Jason Hazeley - The Ladybird Book of Red Tape

Publishers: Ladybird Books Ltd., Loughborough
Printed in England. If wet, Italy.

When we are grownups, red tape is everywhere.

There are forms to fill in, call centres to call, and windowed envelopes to hide behind the microwave so you can pretend someone has dealt with them.

Your call is important to us, says the lady on the helpline.

The call is important because it is currently making the company 48p per minute.

Gills parking permit is now stored on a database rather than in the window of her car, so she has never seen the expiry date.

When Gill sees her car being towed away she will be reminded that it needs renewing.

This saves paper.

Noel had to demolish his leanto garage because it was not strong enough to comply with current building regulations.

He is making sure the same thing does not happen with his new bird table.

Sam has forgotten her password so she cannot access her email account.

She can reset her password using a memorable name, but she has forgotten her memorable name too, so the account locks.

Sam automatically receives a link so she can reset her password.

It is sent to her email account.

You are never too young for red tape.

These children have enjoyed a friends party. And now there is paperwork to be done.

Christina waits by the door for the urgent parcel she has been told will be delivered between 18.14 and 19.14.

At 19.15, a little card appears on her doormat as if by magic.

The courier is sorry he missed Christina.

If only the parcels could be delivered as magically as the little cards, thinks Christina.

Roddys bicycle has been stolen.

Colour? asks the policeman.

Black, says Roddy.

Breed? asks the policeman.

The policeman suspects he may have picked the wrong form, but he is halfway down now.

Dale is applying for a change of opinion. He must inform all the relevant authorities.

The man crosses out salt and vinegar and writes cheese and onion.

It is important that records are kept uptodate.

Groinsby and Bungo have been arrested for an infringement of the terms and conditions of their music downloading service.

Sadly, they forgot not to untick the nonselection box indicating they did not either wish nor unwant to avoid not failing to never not receive emails from carefully selected third parties regarding offers which might not not not not uninterest them, so now they must go to prison.

Sometimes there are lots of forms to fill in for a very good reason.

Rof works for the Department of Transport. It is his job to typeset and handprint vellum copies of all driving licences. These are stored in a slate quarry in Neath.

Rofs job has not been necessary since the reign of James II but is covered by some very complex dismissal legislation.

Oscar is on hold while the coastguard is experiencing an unusually high volume of calls.

In the meantime, he is enjoying listening to the Morse Code version of Fields Of Gold.

Aidan is applying for a driving licence through the DVLAs new website.

The website has been 31 years in development and works with any compatible lightpen.

Aidan got his lightpen from an online antique shop.

Harriet is ordering some concert tickets on her mobile telephone.

4604 7899 9190 7684, Harriet shouts to everybody in the carriage.

The helpline asks for Harriets secret card number, to keep her money secure.

310, yells Harriet.

When building contracts are put out to tender, priority is given to bidders from minority groups.