Williams - Its Not You, Its Me: the Poetry of Breakup

This edition first published in paperback in the United States in 2012 by The Overlook Press, Peter Mayer Publishers, Inc. 141 Wooster Street New York, NY 10012 www.overlookpress.com For bulk and special sales, please contact sales@overlookny.com Copyright 2010 by Jerry Williams All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system now known or to be invented, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who wishes to quote brief passages in connection with a review written for inclusion in a magazine, newspaper, or broadcast. ISBN 978-1-46830-433-6 for Jenni Ferrari-Adler, Juliet Grames,Leslie Brandon, and Stephanie Gortonand in memory of Ai and Steve Orlen P OETRY IS MY FAVORITE FORM OF HUMAN EXPRESSION ON EARTH . B REAKUPS ARE my least favorite. So why am I introducing a book that intermingles both splendor and ruin? Let me try to explain.

I have endured four major breakups in my life. Each one nearly killed me. Without a two-month grief regimen of inspiring poetry, unintentional dieting, weightlifting, sofa catatonia, and the potentially detrimental miracle of antidepressant and anti-anxiety medication, I might never have survived. Whats more, a number of lesser disintegrations have compromised my brittle nervous system. By now, Ive spent so much time in the throes of dissolution that I must certainly have achieved a keener understanding of the process, if not an advanced degree of expertise. When I see a breakup on the horizon, I grease myself down for the inevitable descent into hell.

I quickly arrange for a therapist and pills. I warn my friends. I stock up on bananas and peanut butter, and I place the elegant volumes of, say, Mark Strand and the poet Ai on the nightstand. I post the gym hours on the refrigerator. When Im inside a breakup the business of life slows to a crawl, and the thought of one person occupies my entire imagination. I doubt the ragged wisdom Ive accrued is worth the mental and physical toll exacted by the experience.

Its like saying youre really good at getting struck by lightning. Biographically speaking, Debra came first. We met in high school in Dayton, Ohio. We treated each other sweetly for a long time, but she grew to resent my weirdo literary aspirations, and the relationship turned gory. She started cheating on me with two different guys, and instead of getting rid of me she kept me around as a witness to her infinite need to feel wanted. I can remember lying on the floor with my ear to the telephone, consumed by jealousy and shaking like a condemned prisoner, as she recounted the prurient details of her betrayal.

At the time, my parents were howling through a divorce. My father had gone bankrupt, and my mother and I moved into a one-bedroom apartment with my two older sisters and my three-year-old niece. My father ended up living in his car. Around Christmas, the distaff side of my family kicked me out of the apartment, and I moved in with a friend. The depression that resulted from converging misfortunes brought me to my knees. I couldnt get out of bed.

I couldnt eat. I couldnt breathe. I felt as though Id developed a psychic tumor. I wanted to throw myself under a bus in order to annihilate the vessel that offered shelter to such unrelenting pain. Luckily, Id been in trouble with the police (thievery, vandalism), and my court-appointed therapist put me on an anti-depressant that gave me cottonmouth and made my lower back hurt. The drug saved me from complete collapse, and I avoided the state mental ward, but the way I would now live in the world changed forever.

Anguish had taken up residence in a dim, airless room just down the hall, and the door could fly open at any moment and suck my fragile life inside. Debra haunted the fringes for a few more yearsbetter the devil you know, I supposethen she pirated off into her own separate future. I read a fair amount of poetry during this period, the only communication that could touch my panic and melancholy. I virtually inhabited Stephen Bergs poem Listener, in which a man and woman end their relationship over the phone. The narrators frantic reaction to the facts rings true. His unraveling culminates in the contemplation of advancing shock troops and birdsong.

Amy Gerstlers Fuck You Poem #45 reflected my rage. The precision of her language slashes her rival to ribbons. And Denis Johnsons poem After Mayakovsky nearly gave me the strength to address / the ages and history and the universe and say to Debra, I swear youll never see my face again. At the University of Dayton, I met Amanda, a political science major. We dated for a total of five yearsnine months of which we lived together in Los Angeles. Much of the relationship was a disaster.

I lied and cheated and punched walls, and I drank like a billy goat eats. We broke up three times, once in a parking lot in Las Vegas, once or twice through the mail during an interval of geographic separation. I kept telling myself that something was waiting for me around the bend or over the next ridge and when I found it I needed to be alone. Somehow, I followed Amanda to New Jersey when she got accepted to graduate school at Princeton. Soon after we arrived, I found myself browsing the faintly-lit stacks at the university library and came across Robert Kellys book Under Words. The poem I want to tell you why husbands stop loving wives jumped off the page, grabbed me by the throat, and forced me to confess that Amanda and I needed to die to each other and live.

I provoked the final disconnection as we sat in her car one evening, right around the corner from the library where I had recently taken a job searching for lost books. Three weeks later I tried to retract the pronouncement, but she was already seeing someone else. I cried and pleaded and confessed all my sins in a convulsion of jealousyto no avail. Clearly, I got what I deserved: two years of isolation and celibacy. In his poem The Pure Loneliness, Michael Ryan describes, in his own blood, the nemesis I would face: Late at night when youre so lonely, / your shoulders curl toward the center of your body, / you call no one and you dont call out. // This is dignity.

This is the pure loneliness / that made Christ think he was God. When Amanda cut off all contact, I dug a hide against depressions nuclear winter. I located a therapist and a pharmacologist, and I bought myself a good pillow. I started going to the gym in order to burn off the agitation that my agony produced, lifting weights and riding the exercise bike like a grim-faced, self-flagellating Travis Bickle in Scorceses Taxi Driver. At work, I would sometimes speed-walk down to the lockable restroom on B floor of the library, drop to the dirty tile, and rip through forty or fifty push-ups with my eyes tightly closed. The tasks I performed in my job required autonomy and quiet, thus my co-workers barely noticed that my speaking voice had dwindled to a stage-whisper.

Sadness filled every crevice of every moment. At home, my body ached and my mind continually drowned in its own poison. The past and the future seemed to disappear in a haze of dread. I couldnt remember a time when I felt right and I couldnt envision a time when I would ever feel right again. My therapist reasoned that breakups tapped into the privation of my childhood and triggered the mania, but awareness of this diagnosis only made the pain worsebecause after a breakup or divorce knowledge is powerlessness. Rationality starves.