25 Practices for Couples to Enhance Intimacy, Nurture Closeness, and Grow a Deeper Connection
Steve S.J. Scott
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Introduction
Before you read further, mentally project yourself back to the first months of dating your current spouse or partner. Take a minute to think about how thrilling and intoxicating it felt to begin this relationship.
It was an exhilarating time, right?
You were deeply infatuated, maybe already in love, and everything felt so easy and natural. When you were with your partner, you were fully present in the moment. Everything around you seemed to fade into the background, as you had eyes only for one another.
You found one another so insanely interesting and desirable that youd move heaven and earth to be together as often as possible. Your lover could do no wrong, and you were inspired to put your best foot forward, to show your shiniest self in all your blazing glory.
You may have even surprised yourself by your sudden eagerness to lose those extra ten pounds and get in shape. You finally started tidying your apartment so your lover wouldnt think you were a slob. Or you gave up smoking, started wearing nicer underwear, or developed a keen interest in your partners favorite hobbyall because you wanted to impress him or her and show how committed you were to this new connection.
Unsavory habits that were once firmly entrenched in your life miraculously loosened the vise grip on your willpower and motivation. The mere thought of your partner was enough to light a fire under you to be a better man or woman.
Any past inertia about acting on goals and projects gave way to a newfound momentum to make things happen in your lifethings that your partner would find appealing and attractive.
The Power of Love
New love is so powerful that it can inspire you to do things you never thought possibleto become a version of yourself you almost dont recognize. It is a force to be reckoned with, one that very few other interests or emotions can match.
If only this new love superpower could be bottled. If only it lasted a lifetime instead of a few months. If only we could return at will to those initial feelings of euphoria and energy that compelled us to move mountains.
Lets fast-forward now to the present day. Maybe its five, ten, twenty, or even fifty years since you first started dating. You and your partner love one another, but that initial infatuation has faded. The thrill has been replaced by distraction, routine, and maybe some inattention or apathy.
Old bad habits have crept back into your lives, and new not-so-positive habits have developed in the way you interact and communicate with each other. You find yourselves more easily pulled away from each other to focus on kids, work, hobbies, television, social media, and other distractions.
Some of the positive, loving habits you willingly embraced in the early dayslike complimenting him every day or surprising her with flowershave fallen by the wayside.
As the years have gone by, maybe youve neglected some of the personal habits you adopted to win over your partner, like staying fit or being tidy. The almost effortless ability to be your best self has waned, and you begin to take one another and the relationship for granted. Maybe the relationship has stalled, and youre not really sure why or what to do about it.
The Mindful Relationship
Most love relationships do stall or falter after the initial infatuation phase. This is the time when irritations with your partner start to show up and your own insecurities and past wounds begin to seep through the perfect faade you present to one another in early days.
Irritations can turn into misunderstandings, hurt feelings, resentments, and full-blown arguments. We often allow anger or passive-aggressive behaviors to infect our once-intimate bond. We allow ourselves to revert to laziness or inattention with our relationships.
Where we were once laser-focused on our partner and how to make him or her happy, we are now more focused on ourselves and how we can protect our turf, nurse our wounds, and blame our partners when things turn sour.
If we remain stuck in this post-infatuation phase, our relationship can languish in a state of discontent for years, until it slowly unravels, leading to two people living separate lives.
This is not the kind of relationship we imagined for ourselves when we first got together.
You might ask yourself: How did I become so disconnected? Why do we turn away from one another? Why does the person I once thought hung the moon now push every possible button on my emotional switchboard?
Couples who find themselves stuck in a cycle of hurt feelings, blame, anger, reactivityor simply boredom and apathydo have a path forward. It is possible for them to find a way back to the loving, fun, sexy, intimate relationship they once shared.
It is at this stage of disconnection that couples have the greatest opportunity for personal growth and happinessthrough the practice of relationship mindfulness.
Mindfulness simply means to pay attention, to be present, to be engaged, to be aware, to be conscious. When you apply these behaviors to your relationship, it can only grow stronger and more joyful.
As we mention in our book, 10-Minute Mindfulness, The more you practice mindfulness, the more present moments youll savor and the less unconscious you will become. More of your actions and decisions will be grounded in awareness, allowing you to be responsive rather than reactive.
