Chloé Hilliard - F*ck Your Diet: And Other Things My Thighs Tell Me

Praise for

Chlo is the hilarious voice of reason we all need right now. Im very grateful for this book.

Amy Schumer

Smart, inspiring, and hilarious. Chlo lets it all hang out. We should too.

Wanda Sykes

A witty, whip-smart exploration of the ways society has screwed up the way we see our bodies. Chlo blends together comedy and journalism in an exciting and entertaining fashion. If only I could go back in time and give this book to my younger, less secure self.

Franchesca Ramsey, host of MTV Decoded and author of Well, That Escalated Quickly

Hilarious and honest, Chlo Hilliard holds nothing back in this f*cking JOY of a read!

Jes Baker, author and creator of The Militant Baker

A heartfelt, amusing essay collection. The authors self-love message will resonate with readers who appreciate narratives of personal and professional fulfillment.

Publishers Weekly

F*ck Your Diet is the perfect recipe of raw humor, fresh insight, and sharp honesty. This book will disrupt your thinking on food, identity, and society. More importantly, it will inspire you to reimagine yourself and the world on more loving and humane terms. This offering marks Chlo Hilliards emergence as one of the most important and original voices of her generation.

Marc Lamont Hill, professor of media studies, Temple University, and host of BET News

Gallery Books

An Imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

1230 Avenue of the Americas

New York, NY 10020

www.SimonandSchuster.com

Copyright 2020 by Chlo Hilliard

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address Gallery Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

Note to readers: Certain names and characteristics of people portrayed have been changed.

First Gallery Books hardcover edition January 2020

GALLERY BOOKS and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-866-506-1949 or .

The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event. For more information or to book an event, contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com.

Interior design by Davina Mock-Maniscalco

Jacket design by John Vairo Jr.

Jacket photographs by Christopher Patey

Photographs courtesy of the authors friends and family

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Hilliard, Chlo, author.

Title: F*ck your diet : and other things my thighs tell me / Chlo Hilliard.

Other titles: Fuck your diet

Description: First Gallery Books hardcover edition. | New York : Gallery Books, 2020. Identifiers: LCCN 2019031745 (print) | LCCN 2019031746 (ebook) | ISBN 781982108618 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781982108625 (paperback) | ISBN 9781982108632 (ebook) Subjects: LCSH: Hilliard, Chlo. | African American women, comediansBiography. | Body image in womenUnited StatesHumor. | Self-esteem in women

United StatesHumor. | United StatesRace relations21st centuryHumor. Classification: LCC PN2287.H516 A5 2020 (print) | LCC PN2287.H516 (ebook) | DDC 818/.602dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019031745

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019031746

ISBN 978-1-9821-0861-8

ISBN 978-1-9821-0863-2 (ebook)

To Mom and Dad for your love, support, and fat genes.

This book isnt a grandchild, but its close.

P.S. Dont read chapter 15.

To my amazing friends who indulged me during a Fat Girl Moment without judgment and those who smacked food from my hand because I was supposed to be eating clean.

Your understanding means the world to me.

And lastly, to any person whos looked in the mirror and hated the skin theyre indont shrink when you really should soar.

prologue DIABETES FOR BREAKFAST

I had a perfect body once. I was five. Ever since, Ive been consumed with trying to fit in, both literally and figuratively. Standing six foot one, fluctuating between fat and thick since the age of twelve, big was my unofficial nickname. Its funny how people consider that to be a compliment.

Wow, youre a BIG girl! delivered with a smile as if they hadnt publicly questioned my ability to walk away from a plate. Understandably, they had no idea that the giant before them was an impressionable, introverted child with no say in what or how much was on her plate. No one wants to admit it, but a person doesnt get fat by themselves. I didnt come out of the womb craving McNuggets and Oreos. The system planted that gluttonous seed in my malleable mind. It was The Man with buckets of fried chicken deals and $1 pizza slices. Meanwhile, an organic apple comes with a credit check.

F*ck Your Diet is the chronicle of nearly forty years of failures mixed with conspiracy theories, supported facts, and many TMI moments. Im stirring the pot and exposing, what I believe to be, the history of government policies and corporate capitalism thats affected my waistline, self-esteem, and body image.

As if American economics and policies didnt do enough to screw up how and what we eat, societys unrealistic expectations of beauty are strongly suggested at every turn. We want slim waists and muscles when our meals are extra-large and full of fillers. Whatever damage the system didnt do, there was always land mines at home. Early-childhood eating habits, often created by parents who didnt know how to break the processed-foods cycle, laid the foundation for a lifetime of nutritionless and emotional eating. Take my earliest memories of breakfast, for example.

When I was growing up, my mother was my beauty iconstunning, petite, long black hair that flowed down her back. She is the reason I told people I have Indian in my family, when in actuality she was born and raised in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn, by parents who landed here by way of the Great Migration. During my ugly years, I was furious with her for not giving me more of her genetics. Where was my light brown skin, high cheekbones, and small waist? Yes, I know it sounds absurd, a prepubescent girl comparing herself to her grown motherbut we were already damn near the same height, so I figured our appearance should match. Convinced I was adopted, Id stare at photo albums of my parents and imagine what their real biological kid would have looked like. Each morning at school, all the little boys would make it a point to say, Good morning, Chlos Mom! That was the only time theyd glance my way.

During the week, breakfast wasnt a big production. Id sit at the table alone. Mom placed a bowl in front of me containing the finest instant maple and brown sugar oatmeal. Steam still rising. A pat of salted butter melted over the mound. Then came a cup of cold whole milk, which I slowly poured over the top, mixing the hot and cold together. My yin and yang, if you will. It was as if I were a Michelin-star chef presenting some deconstructed meal to the rich and pretentious. The milk represents the cold reality we face when we step out into the world and the warmth of the oats is what grounds us to nature. Feast upon this and feel as if you just pissed on yourself in an air-conditioned car. And lastits embarrassing to write thisa generous drizzle of Hersheys Chocolate Syrup was added, elevating the flavors to juvenile diabetes. You dont understand. This was the only way I would eat oatmeal.