Hazeley Jason. Morris Joel - Cunk on Everything

www.tworoadsbooks.com

First published in Great Britain in 2018 by Two Roads

An Imprint of John Murray Press

An Hachette UK company

Copyright House of Tomorrow Ltd.,

Charlie Brooker, Jason Hazeley and Joel

Morris 2018

Audiobook performed by Diane Morgan

Additional material by Charlie Brooker and Ben Caudell

The right of House of Tomorrow Ltd to be identified as the Author of

the Work has been asserted by them in accordance with

the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a

retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior

written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of

binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar

condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library

eBook ISBN 9781473690394

Hodder & Stoughton Ltd

Carmelite House

50 Victoria Embankment

London EC4Y 0DZ

www.tworoadsbooks.com

CONTENTS

FOREWORD

By Professor Rupert Delgado, MBE

Im rather afraid to say that I do not know the author to whom you refer, since I seldom look at the television, but these samples you have sent me are an absolute disgrace. I shall not be contributing a foreword to this book and I am happy for you to quote me on that.

Never contact me again.

PREFACE

By Philomena Cunk

When I was asked to write this book, I remember thinking.

It was a good feeling. And writing this book, that feeling has happened again and again. Thinking is one of the three best things you can do with your brain. I hope that this book will provide food for thought, which is the scientific word for mind sausages, and maybe go some way to answer all the questions in the universe.

Its hard to know everything, because the world is getting more complicated every day. Maybe in olden times, a caveman would have been able to know everything just by knowing the difference between rocks and food. But someone with that level of knowledge today would be practically unemployable, even in shoe retail.

So how can we know more about the world? One way is through books. Books are like the internet but all in one order and they still work in a tunnel. What youre holding now is a book (unless youve put it down on a table and are holding a cup of tea, in which case what youre holding now is a cup of tea). By reading books, the ideas someone else put in the book travel up your eyes and join your own ideas in your head. It feels weird at first, but Im told you get used to it.

A lot of books are written by quite boring people youve never heard of, and so never get opened. The best books are written by someone off the television, as the bestseller charts clearly prove. People off the television just write better books, and thats why Im doing this one. Because otherwise some so-called author might do it instead, and nobody would buy the books and theyd end up in landfill. Its sobering to realise that writing a book and not being off the television can do so much damage to our precious planet.

Think of this book as a helpful guide to the universe, written by someone you trust. Sometimes its nice to have someone take you by the hand. Sometimes its not (e.g: if they havent used the dryer in the bogs for quite long enough, or have been recently gutting a mackerel). But sometimes its nice to know that someone is going to help you navigate lifes more difficult and confusing bits.

You might ask, why me? Well, Ive spent the last few years investigating right up the most pressing issues of today and the past in my television series and specials, and I like to think Ive been successful at it because that feels nice.

I hope you enjoy learning about everything. I know I have.

Philomena Cunk

Chessington World of Adventures, UK, May 2018

A

Adam and Eve

The first human to evolve from God was Adam, who was the first man. In those early days, there were no women at all, only men, like on the repeats of Have I Got News? on Dave.

This was a problem because the only way to make more Adams was for Adam to have sex with the only other person around: God. Id imagine God didnt want to mate with Adam because hed made him in his image, so thats just having sex with yourself, which is weird. Plus you can have sex with yourself anyway, using a wank, and then you get to nod off afterwards without any awkward conversation, so God wasnt into that at all. Why should he be? Hes God. He can probably have sex with himself a million mysterious ways without needing anyones help at all. When it comes to having sex with humans, thats more the Holy Ghosts sort of thing for some reason. Hes intangible and smooth, like a newly washed duvet cover, so its probably a bit of rough sort of thing. I dont really want to think about it.

Anyway, in order that there could be sex, God made Eve, a woman, who evolved from Adam. Eve came second, like women usually do, but was more evolved. Unlike Adam, whose leaf was just for show, Eve could have babies out her leaf, and so the whole population of Earth was invented.

Eve got in trouble straight away for eating an apple that belonged to God. If he was that fussed about it, he should have put a post-it note on it, like you do in an office fridge. Idiot.

Alexander the Great

Alexander the Great was born in 356 in Ancient Greece and died at the age of 32BC, having become one of the greatest soldiers of all times. He was very much the Andy McNab of his day, only he wasnt just silhouettes. He was also statues.

Alexander rose from nothing, as the son of a simple Greek king, to become the ruler of all of Greece. Then, because that wasnt enough, he invaded literally everywhere that anyone had heard of. At the time, people hadnt heard of many places we take for granted now (America, Chessington World of Adventures, Loompaland) but all the places that had been heard of (basically Greece and the bits next to Greece) fell to Alexanders mighty armies.

Alexander conquered Syria, Persia, Babylonia, India, Turkia, Egyptia, all the places. His soldiers were knackered. They kept falling off their horses, which is why he built a big wooden one called the Trojan Horse that they could ride inside, like a bus, and catch a nap or stare out the window and see whats on top of bus stops. Using this horse he won the Battle of Troy, and beat the Minotaur, which was a bull with the mind of a wasp and the teeth of a duck. To be frank, the Greek myths get a bit confusing here, but hes in most of them. He was so great at fighting that he stopped being a Greek myth and turned into a real boy, like Pinocchio. And thats why we remember him today, if we do.

He was called the Great because nobody had invented surnames and they needed a way of telling him apart from the other Alexanders, like Alexander the Drunk and and Alexander the Dog. It looks a bit like he chose his own nickname, though, which is against the rules. He should have let his mates pick one. Though he might just have ended up being called Womble or Piehead or Dr Spunkwagon or something, and its harder to conquer the world if you know youre going to have to carve that on all your plinths.