Camil Flores - Learning to Cope

Chapter 1

Frozen with Fear

I t was the late eighties I was about five years old and as kids we were sheltered from a lot of the harms that lived in the world. Molestation, rape, abduction or abuse of any kind wasnt something that was talked about in our home. It wasnt until I was a lot older did, I learn to know about these topics. So, when I was touched inappropriately for the first time, I wasnt sure what or how to feel or even what to do. Heres how it happened.

As kids we would play outside and ride bikes, play with the neighborhood kids in our front yard until the street lights came on or play in our clubhouse outback without worrying that predators existed. My dad had a friend who only spoke Spanish and he used to come over all the time and he would hang out with my parents but mostly my dad and he always rode a bicycle. This one day he came over and we were outside playing tag, and he asked my dad if he could give my brother Steven and I ride on his bike to the corner and back. My dad said that he could, and we didnt think anything about it. My brother took a turn first and I watched from the sidewalk and couldnt wait to have fun too. The moment I noticed they turned back I couldnt wait to be flying down the street and no sooner that my brother jumped off I jumped on and I sat on the middle bar and this man sat on the seat as soon as we picked up speed he suddenly reached down between my legs over my shorts and said Si or No? I didnt know a lick of Spanish but those are the two common first words most people know, and I was frozen with fear the moment his hand reached down and touched me. My heart sank to my stomach and I wasnt sure what just happened or why. We pulled up to my house and I jumped off the bike before he could make a complete stop and I ran as fast as I could inside to my parents. I barged through the front door to my parents room and with tears in my eyes I told my parents that that guy touched me down there. My moms eyes got the size of softballs and my dad bolted out the door but when he got to the front yard he was nowhere to be found. The next thing I know we were in our car driving to my dad moms house and sure enough my dad found the man and we werent parked all the way in the driveway to see what was happening. All we could hear was yelling in Spanish and the next thing I see through the corner window of the backseat was that mans hat fly off him. My dad punched him across the face. I have never seen an altercation before especially from my dad, so I didnt know what to think. My dad got into the car and we drove back home, and that day was never spoken about again. I really wish I was talked to about what happened to me so that I would feel safe or if I had questions, I could ask them. I am not sure why that day was meant to feel like it was just supposed to be forgotten about, but I never did. But that was the first but not the last time that I would be frightened by a male or have patterns of this behavior occur. As I look back on that day its almost as if I got this extra sense of creepy men sensor if you will. That was the start of being afraid as a kid, having anxiety and not wanting to be out of my moms sight.

This is just the beginning. Come along for the ride to get a better understanding of getting to know me. Its going to be a bumpy ride.

Chapter 2

Living with the Chaos

I just received my birthday package in the mail from the book club that I was enrolled in. The package read Happy Birthday from Highlights! I would receive Highlights magazines every month and loved seeing my name printed on the label. Getting the book wrapped in plastic with the words Highlights spelled out in white letters across the top always brought me joy. I would spread out all my books on my bed from the past months and spend hours finding the hidden pictures, reading the articles cover to cover, and making the fun activities.

I just turned nine, and birthdays were a big deal at home. A present was always waiting for us on our birthdays when we woke up, and it was a new outfit sitting on the couch ready to wear to school. After school we would have a birthday dinner, followed by family, cake, and gifts. My cake always consisted of a white background with huge pink roses made from frosting. I had the best memories of birthdays at home with my parents and siblings. No matter what, my mom always made sure we always had a birthday celebration. That year was my favorite birthday. I remember getting a Barbie storage trunk for my collection, a Shee-ra castle that came with her unicorn which was my absolute favorite. I was on cloud nine that night. Little did I know things would never be the same after that birthday.

There were five of us at homemy brothers, Steven and Dominick; my little brother, Robert; my older sister, Theresa; and myselfthree of which my parents had together. My oldest brother, Dominick, was from my moms previous relationship, along with my sister, Theresa. My dad and Dominick had a good relationship, and they got along. I never once heard them argue. My sister was only at home a short amount of time, and she didnt like my dad at all and was always angry around the house. They never spoke to each other. They would always stay on opposite sides of the house and steer clear from each other.

Theresa and my mom didnt have a good relationship either. There was always a lot of arguing coming from them. My sister had a boyfriend who she wanted to always be with, and my mom didnt care for him much because he was older than my sister. It seemed that Theresa was upset because she wanted her parents together, so she decided to make things miserable between her and my parents. I remember one day my mom went outside to check the mail, and I heard her call for my sister in an angry voice, Theresa ! My sister came from her bedroom, wearing this angry face and attitude, and my mom asked, What the hell is this? She was holding a letter that came in the mail from a prison addressed to my sister. Apparently, Theresa was writing to a man in prison, and my mom was so furious to know this had been going on for a while. My mom was trying to figure out why she would want to write to someone in prison or how she even knew someone who was in prison. I had seen my mom upset before, but this time was one of the worst times. My sister told my mom that it was none of her business who she was writing to and tried to grab the letter from her, but my mom swiftly jerked the letter back to keep it from her. My mom yelled for her to go to her room, and my sister stormed away and slammed the door behind her. My mom put a stop to the letters right away. That would be one of the many fights that would occur between them.

The following day, my sister left for school and didnt return home. I guess my mom finding out about my sister being a pen pal to an inmate put my sister over the edge. Theresa always threatened to run away and this time she stuck to it didnt come back. She decided to run away and move in with my grandma, who we called Nana. Who was my moms mom. They were very close, and my sister would spend time at her house especially when she would be upset with my mom. My mom wondered where she was and assumed, she was with her boyfriend. Nana called my mom to tell her Theresa was at her house and she could stay at her house for a while to let her cool down. She also decided to share news to my mom that my sister was accusing my dad of having inappropriate behavior with her and that my sister wouldnt be coming home. My mom was so upset that Theresa would accuse my dad of this, especially since my sister was rarely home and my dad and her didnt even talk. My nana believed the accusation. Nana gave her opinion as she always did, and my mom just listened to what she had to say. My moms side of the family didnt care too much for my dad so lies were easier to believe than the truth. My mom knew this was a story that my sister made up just to hurt my parents. And of course, it did hurt them. Even though my dad wasnt Theresas biological father he worked very hard to provide for all the kids at home. The accusation was a very hurtful one. So my mom told my sister if she didnt want to come home, she didnt have to. Later we found out that my sister moved in with her boyfriend. So she made up the allegation to find her way out of the house. She had wanted to live with him, so off she went. Things seemed less stressful with her being out of the house. Talk about living with the chaos.