Candace V. Love - No More Narcissists!: How to Stop Choosing Self-Absorbed Men and Find the Love You Deserve

To my mentor Barbara Gerbert, PhD, who gave me

the opportunity to transform my life

In memory of my friend

Jean Walker, MD

To my parents,

Gust and Marie Melonas

If you are one of the many women who find yourself in one toxic, destructive relationship after another and cant understand why your relationships implode, the problem may be that you are picking one self-absorbed, self-serving narcissistic partner after another. Whats worse is that you dont even realize youre doing it. Well, I have good news for you. You can learn to stop repeating this destructive relationship pattern. As a clinical psychologist, I have helped many women like you break this pattern. This book is for you and the many women like you who struggle with this issue. One such woman is Linda. See if her story sounds familiar.

Sitting alone at the bar of a trendy restaurant, Linda squeezed the stem of her wine glass tightly. Her stomach had that scooped-out feeling of loss, and she could feel the weight of sadness building up in her throat. Stop. Not yet. I dont want to start crying now. She checked the time on her smartphoneagain. Nancy was always late. Nancy had been her closest friend since childhood, and Linda really needed to talk to her. Linda thought back to the time when she and Nancy had their first hot yoga class a few years earlier, and she had told Nancy about her latest boyfriend, Marc. Things seemed so hopeful then, and Linda began to daydream, remembering how happy she had felt in the beginning of her relationship with Marc. While Linda daydreamed, Nancy finally arrived. Ignoring the attempts of the hostess to seat her, Nancy headed directly for Linda at the bar.

They hugged, and as they walked from the bar to a table, Nancy said how sorry she was to hear about Lindas breakup. Once they sat down, Linda took a breath and said quietly, I cant believe it happened again. I really thought he was different. How can this be happening to me? What did I miss? Linda proceeded to unload the painful details, finally coming clean as to just how bad things had gotten between her and Marc. He had become increasingly irritable, starting fights over the littlest things. His insults were filled with contempt as he became more demanding and critical of her. She couldnt do anything right. Then, when she found out that he had gone out with a woman from his office, she felt sure he had slept with her. Linda remembered how he had followed the woman around like a puppy, flirting with her at the Christmas party. He denied it, of course, and accused Linda of being a typical jealous woman.

As she spoke, Linda fought to keep her thoughts rational but felt them sinking into the familiar whirlpool of shame. Im an idiot! Something is really wrong with me. I keep screwing up! I should have known better. This is so embarrassing. Oh, my God, Im hopeless. I should just give up trying to find someone. Im going to be alone the rest of my life.

Nancy looked at the small mound of shredded paper napkin bits that Linda had created while she talked. Linda, Nancy said, taking her hand, I didnt know it was this bad. You know what I went through a couple years ago with David. I wish you had told me. You didnt have to go through this alone. Linda looked up, her eyes misty with the tears she had been trying to hold back. I couldnt I couldnt even say it to myself. I felt so ashamed when I realized I was in yet another loser relationship. I didnt want to admit it, Linda murmured. Nancy gave her hand a squeeze.

Maybe you can relate to Linda. Maybe you, too, have been through countless relationships that start out looking and feeling so right but inevitably turn bitter with disappointment. You are not alone if you find you continue to attract and be attracted to narcissistic men. (Ill explain exactly what a narcissist is in chapter 2.) The fact is many women repeat the same self-destructive patterns in their relationships. If you are one of the unlucky ones who do, you probably feel frustrated and angry with yourself for not seeing the truth of the relationship sooner, or for not leaving sooner. You may be filled with tremendous shame that you allowed yourself to be fooled and/or mistreated. You may feel guilty that you subjected others, such as your children or a dependent parent, to him. You may feel like you wasted precious time in another dead-end relationship. Or perhaps because you were hoping to marry and start a family before your childbearing years were over or because your marriage of many years ended, you may feel you wasted the best years of your life with this man.

Repeating these patterns leaves you feeling deeply wounded and flawed. Your self-confidence is severely shaken, and your self-esteem seriously eroded. You are filled with shame that you, yet again, failed in a relationship. These types of soul-shattering relationships shake you to the core: you believe you cannot trust your judgment. Going forward, you may decide to avoid relationships altogether, though youve always hoped to share your life with someone. What is the problem?

The problem is that narcissistic partners can initially seem so appealing that it can be hard for those involved with them to break away. These men can be charming and caring in the beginning. They seem to be on top of their game and have it all: confident and with a magnetic attractiveness. They make you feel special because they chose you. You happily and easily slip into their life. You cant believe how lucky you are. Now you wont be alone the rest of your life. Youre going to have a golden relationship. But then it changes, as it always does and will.

Your Prince Charming begins critiquing every little thing you dofrom how you dress and wear your hair to how you talk, from your intellect to your friends and family; on and on the list goes. You begin to get nervous. Whats happening? Fear sets in as you realize you may lose him because you arent measuring up to his expectationsand then self-doubt: How could you have thought you could hold on to him? He is so great and you are, wellyou. And you know you are not that special. The relationship dissolves in front of you. Either he drops you out of the blue, or you end it because you have no other choice. You lick your wounds, your girlfriends and family tell you they never liked him anyway, and in time you meet another man. And it starts over again. You dont intend to, but you find yourself in another bad relationship. Unwittingly, you keep picking a man who cant give you the love you desire.

Because of the unfortunate psychology of narcissists, they are actually unable to love another person in a way that is deep, reciprocal, mutually respectful, and satisfying. Narcissistic men are self-absorbed and can never really love or appreciate you. They only love and appreciate what you do for themthe way you look, your status, or your service to them. Focused solely on fulfilling their own needs, narcissistic men are unable to perceive things from another persons perspective or to relate to a partner with kindness, respect, and sensitivity.

To keep yourself from entering into these unhealthy relationships, you have to stop focusing on other peoples wants and needs and begin focusing on you. What is it about you that causes you to be attracted to these men and to stay way too long in hurtful, destructive relationships?

Its not the man who has to change. Its