Dr. Kevin Leman - Pleasers: Why Women Dont Have to Make Everyone Happy to Be Happy

pleasers

Also by Dr. Kevin Leman

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Sex Begins in the Kitchen
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Be Your Own Shrink

pleasers

why women dont have to
make everyone happy to be happy

Dr. Kevin Leman

1987, 2006 by Dr. Kevin Leman

Published by Fleming H. Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.revellbooks.com

New paperback edition published 2006

Previously published in 1988 under the title Women Who Try Too Hard: Breaking the Pleaser Habits

Printed in the United States of America

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Leman, Kevin.
Pleasers : why women dont have to make everyone happy to be happy / Kevin Leman.
p. cm.
Previously published in 1988 under the title Women who try too hard : breaking the pleaser habitsT.p. verso.
Includes bibliographical references (p. ).
ISBN 10: 0-8007-3125-5 (pbk.)
ISBN 978-0-8007-3125-0 (pbk.)
1. WomenPsychology. 2. Self-esteem in women. 3. Dominance (Psychology) 4. Assertiveness in women. I. Title.
HQ1206.L426 2006
155.6'33dc22

2005037894

Scripture quotations identified NIV are from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations identified TLB are from The Living Bible, copyright 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Quotation from Ann Landers appeared in The Tucson Citizen, Tuesday, April 21, 1987, and is used by permission of the Los Angeles Times Syndicate.

To Hannah Elizabeth Leman
Born June 20, 1987

Hannah Elizabeth

A childs warm and tender skin
Soft and smooth, without a flaw.

The small body hasnt experienced life yet
Just being born into it
But this is Gods law.

The innocence of a child,
something we should all have
something we should strive to be.

An innocent child, fresh in Gods sight,
As she ventures out to experience life.

Holly Leman, age 14

Contents

Do you know this woman?

Her motto in life is peace at any price. This is a woman who bites off far more than she can chew. Shes responsible for other peoples failures and negligence. She should have been a bail bondswoman because shes great at bailing people out of their messes.

Youd like her because shes a very nice person. Everyone else likes her too. But she wants the oceans of life smooth around her. She avoids conflict. She laughs at a joke she doesnt understand. She appears unaffected when she is offended. Shes responsible for everything. If it rains at the family reunion, its her fault because she picked the location.

Shes most likely the firstborn daughter or the middle daughter. People know her soft spots. They know how to push her buttons. Many days she runs on a tankful of guilt that she can live on for a week at a time. Driven by the guilt she carries through life, she doesnt know how to say no.

Again, I ask you, do you know this person? Shes the Pleaser. And in the pages that follow, Pleasers will teach this woman how to develop know power. What does that mean? Well, theres something wonderful about having a pleasing personality, and theres certainly nothing wrong with pleasing other people. Lets face itthe world would be a lot nicer place to live in if we had more people who were bent on pleasing others. But at what expense to the Pleaser and the ones she tries to satisfy?

Maybe you know this woman. Or, maybe you are this woman. Pleasers is a book written specifically for you, and for those who want to help you. Just as important, this book will help you become what I call a Positive Pleaser.

Then you can kiss the old days good-bye... the days when you used to say yes but you really meant no.

PART 1
Portrait of the Pleaser

What is she like, this woman who wants to please? Is she motivated by fear or does she have a Florence Nightingale complex? Is it bad to be a pleaser? Does pleasing inevitably lead to being a doormat and thus a slave to a controller? Are there different kinds of pleasers? How did you get to be a pleaser? Is it inherited, like blue eyes, or did you learn it? In the first three chapters you will learn the answers to these questions, as well as

what is the life-style of the typical pleaser?

where do you fit on the Pyramid of Pleasers?

why no is the hardest word a pleaser ever has to say

the key characteristics of all pleasers

how pleasers are trained from childhood to be good little girls

how the love bank affects your relationships

what kind of pleaser are you? This quiz will tell

why the little girl you once were is still with you

why your relationship to Daddy was absolutely crucial

why you cant change your grain but you can change

which birth order has the most pleasers

why the youngest members of the family are the least likely to be pleasers

1
What Kind of Pleaser Are You?

She always tries to make everyone happy.

She seems quite confident on the surface, but behind the Im working at it smile is a woman who is a bit down. She doesnt feel as if she measures up to what life is throwing at her, and shes in my office to figure out why.

Her story pours out. Shes successful as wife, mother, and working woman. She is busy, oh, so busy. Her schedule rivals the man who rides around in Air Force One. It seems her kids are involved in every activity and sport, and therefore so is she.

Her husband? Well, hes busy too, even busier than she is. He works long hours, staggers in anywhere from 7:30 to 9:45 p.m., sometimes too tired to eat, always ready to collapse on the couch and watch TV. She doesnt say anything, of course, because when she does he can get quite angry. Hes doing it all for me and the girls, she tells herself.

This woman seems to have it all, so Why, she asks, am I so depressed? Why dont my kids listen to me? Why cant I say no? I even buy things from machines that call with a recorded sales pitch. Why does everyone take advantage of me? I try so hard to please. Why is everybody on my back?

Tell me more, I reply, usually knowing what she will say.

And the story continues to come out. She isnt as confident as her perfectly tailored suit and perfectly done face, nails, and hair suggest. She is achieving at work but doesnt feel that good about it.

I second-guess myself, she says ruefully. I doubt my ability even when I succeed and my boss praises me for it. I feel I should have done it better. I rethink things until I find fault with myself.

After work her balancing act continues. She rushes over to her mothers house, where her two daughters always go after school. And she gets it there with both barrels.

Her mother always worries about her health. Shes working too hard. She needs more rest. How can she care for a family and work, too?

Her two daughters arent as concerned about her rest. In fact, they want her to run a little faster. Why is she late again? Whats for dinner? Can they watch TV until nine oclock? Are they going to the zoo Saturday? Did she get the material to make the costumes for their party?