S. M. Mathur - Academic Jokes. Lighter Side of Academics

S.M. Mathur

Published by:

F-2/16, Ansari Road, Daryaganj, New Delhi-110002
011-23240026, 011-23240027 Fax: 011-23240028
Email:

Regional Office :

Hyderabad Mumbai

Follow us on:

For any assistance sms VSPUB to 56161

All books available at www.vspublishers.com

Copyright:
ISBN 978-935-05721-3-9
Edition: April 2013

The Copyright of this book, as well as all matter contained herein (including illustrations) rests with the Publishers. No person shall copy the name of the book, its title design, matter and illustrations in any form and in any language, totally or partially or in any distorted form. Anybody doing so shall face legal action and will be responsible for damages.

Humour gives relief from
Pain during any misfortune.

Abraham Lincoln said:
I laugh because I must not cry

As we all know, making jokes is no joke, when particularly, it is on a subject like Academics. I have taken over two years to create and assemble these jokes and anecdotes.

I know we have a lot of people with a sense of humour and it would be that they would laugh when they read and re-read the jokes/anecdotes for which I had to energise my grey cells to meet the requirements of the readers.

A lot of the jokes in this book have been drawn from my personal experiences as well or have been created by me. So, keep smiling and remembering me, dear readers, as you read them, for nothing is as precious in the world as a smile on a face!

T he Governor is the ex-officio Chancellor of the state universities. Many a time he is a politician with hardly any academic pretensions, but some try to show off. One such worthy Governor went for inspection to a university. As he entered the library, he saw before him a rack on which the latest arrivals were displayedamong which was a new edition of Shakespeare. I am glad, remarked His Excellency, that you have the latest works of Shakespeare. He is a great writer. I myself have enjoyed reading many of his novels. By the way, can you give me a list of his latest works?

T his anecdote was told at a function by Professor Hashim Ali, when he was the Vice-Chancellor of the Aligarh Muslim University.

Two men died and presented themselves before the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter asked the first, What were you doing when you were alive?

I was the Vice-Chancellor of an Indian university, said he.

You have already suffered the torture of hell on earth and certainly deserve a place in Paradise.

The next person was asked the same question. I was the Vice-Chancellor of an Indian university for three consecutive terms. he replied.

Put him in Hell, ordered St. Peter. Hes got into the habit.

This brought the house down.

A politically-appointed Vice-Chancellor used to give himself a lot of airs. When a new edition of Whos Who came to the library, he was sure to find his name in it but it wasnt there.

He should be in Whos He? remarked a wag in the library.

A nother Vice-Chancellor (V.C.) had the habit of saying, Yes, you are right to everyone, quite often contradicting himself. Not surprisingly, this caused utter confusion. One evening a group of students came demanding for the cancellation of a cricket match. He said: You are right, and ordered cancellation. Moments later, when the cricket captain came to know about this, he rushed to the V.C. and protested: This cannot be done as the other team has already reached here. Predictably, the V.C. said: You are right.

The wife, who was a witness to this going-on, remarked in disgust: You say, You are right, to everyone.

You are right, my dear, out came the pet reply and the wife left the place with utter disgust.

T he post of Vice-Chancellor in a Bihar University was lying vacant for a long time as no one was prepared to risk his life. They required a strong man capable of taking on the rowdy students. So, it was seriously considered to invite some famous boxer to take on the job.

T he Vice-Chancellors of several universities in North India have to face the onslaught of union and netas, particularly belonging to the ruling party in the state, and so have to think ways of protecting themselves. It is rumoured that a V.C. of a university in Bihar is contemplating to cover himself up in a suit of steel armour.

T he participants at a seminar were thoroughly tired after three days of verbal outpourings by distended, self-important academics. At the valedictory function, the convener, himself, thoroughly exhausted, invited the chief guest. I now request our revered Vice-Chancellor to give his address.

Vice-Chancellors Lodge, The University Campus, said the chief guest and sat down amidst thunderous applause.

I n the early fifties of the last century, very few Indians could be seen on English streets, and a South Indian with his turban and all was indeed a rarity. One day, Professor Murthy, visiting the Eastern Philosophy Department at Oxford, was followed by a rowdy bunch of street urchins. He tolerated them for a while, but tired of their unwelcome attention, he turned around and shouted, What do you want?

Coo, said one. It speaks too.

I t had been snowing in Quebec for hours when an announcement came on the intercom: Will the students who have parked on the college drive, please move their cars so that we may start clearing the snow. Fifteen minutes later came another announcement: Will the five hundred students who want to move the fifteen cars parked on the college drive return to their classes.