Jason Hazeley - The Ladybird Book of Dating

THE LADYBIRD BOOKS FOR GROWN-UPS SERIES

DATING

by

J. A. Hazeley, N.S.F.W. and J. P. Morris, O.M.G.

(Authors of Lose Weight with Extreme Shaving)

Publishers: Ladybird Books Ltd, Loughborough
Printed in England. If wet, Italy.

UK | USA | Canada | Ireland | Australia
India | New Zealand | South Africa

Michael Joseph is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com

First published 2015

Copyright Jason Hazeley and Joel Morris, 2015
All images copyright Ladybird Books Ltd, 2015

The moral right of the authors has been asserted

ISBN: 978-1-405-92574-7

The authors would like to thank the illustrators whose work they have so mercilessly ribbed, and whose glorious craftsmanship was the set-dressing of their childhoods. The inspiration they sparked has never faded.

This delightful book is the latest in the series of Ladybird books that have been specially planned to help grown-ups with the world about them.

As in the other books in this series, the large, clear script, the careful choice of words, the frequent repetition and the thoughtful matching of text with pictures all enable grown-ups to think they have taught themselves to cope. The subject of the book will greatly appeal to grown-ups.

Dating is a fun way of meeting someone who is as terrified of dying alone as you are.

Finding this person takes time. Cupids arrow can strike when you least expect.

Angela has been struck by Cupids arrow, and is going to live happily ever after.

Lonely people know the one is out there somewhere. They will search the whole world for them.

It is surprising how often that soul-mate turns out to not be on the other side of the world, but fairly nearby, and reasonably drunk.

The perfect match.

Mens brains and womens brains are different, even as children.

Boys like to knock a Hula Hoop off an After Eight with a cocktail stick. Girls prefer balancing a first-class stamp on top of a Mr Mans bowler hat.

To get along, men and women pretend not to mind those little differences.

Or they become homosexuals.

Finding time for love is hard because modern people have busy lives.

Pat runs an artisanal macaroon business. She has been very busy.

One day she notices she has forgotten to get married and still sleeps on a mattress on the floor.

Time is running out for Pat.

Dating is all about meeting new people.

Alex spends the whole day at work. Once an hour, he meets the same person, his supervisor, Tim.

Tim asks Alex how many funnels there are now. Alex tells him. Alex gets home late and falls asleep in front of a programme about vans.

Alex does not meet new people.

Deborah has had many, many unsuccessful dates in the last eight years and still cannot find Mr Right.

Her friends tell her she should lower her expectations. Deborah is trying her very best.

She still would prefer her dream man to have wings or a crown, but he no longer needs to be literally made of gold.

Getting ready is part of the date. Michelles friend Allanah has been doing Michelles hair since Wednesday.

Michelles date, Chris, is still at home. He has prepared by doing up most of the buttons on his shirt, and tidying his fringe with spit.

He is finishing a mission on Call of Duty and will be twenty minutes late.

Vanessa is meeting Callum for their first date.

To help spot each other, Callum and Vanessa have both agreed to wear red. Callum said he would wear his uniform from work.

Vanessa was very excited. She thought that Callum might be a guardsman.

Lynn has come to a record discothque. She is hoping to meet a new person to spend the rest of her life with again.

The loud music makes the new people impossible to talk to. Luckily, alcohol means what they are saying is unlikely to be important or interesting.

Four hundredth time lucky, thinks Lynn.

Bernard and Gail are on-line friends who have finally met. They know they have a lot in common and are going for a walk.

All Bernard can think about is checking his telephone. All Gail can think about is how she is going to describe this date in 140 characters later when she goes to the toilet.

Bernard and Gail suspect that in real life they are simply awful people.

Andrew has said fewer than eleven words during his date with Lionel. Lionel eats quickly.

I should be going, says Lionel.