Under The Banana Moon
living, loving, loss and Aspergers
by Kimberly Gerry Tucker
Copyright 2011 Kimberly Gerry Tucker
ISBN-13:978-1505728866
ISBN-10:150572886X
all rights reserved by author
Create Space, Charleston, SC
FOR MY ASPIE FRIENDS
CONTENTS
Foreword by Donna Williams Author's Note Chapters: PART ONE 1. The Tooth Debacle, 2005 2. The First Grey House 3. Uncle Rooster 4. Blond mommy 5. Sidekick 6. Grandma 7. The Sarcastic Tutu 8. Green Girl 9. Eraser Balls 10. Transitions 11. Knucklehead Billy 12. Specks of Many Colors 13. Sensing 14. Movies 15. Not A Word About My Smoking Thing 16. EXPECTANT at 16, A Life Set In Motion PART II 17. Meeting Donna Williams At Long Last 18. I Get a Kick Out Of Steak 19. Jeff 20. Mosaics 21. Day In an Orchard 22. It's Probably Nothing 23. Let's hope It's Cancer 24. What Choice Do I Have? 25. 'Cause It's Friday 26. Muddling Through 27. A Group Thing 28. Fallin' Time 29. Harmony 30. A Real Friend 31. WTNH April 2, 2003, 10:00 PM News 32. The Car 33. Keeper of The Penis 34. Choking 35. Checking The Tube 36. Men In The House 37. He's 40 38. Mimic 39. The Mime's Box 40. Tanager On a Mango 41. Who Brings The Fat Man Doughnuts? 42. Tablet PC 43. Dreams? 44. Another kind Of Movies 45. Emergency, January 2005 46. Hospital, First Stay 47. Home 48. Five Months Later 49. The Aftermath 50. Whirlwind Summer 51. August 52. His Birthday 53. Surprise E-Mail, Full Circle Life 54. Seeking Gainful Employment 55. Crazy 56. Reflections 57. Stars and Coffee Cans AFTERTHOUGHTS In Memory Of |
Foreword T o say I cried when I read Kimberly's book is an understatement. I cried buckets. But this is not a miserable book, far from it. It's a gritty, gutsy, moving, sometimes even funny book about the worst and best of life. It's a book about childhood and innocence, and about entrapment, selling-out and smiling whilst you do the unbelievable, simply because your back is to the wall and you damned well have to. Kimberly's husband, Howie, develops ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease), one of the most challenging of all diseases and one which stripped him of almost every function, with the exception of his intellect and sexuality. Kimberly, a remarkable woman with Asperger's struggling with life-long selective mutism lives in an invisible cage of her own, struggling with being known, being dependent on others, showing her feelings openly. Yet in their incredible journey together it is Howie's obvious imprisonment that overshadows Kimberly's own at every turn. In spite of very real anxiety disorders, anxiety disorders her own invisible cage compels her to hide from others, she is expected to 'pull herself together' and function where many non-autistic adults would crumble. The crazy thing is, she does. There are many on the autistic spectrum who do not feel excruciating social phobia to the degree they are compulsively compelled to hide, lose their natural voice, their connection to their own expressions and actions, but as the author o f Exposure Anxiety; The Invisible Cage of Involuntary Self Protection Response s , I know of these things too well and I know where Kimberly has been. Most people with severe Exposure Anxiety as part of their autism don't speak and Kimberly surely struggled and still does, with verbal communication. We are not all desperate for attention, easily to accept praise, cope with feeling overwhelming gratitude or connection, or want to be known. Some of us are lucky if we manage that with a single friend or partner and Kimberly achieved that, only to lose that partner. What's so much more remarkable is that whilst Kimberly has an obvious natural rapport with others on the autistic spectrum, she was also able to dare to be known by her non-autistic husband who often couldn't see her. For all his faults (and he is unashamedly portrayed here in all his gritty glory) Howie stands out in this book as a real rough diamond. What she's written here is a monument to him, but also an act of enormous daring and self honesty. Howie was no monster but he was not politically correct either. He was a 'rough-and-ready' type of bloke from the same raw, tell it like it is, reality Kimberly grew up in. She saw him beyond his often insensitive, even flippant reactions and still saw him beyond what his disease reduced him to. She saw him even when she's stopped seeing herself. And it is this that leaves me so awestruck about Kimberly Tucker. I identify with her in so many ways. I am proud of her. Let her hide from the world if she is safest in such a 'cat corner', but her individuality and humanity will still jump out as long as she allows us that window through her ARTism, through her writing. Dare to read this book. She dared to write it. You won't forget it. Donna Williams, author of the international bestseller , Nobody Nowhere. |
Authors Note
W abi-sabi is Asian. In a nutshell, it is a feeling of embracing
the perfection of imperfection. It can be felt quietly as the humble beauty of the weed in the sidewalk growing. Its the subtle statement of bubbly seeds in hand-blown bottles and the lovely placement of discarded glass shards into haphazard pattern in a mosaic. It can be a way of life.
When I saw the movie, The King's Speech, I identified with it
in a big way. The King's stammering was like the third person in the room. I related to his anger, frustration, humiliation and
sadness. Not because I stammer, but because there are horrible times my words are gone unsaid, never expressed. I t feel s like my tongue swells to monstrous proportions. It seems like my throat is an elevator in freefall and the bottom drops out. Its like that cartoon about the fire-breathing dragon and it opens its mouth and then nothing comes out but a wisp of smoke.
The title of my book is derived from the camaraderie I share
with a special little boy- Jaden. One evening, we stood outside in line at a farm, under a starlit sky, waiting our turn to order farm-fresh ice cream. He was mesmerized by the night sky, and he finally grasped the meaning of the Twinkle, Twinkle song. He discovered that stars really do twinkle.
"What do you think of this beautiful sky?" I asked him.
"I think sometimes the moon is a ball and sometimes it's a
banana moon," he answered, and with that I felt that as long as I had banana moons above me, I would have the innocence of the young in my heart.
And hope come what may.
In many ways this book is a regurgitation; an attempt to paint a
sensitive and bittersweet life onto the quietness of paper.
Its painting the chameleon by hand every day. Its just another autiebiography in the big scheme of things. Its wabi-sabi in the details. -K.G.T.
PART ONE
Chapter One: The Tooth Debacle, 2005
I was concerned about the tooth, of all things. After he was
pronounced dead, I consoled the nurse. You did everything you could for him, I said, patting her back. Her eyes were round and moist. I was numb. She kept apologizing, but I knew that lungs operating at less than five percent capacity for so long do not reinflate.
And I was ready to escape the small gallery of mourners
and leave for home. Two weeks of living in a hospital by
someones bedside without leaving the building had me starving for fresh air. I would cry at home, in private cuddled with my little girl. The bedside cot Id been provided for my two week stay concealed my fanny pack that Id stashed in its tangle of crisp white sheets.
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