Jason Hazeley - The Ladybird Book of the Mid-Life Crisis

THE LADYBIRD BOOKS FOR GROWN-UPS SERIES

THE MID-LIFE CRISIS

by

J. A. Hazeley, N.S.F.W. and J. P. Morris, O.M.G.

(Authors of 1,000 Films to Fall Asleep in Before You Die)

Publishers: Ladybird Books Ltd, Loughborough
Printed in England. If wet, Italy.

UK | USA | Canada | Ireland | Australia
India | New Zealand | South Africa

Michael Joseph is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com

First published 2015

Copyright Jason Hazeley and Joel Morris, 2015
All images copyright Ladybird Books Ltd, 2015

The moral right of the authors has been asserted

ISBN: 978-1-405-92572-3

The authors would like to thank the illustrators whose work they have so mercilessly ribbed, and whose glorious craftsmanship was the set-dressing of their childhoods. The inspiration they sparked has never faded.

This delightful book is the latest in the series of Ladybird books that have been specially planned to help grown-ups with the world about them.

As in the other books in this series, the large, clear script, the careful choice of words, the frequent repetition and the thoughtful matching of text with pictures all enable grown-ups to think they have taught themselves to cope. The subject of the book will greatly appeal to grown-ups.

When we are young, we all dream of doing something wonderful and exciting with our lives.

What will we be? A cosmonaut? An underwater detective? A tommy gunner? A groin surgeon?

Anything is possible.

And then, one day, it isnt.

Jasons mid-life crisis started one Sunday morning in B&Q when he spotted a tub of boat varnish.

I will never own a boat, he thought to himself.

Jason has never wanted to own a boat. But now, not owning one is all he can think about.

Gwen has a 2:1 in Ancient History. She always planned to write a series of novels about Boadicea.

Gwen is covered in apple sauce and has spent the afternoon clapping.

Jeff did not think of himself as having a mid-life crisis until he realised that the people starting university this year were born when he was twenty-five.

Jeff has come to the Arctic Circle to hunt and kill a whale.

Mid-lifers like to count how fast time is passing because it helps them to panic.

Its incredible, says Vivian. The gap between now and the first Beastie Boys album is roughly the same as the gap between that album and Elviss first LP.

Help me, please, sobs Vivian. Somebody make it stop.

Joes body used to agree with him.

It used to agree that his shirt fitted, that he could manage another pint, that he would be awake when the train reached his station, and that he had finished weeing.

Now Joes body disagrees with him on all these things.

Philip has a recurring dream where he is an overstuffed dummy on a blazing bonfire. Children point at him and laugh.

Look at him, they say. He is fat and hopeless.

Burn him! Thats all hes good for! At least he can keep us warm!

Philip does not burn. He cannot even do that properly.

After his divorce, Nick sold his sensible car and bought a coup.

In ten years time, Nick will look back at pictures of himself and The Lady and realise that he looked an astonishing knob.

In a war, people do not have mid-life crises. They are much too grateful to be alive.

At this airfield, mid-lifers can have a wartime fantasy day. They can fly a Spitfire, and even do a loop-the-loop.

For an extra fee, they can be shot down by authentic Luftwaffe aircraft, and killed.

Many people find this helps.

Phil does not regret leaving his wife, growing his hair and starting to wear cowboy boots.

If he had not done that, he would never have met Megan.

As long as Phil avoids making cultural references from before 1990, never reveals he has a blueyonder e-mail address and tries not to have a heart attack, he and Megan have a great future.

Growing up brings responsibility. For example, having a family to support can be very expensive.

Fortunately, by mid-life, most people find they are earning a little more money than they did when they were younger.

Which can also be spent on bigger versions of all the toys they wanted when they were six.