DoughertyBarry - The Friars Club encyclopedia of jokes: over 2,000 one-liners, straight lines, stories, gags and put-downs

The Friars Club Encyclopedia of JOKES

Over 2,000 One-Liners,
Straight Lines, Stories, Gags,
Roasts, Ribs, and Put-Downs

Compiled by Barry Dougherty
and H. Aaron Cohl

Copyright 1997, 2009 by Affinity Communications Corp.
All rights reserved. No part of this book, either text or illustration,
may be used or reproduced in any form without prior
written permission from the publisher.

Published by Black Dog & Leventhal Publishers, Inc.
151 West 19th Street, New York, NY 10011
Distributed by Workman Publishing Company

225 Varick Street, New York, NY 10014
Manufactured in the United States of America

Cover design by Daberko
Interior design by Liz Trovato

Manufactured in the United States of America

ISBN-13: 978-1-57912-804-3
h g f e d c b a
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available upon request.

The Friars Club has been the bastion of laughter longer than anyone can remember. They started in 1904 and while a few people around here may think they can recall those early daystrust me, they cant even recall the ham on rye they had an hour ago.

This private club that is home to actors, singers, dancers, musiciansand yes, even doctors, lawyers, and dentistshas been lucky to have among them the top comedians of all time. The Friars know a lot about comedy and their legendary roasts have been talked about, copied, trespassed, appalled, revered, scorned, applauded, and just plain loved for quite some time.

When the Friars first started there were no comedy clubs, no TV, no Internetif you wanted to hear a joke you had to rely on your unfunny coworker or annoying brother-in-law. And, if you wanted to tell one, you had to remember the countless jokes floating around the atmosphere. Thankfully today, with one-stop shopping, all you have to do is pick up The Friars Club Encyclopedia of Jokes, find a joke, any joke, and viola! Instant laughs.

But while youre telling those jokes, or listening to them, or just reading them to yourself, try to remember the men and women behind the funny. If it werent for these comedians and other amusing sorts it would be a very quiet read. The Friars Club is proud of its roster of jokesters who will keep the laughs intact for the next hundred or so years until they need to upgrade the yuks. Its these brave souls who stand naked on a stage and throw caution to the wind hoping (and maybe a little praying) that when they finish talking the room will be noisy as hell from laughter.

To Ben Barto and Caleb Larson who worked their magic to research the laughs, I saythe book is out now, go buy it. To Howard Cohl, who started the ball rolling on the Friars book journey, dont just sit therestart thinking up more ideas! To the Friars Executive Director Michael Gyure and Executive Director Emeritus Jean-Pierre Trebot who love a good guffawforget the Club Managers Handbook, THIS is how you run a clubwith laughs.

To Freddie Roman, the Dean of the Friars Club and master joker, thank you for inspiring so many young comics to ply their trade at the Friars. The Club has opened doors and introduced recent headliners and television superstars to the general publicapologies for those with no sense of humor that dont get the monumental significance of that. And to all of you who love a good laughenjoy the read.

Barry Dougherty

All the Friars Club ever did for me is put me on national television and tell everyone who would listen how many men Ive had sex with. Not to mention all the times Ive done it wearing a dress and how unfunny I am. Oh, and according to the Friars, I didnt deserve any of my money.

Old hat, really.

The Friars Club has been roasting celebrities since 1950. You know all those Dean Martin and Comedy Central roasts? The Friars Club did it first, and does it better. Mine happened to be the first one they ever broadcast on television (dirty words and all), so a record Comedy Central audience got to hear about my appalling sexual habits and lack of talent.

So thats what the Friars are known for. Roasting people.

What you probably dont know is what most people do at the Friars Club. They sit around and tell jokes. Some drink, some dont. Sometimes theres a little dinner. But they all tell jokes to one another. And jokes at the Friars Club are like hundred dollar bills at a casino. The more good ones you have the more people like you.

You are now holding in your hands the latest edition of the best of these jokes. Its likeoh I dont knowone of those stupid emails that one friend of yours always sends you with all the jokes in it. But in a book.

And Im writing the foreword to this Big Book of Stolen Jokes because the night the Friars roasted me was one of the greatest nights in my life. All the jokes about my little dick and how fat I amI loved them. The tales of my tremendously gay oral skills and overly hospitable anal cavity were like big hugs. And the more cross-dressing they said I did, the more I wanted to lay down my life for them.

But that other stuff? Up yours, Friars. I AM funny, and I deserve every dollar Ive ever made.

Love,

Drew Carey

October 2008

How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?

One hundred. One to change the bulb, and ninety-nine to say, I could have done that.

NORM CROSBY

Im walking to work, up Sixth Avenue, and its a lovely spring day and I see one of those mime performers. So the mime is doing that famous routine where hes pretending to be trapped in a box. So I stand there and watch the mime pretend to be trapped in a box. And he finishes up, and, thank God, he wasnt really trapped in a box. And I see on the sidewalk there hes got a little hat for moneychange, tips, donations, contributions. So I went over and I pretended to put a dollar bill in his hat.

DAVID LETTERMAN

The great actor was known for his many romances coast to coast, and over the years he was faced with many paternity suits. One day a young man came into his dressing room and introduced himself. Im your son, he said.

The Great One looked intently at the youth, then exclaimed, So you are! He turned to his valet and said, Give the boy a pass.

JOEY ADAMS

Playing Shakespeare is so tiring. You never get a chance to sit down unless youre a king.

JOSEPHINE HULL

John Barrymore once said, One of my chief regrets is that I cant sit in the audience and watch me.

JOEY ADAMS

The bum chose matinee time, when the streets of the theater district were crowded with people hurrying to get to the show, to do his panhandling. Sizing up a well-dressed gentleman, he lurched over and asked politely, Sir, may I borrow a quarter?

The well-heeled man looked over the top of his glasses at the bum, cleared his throat, and quoted, Neither a borrower nor a lender be, William Shakespeare.

The bum looked back at him and retorted, Up yours, asshole, David Mamet.

Danny Kaye noted the difference between comedy and tragedy in Russian drama. In both, everybody dies; but in the comedy, they die happy.

Did you hear that Jack Lemmon beat off a mugger with a 4-iron? How many strokes?

A number of years after he had worked on a film with a glamorous movie star, a certain cinematographer was asked to work with her again. The diva was not at all pleased with the results. In the first film we did together I looked radiantly beautiful, and this time I look like a hag, she complained bitterly.