Jason Hazeley - The Ladybird Book of the Hangover

THE LADYBIRD BOOKS FOR GROWN-UPS SERIES

THE HANGOVER

by

J. A. Hazeley, N.S.F.W. and J. P. Morris, O.M.G.

(Authors of Bedroom Secrets of the Boardroom Batman)

Publishers: Ladybird Books Ltd, Loughborough
Printed in England. If wet, Italy.

UK | USA | Canada | Ireland | Australia
India | New Zealand | South Africa

Michael Joseph is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com

First published 2015

Copyright Jason Hazeley and Joel Morris, 2015
All images copyright Ladybird Books Ltd, 2015

The moral right of the authors has been asserted

ISBN: 978-1-405-92570-9

The authors would like to thank the illustrators whose work they have so mercilessly ribbed, and whose glorious craftsmanship was the set-dressing of their childhoods. The inspiration they sparked has never faded.

This delightful book is the latest in the series of Ladybird books that have been specially planned to help grown-ups with the world about them.

As in the other books in this series, the large, clear script, the careful choice of words, the frequent repetition and the thoughtful matching of text with pictures all enable grown-ups to think they have taught themselves to cope. The subject of the book will greatly appeal to grown-ups.

Sometimes, when we drink too much, we get a hangover.

There is no cure for the hangover, but it can be treated with a cup of strong coffee and a couple of fried breakfasts.

A good hangover should be a total mystery to you.

How did this happen? Why do you feel so ill?

Pretend to yourself that you drank less than you did. Insist you stuck to beer, forgetting the champagne at the start of the evening and the round of jalapeo tequilas you did for a bet in that club next to the dual carriageway at 2 a.m.

Some hangover symptoms are caused by impurities which enter the body along with the alcohol.

These impurities can include methanol, acetone, acetaldehyde, esters, tannins, grab bags of Wotsits, railway-grade pasties and KFC Zinger Tower Burgers.

What a confusing world it can seem with a hangover.

Sit as still as you can. Do not attempt to make any decisions.

Look out of the window. Can you recognise simple shapes or colours? Is there a moon or a sun in the sky? What sort of a name might you have? Where might there be bacon?

Consuming alcohol lowers the bodys reserves of vital elements such as iron, potassium, water and bacon.

Every unit of alcohol kills the equivalent of two inches of bacon, which must be replaced the next morning.

Prepare a hangover first-aid kit of a banana and a pint of water to put by your bedside before going out for an evenings drinking.

When you wake, fully dressed, the next morning, you can look at the untouched glass and the uneaten banana and wonder who left them there, and why.

Peggy is trying the hair of the dog to get rid of her hangover.

She was drinking gin last night, so a sip from the gin bottle will help put her body back in balance.

Peggy does not know where the recorder came from. She does remember stealing a buskers hat for her cab fare home. Maybe that explains it.

Lens mouth feels like he fell asleep tongue-first on an antique bear pelt. His heart is galloping, his hair aches, and he worries that there is sweat building up underneath his fingernails.

Len has come outside for some fresh air, but now remembers he is scared of fresh air today.

Maybe the policeman can help.

Can I get you a drink, Len? asks the policeman.

Michael is bored. Mummy has not moved since she put the DVD on.

The menu screen has been going round and round for two hours. Mummy forgot to press play.

Michael should not have woken poor Mummy up so early.

Friday night work drinks went on longer than expected. Ron has a head like a smelting works full of howler monkeys on ephedrine.

Ron is glad Saturday mornings require little more than the vocabulary, reasoning and motor skills of a seven-year-old. Ron is happy on the floor.

Later, he will try to buy a bulb of garlic at a self-service checkout and will burst into tears.

The morning after the party, Emeric is woken by a stray cat licking his face. He has slept under a hedge and cannot remember a thing.

Emeric uses street signs and clues from his clothing to piece together where he lives and what he does for a living.