Kevin Leman - Living in a Step-Family Without Getting Stepped on: Helping Your Children Survive The Birth Order Blender

LIVING
in a
STEP-
FAMILY
Without Getting
STEPPED ON

For more information about seminars or speaking engagements with Dr. Kevin Leman, please write to him at:

P.O. Box 35370

Tucson,.AZ 85740

If you prefer, you may call Dr. Leman at (520) 797-3830 or send him a fax at (520) 797-3809.

To become a realFAMILIES club member, call toll-free (877) 4 REAL US.

Web site: realfamilies.com

Copyright 1994 by Dr. Kevin Leman

All rights reserved. Written permission must be secured from the publisher to use or reproduce any part of this book, except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Leman, Kevin.

Living in a stepfamily without getting stepped on / Kevin Leman.

p.cm.

ISBN 0-7852-6601-1 (pb)

ISBN 0-8407-3492-1 (hc)

1. Stepfamilies. 2. Title.

HQ759.92.L45 1994

306.874dc20

94-3565

CIP

Printed in the United States of America

2 3 4 5 6 05 04 03 02 01

This book is affectionately dedicated to my mom, May Leman, for always loving me.

CONTENTS

Why
Stepfamilies
Face the
Birth Order
Blender

They Thought
They Would
Live Happily
Blended Ever
After, and
Then...

Phil C., a regional sales manager for a large computer firm, looked the part: early forties, clean-cut, wearing the carefully pressed custom suit, the fine silk tie, the Gucci shoes. He had invited me to lunch, explaining that he had heard me speak at a conference a few weeks earlier and that he was interested in my availability for other engagements. Since it sounded like a good contactI speak for many corporations, companies, and organizationsI accepted. Besides, he was buying.

But as Phil and I chatted, I could tell he had something else in mind besides my speaking for a group of sales reps at some posh resort.

You know, Dr. Leman, when Peggythats my wifeand I decided to attend your birth order session at that conference in Chicago last month, we didnt know what to expect. But after the first few minutes, we were chuckling and elbowing each other. It was as if you had been looking in our windows or reading our mail. You had her kids and my kids nailed to a tee, describing what happens on a daily basis in our home. It was almost uncanny.

Well, sometimes I can get lucky. Birth order doesnt always fit everyone perfectly, I told him, but it is amazing how often it does connect.

Well, you sure connected with us. My firstborn son, Lance, is a classic example of the conscientious, hard-driving type. And Peggys firstborn daughter, Carol, is Miss Perfectionist Plus. Peggys got a middle child, Patrick, whos gone just the other direction from Carol. Hes the family jocka terrific volleyball playerand couldnt care less about school. And oh, yes, Peggys last born, Tina, is definitely the charming entertainershe keeps us all in stitches.

The typical characteristics of birth order often fit kids to a tee, I commented. Come to think of it, Phil, I think I can guess your birth order. Ive already gotten some pretty good hints.

Well, sure, I guess so, he allowed, but I dont know how you could tell so soon. This is the first time weve met, and weve only been talking for about thirty-five minutes.

Well, the expensive suit, the very fashionable tie, and the alligator shoes all point in one basic direction. But maybe what really clinches it is your digital watch. I would say youre the firstborn male of your family.

Guilty! laughed Phil. Im the oldest in my family, and I have a younger sister and two other brothers. But how can you tell just from looking at what Im wearing? A lot of sales managers wear suits and ties. And everybody wears a watch.

Yes, but your suit is perfectly pressed. Your tie has no signs of having been to lunch in other restaurants, and your shoes gleam like diamonds. In other words, youre what I call impeccably groomed, and this is always a big tip-off on firstborns. Its true, of course, that other birth orders may dress impeccably, too, but there is just something about the way you carry yourself and the way you talk that led me down the firstborn lane.

Okay, but whats this about my watch?

Note that its digitalcapable of giving you the exact time, not to mention the date and several other functions, all of which point to a certain amount of perfectionism, another telltale trait of the firstborn. But I dont really think you invited me to lunch to guess your birth order or even to talk about speaking for another company conference some time. I heard you mention her kids and my kids. I hope Im not making too personal an observation, but youre in a blended family, right?

Yes, and youre not getting too personal at all. In fact, I hope you dont mind if I tell you about my family because I guess thats really why Im here. Ive been remarried for about two years. Peggy and I both came out of lousy marriagesat the end there was no communication, no trust, no working together, and almost nonexistent sex.

How did you and Peggy meet? I asked.

Through some mutual friends. My life was transformed in a matter of weeks. Everything seemed to fall into place, and even our kids all seemed in favor of us getting married. We made them part of the wedding, and we thought we were going to live happily ever after in one big blended familymy two, her three, and us, almost a Brady Bunchand if you include the golden retriever my kids and I brought along, we do have the Brady Bunch numbers.

But youre here to tell me that the Brady Bunch youre not, I said.

Id say its more like Married With Children. As I said, her kids and mine both acted like they really wanted us to get married, but when we came home from our honeymoon, the tension started almost immediately. When I show any interest in Peggys girls, in particular, my second born, Tiffany, really gives me a bad time, anything from giving me the cold shoulder to throwing a small fit. And Peggy tells me that being stepmother to my two kids has not been much fun. She hadnt been in the house three weeks when they decided she was the wicked stepmother. Were both totally baffled because Peggy has bent over backwards to be good to my kids and give them things their mother never even tried to give them.

Does their natural mother see them much? I asked.

She ran off with my supposed best friend. Seldom contacts the kids at all. But what I want to know, Dr. Leman, is where did Peggy and I go wrong? We had long talks, and we knew there would be some problems. We even got some counseling before the wedding. We thought we were ready. Everything looked so good, but now we have to admit that we werent at all prepared for what we got into.

Actually, I wouldnt think of it as what you did wrong, Phil. When you remarried you stepped into some typical problems that I hear about all the time. Its interesting that even though you got counseling and you thought you were ready, now you can see that you werent preparedthats also a situation I hear about a lot. If its any comfort, youre like a lot of intelligent people who try to go into building a blended family with their eyes open. They somehow still buy into the myths that make them think, Our blended family will be different.

Myths? What myths? Phil asked.

Well, for one thing, while you admitted that you might have a few problems, you probably believed that everything would just come together and youd have a happy, normal life.

I have to admit youre right, said Phil. It seemed to me that we had so much going for us. The wedding went so well we thought managing our new family was going to be a piece of cakeno pun intended.