Paul Mani - Summary of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Countrys Foremost Relationship Expert: Conversation Starters

Summary

of

Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

John Gottman

Busy Readers Conversation Starters

Paul Mani,

London Sky Press

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First Published in the United States of America 2019

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Table of Contents

T

he Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is a book written by John Gottman. It is hailed as revolutionary for proposing a different way to understand and fix marriages.

Gottman studied couples for several years and identified habits that strengthen or break down a marriage. The book is the result of his work, having concluded seven principles that are the key to a harmonious and lasting relationship. It explains the new approach that the author has discovered that enable couples to resolve conflicts. Couples are taught how to create common ground and become more intimate.

The book is considered by couple therapy professionals as the definitive guide for people who want their relationships to be at their best. The seven principles are: 1) enhance your love maps; 2) nurture your fondness and admiration; 3) turn toward each other instead of away; 4) let your partner influence you; 5) solve your solvable problems; 6) overcome gridlock; 7) create shared meaning.

A review by webpsychology.com says the book gives assurance that marriages can survive and thrive during these times of high divorce rates. Gottman's many studies on marriages have led to his view that it is emotional intelligence that is the key to happy and strong marriages. Couples can learn the skill, and the book teaches them how to do it. It serves as a handbook. Some readers expressed disapproval for Gottman's strong language and arrogance. "However, it's hard to argue with the man who pioneered the field of marital research and can predict with greater than 90 percent accuracy whether a couple will divorce.," webspsychology's review says. Many couples have admitted that the book's principles made a difference in their relationships. Often, traditional counseling has failed to fix these marriages. Web psychology recommends the book for couples whether they have strong marriages or not. The book is written in a straightforward manner. It provides exercises for couples based on research done by Gottman through the Gottman Institute.

One of the book's important advice is that friendship is a key factor in determining a marriage's success. It cites that "The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple's friendship. For men, the determining factor is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple's friendship."

Gottman identifies four factors that lead to failed marriages. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The book explains that marriage can still be saved if both partners remember and cherish their earlier happier days and why they fell in love with each other. But when they both have rewritten their history and communication has become impossible, the marriage will eventually fail.

Daniel Goleman, the author of Emotional Intelligence, says the book is a "practical guide to an emotionally intelligent -- and long-lasting -- marriage." Newsweek review says Gottman has the best qualification in writing the book. He is both a scientist and a romantic. USA Today review cites Gottman's 25 years of research as a landmark and foundation for the book.

Critics praised the book for being compatible with feminist principles. The book highlights the principle of shared power as a factor in a marriage's success. This is in contrast to the popular book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, which encourages unequal power sharing between men and women and affirms traditional gender roles that do not stress equality.

The Family Business Review says the book has a commercial focus and therefore does not have data that allows for evaluation of its research methods. There is an intuitive sense in the conclusions made by Gottman. The review recommends the book to family business professionals."

The Family Journal cites the book's focus on positive feelings that serve as a foundation for a strong marriage. Couples are encouraged to be aware of their own behaviors and be responsible for them. "This book is a call to act with honor and respect within relationships," the review says.

Milton Spett of NJ-ACT.org criticized Gottman's claims about the effectiveness of his therapy approach. He accordingly makes claims "without reporting any of the standard techniques of outcome research: no control group, no random assignment to treatments, no blind assessment of outcome." Relationship Enhancement Therapy's Robert F. Scuka argued that Gottman has one-sided results and "overlooks several important considerations that call into question his implied dismissal of the RE model as a legitimate therapeutic intervention for distressed couples." The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work was a New York Times bestseller when it was first published in 2000. A new edition came out in 2015.