is less arduous than someone elses, we are here to give you permission to feel that way. These stories are being told to help you go on moving forward, in whatever way you can.

We launched The 16 Percent, an online community that shares stories of loss and infertility that eventually gave birth (pun intended) to this book. We wanted to create that space because we knew, viscerally, from our own experiences, that telling our stories is the way through the grief and a way to cope. Most importantly, to declare out loud that you are sad, enraged, terrified, and confused is to declare that it is okay to feel this way and that it is not your job to carry this burden quietly so those around you may be comfortable. Your story matters. Your experience is unique. Your voice should be heard if you want to share your story to help others heal. The more we tell these stories and give voice to what its like to lose a child or be unable to carry one into this world, the more we allow this part of life and the act of sharing to be a little less scary for those who come after us on this path.

Speaking of which, this path is not one that comes with a map. When we each found ourselves suddenly and unexpectedly staring down this unfamiliar road, we had to figure out how to navigate that bumpy terrain as best as possible without a guide. But it is our hope that within the hard-won knowledge of these stories, we are now able to offer a map to guide you. You will find that there is no way to the other end of the path but to follow it to the end. You can try to pick a different route or take a short cut around the path, but ultimately you will find yourself back on it. And the reason for this is that the path is there for you: not to hurt you, but to lead you out out of grief, out of being stuck, and, eventually, to where your life is waiting. It may not be the life you planned, but it is yours and it wants you to live it. So, if ever youre feeling lost, please hold fast to the directions we give you here. They are simple to remember, although not always easy to follow:

The way forward is through, not around.

In the following essays, some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

Wendy Litner

IM ON MY WAY TO an infertility support group and I hate what Im wearing: jeans and a button-down shirt. I should have worn that vintage pink dress that makes me feel like Baby the night of the big show. This isnt the kind of infertile I wanted to look like. I have been feeling this way a lot lately. I cut my hair, shorter than I usually do, and I like it, but still it isnt enough. I wish I could unzip my skin, opening a seam from the top of my head to the backs of my heels, and step right out of myself. Everything about me just feels wrong from the outside in. Or maybe its the inside out? I dont know anymore.