Kevin Leman - Smart Women Know When to Say No

1987, 2006 by Dr. Kevin Leman

Published by Revell

a division of Baker Publishing Group

P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287

www.revellbooks.com

Ebook edition created 2013

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

ISBN 978-1-4412-1384-6

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

Scripture marked NIV is taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com

Scripture marked TLB is taken from The Living Bible , copyright 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Quotation from Ann Landers appeared in The Tucson Citizen , Tuesday, April 21, 1987, and is used by permission of the Los Angeles Times Syndicate.

To Hannah Elizabeth Leman

Born June 20, 1987

Hannah Elizabeth

A childs warm and tender skin

Soft and smooth, without a flaw.

The small body hasnt experienced life yet

Just being born into it

But this is Gods law.

The innocence of a child,

something we should all have

something we should strive to be.

An innocent child, fresh in Gods sight,

As she ventures out to experience life.

Holly Leman, age 14

Contents

Introduction

Do you know this woman?

Her motto in life is peace at any price. This is a woman who bites off far more than she can chew. Shes responsible for other peoples failures and negligence. She should have been a bail bondswoman because shes great at bailing people out of their messes.

Youd like her because shes a very nice person. Everyone else likes her too. But she wants the oceans of life smooth around her. She avoids conflict. She laughs at a joke she doesnt understand. She appears unaffected when she is offended. Shes responsible for everything. If it rains at the family reunion, its her fault because she picked the location.

Shes most likely the firstborn daughter or the middle daughter. People know her soft spots. They know how to push her buttons. Many days she runs on a tankful of guilt that she can live on for a week at a time. Driven by the guilt she carries through life, she doesnt know how to say no.

Again, I ask you, do you know this person? Shes the Pleaser. And in the pages that follow, Smart Women Know When to Say No will teach this woman how to develop know power. What does that mean? Well, theres something wonderful about having a pleasing personality, and theres certainly nothing wrong with pleasing other people. Lets face itthe world would be a lot nicer place to live in if we had more people who were bent on pleasing others. But at what expense to the Pleaser and the ones she tries to satisfy?

Maybe you know this woman. Or, maybe you are this woman. Smart Women Know When to Say Know is a book written specifically for you, and for those who want to help you. Just as important, this book will help you become what I call a Positive Pleaser.

Then you can kiss the old days good-byethe days when you used to say yes but you really meant no.

What is she like, this woman who wants to please? Is she motivated by fear or does she have a Florence Nightingale complex? Is it bad to be a pleaser? Does pleasing inevitably lead to being a doormat and thus a slave to a controller? Are there different kinds of pleasers? How did you get to be a pleaser? Is it inherited, like blue eyes, or did you learn it? In the first three chapters you will learn the answers to these questions, as well as

• the life-style of the typical pleaser
• where you fit on the Pyramid of Pleasers
• why no is the hardest word a pleaser ever has to say
• the key characteristics of all pleasers
• how pleasers are trained from childhood to be good little girls
• how the love bank affects your relationships
• what kind of pleaser you are
• why the little girl you once were is still with you
• why your relationship to Daddy was absolutely crucial
• why you cant change your grain but you can change
• which birth order has the most pleasers
• why the youngest members of the family are the least likely to be pleasers

1

She always tries to make everyone happy.

She seems quite confident on the surface, but behind the Im working at it smile is a woman who is a bit down. She doesnt feel as if she measures up to what life is throwing at her, and shes in my office to figure out why.

Her story pours out. Shes successful as wife, mother, and working woman. She is busy, oh, so busy. Her schedule rivals the man who rides around in Air Force One . It seems her kids are involved in every activity and sport, and therefore so is she.

Her husband? Well, hes busy too, even busier than she is. He works long hours, staggers in anywhere from 7:30 to 9:45 p.m., sometimes too tired to eat, always ready to collapse on the couch and watch TV. She doesnt say anything, of course, because when she does he can get quite angry. Hes doing it all for me and the girls , she tells herself.

This woman seems to have it all, so Why, she asks, am I so depressed? Why dont my kids listen to me? Why cant I say no? I even buy things from machines that call with a recorded sales pitch. Why does everyone take advantage of me? I try so hard to please. Why is everybody on my back?

Tell me more, I reply, usually knowing what she will say.

And the story continues to come out. She isnt as confident as her perfectly tailored suit and perfectly done face, nails, and hair suggest. She is achieving at work but doesnt feel that good about it.

I second-guess myself, she says ruefully. I doubt my ability even when I succeed and my boss praises me for it. I feel I should have done it better. I rethink things until I find fault with myself.

After work her balancing act continues. She rushes over to her mothers house, where her two daughters always go after school. And she gets it there with both barrels.

Her mother always worries about her health. Shes working too hard. She needs more rest. How can she care for a family and work, too?

Her two daughters arent as concerned about her rest. In fact, they want her to run a little faster. Why is she late again? Whats for dinner? Can they watch TV until nine oclock? Are they going to the zoo Saturday? Did she get the material to make the costumes for their party?

Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed, she admits. I dont think I can do it. Maybe my mother is right. I guess I just dont have what it takes to make a good marriage today. My friends arent doing much better. It seems as if everybody is getting divorced.

When you were a little girl, what was it like growing up? I ask, and she remembers having to stand on her own two feet after her dad left when she was ten.

Mom drove him out, she recalls. He loved me, I know he did, but he couldnt take the hassle. And when he started drinking, that was it. Mom said he had to get out and he did. I saw him only a few times after that. He was going to come to my high school graduation but something happened.