Jason Hazeley - The Ladybird Book of the Big Night Out

Martin Aitchison

Robert Ayton

John Berry

Evelyn Bowmar

Roger Hall

Frank Hampson

Frank Humphris

John Theodore Earley Kenney

Robert Lumley

Jorge Nunez

Harry Wingfield

Eric Winter

THE AUTHORS would like to record their gratitude and offer their apologies to the many Ladybird artists whose luminous work formed the glorious wallpaper of countless childhoods. Revisiting it for this book as grown-ups has been a privilege.

THE LADYBIRD BOOKS FOR GROWNUPS SERIES

THE BIG NIGHT OUT

by

J.A. Hazeley, N.S.F.W. and J.P. Morris, O.M.G.

(Authors of Drink Yourself Interesting)

Publishers: Ladybird Books Ltd., Loughborough
Printed in England. If wet, Italy.

Every so often, it is nice to have a big night out.

It is important to let your hair down.

And for a friend to hold it out of the way later while you are sick.

Going out to the pub is more expensive than drinking at home.

It is also hard to get a table and too noisy to hear yourself speak and the toilets are worse and it takes a long time to get served and it closes before you have quite finished enjoying yourself and it is hard to get home from and sometimes there is a fight.

The pub is the heart of the community.

Mandy has been looking forward to her big night out all week.

She dances and drinks and laughs and sings. She feels like herself for the first time in days.

Tomorrow, every single thing she remembers doing will embarrass her to the point of physical agony.

Mandy hates the real Mandy.

A big night out is a time to forget your worries. Enjoy being somewhere different. Do not think about problems at home or work.

No. Im pretty sure I turned the iron off, thinks Julie.

In Britain, nobody minds if you drink too much. And nobody minds if you do not drink at all.

People only mind if you drink in moderation.

What are you planning? What is your game? What are you after? Who invited you?

Jane and her friends are having a girls night out.

They have ordered a cocktail, most of which is ice, and whose ingredients are worth no more than a pound.

The cocktail costs 22 because it has a rude name and they can make the posh man say it.

Horace knows he must drink enough to make his work colleagues bearable, but not enough to make them sack him.

Neil tried to impress his friends at the curry house by asking for an extrahot phall.

Any news? asks Neils friend.

The doctor says he is still dangerously red, says the receptionist. But you can visit him as long as you dont touch his skin.

Doctors currently recommend a limit of no more than fourteen drinks a week.

This limit is the same for both men and women.

To help men feel better about this, their drinks are served in slightly bigger glasses.

Leela is starting to regret inviting her mother to the hen do.

Zardoz and Rowena are having a big date night.

It is important for couples to do this once in a while.

Splashing out on a pair of theatre tickets, a meal at a nice restaurant, a taxi there and back and a babysitter is a good way to relax after all their recent money worries.

Beer then wine and youll feel fine, says the rhyme.

Wine then beer will also make you feel fine.

Gin then beer then wine then prosecco then a round of flaming sambucas and a banana daiquiri and a can of beetroot cider on the bus will also make you feel fine.

Of course you feel fine. You are drunk.

Everyone at this office drink has said everything they have to say to each other by half past eight.

Luckily they have drunk enough to start saying roughly the same things again, without really noticing.

When the bell rings for last orders, they will get a bit cross and try to say the same things one last time, very quickly.

Perry has never liked a big night out. Im only staying for one, he always says.

Nobody expects him to buy a round. That would not be fair.

Perrys friends recently worked out that he has not paid for a drink since 1993. Tonight they will be presenting him with a bill for slightly under 25,000.

Tyler is not having a good time at the nightclub.

All the single women want to talk about their exboyfriends and the DJ will not stop playing The Village People.

Tyler wishes he had stayed at the Wetherspoons.

And it was Risotto Wednesday, he says to himself sadly.

Dale wishes everyone from his team hadnt started drinking at lunchtime.