Linda D. Anderson - Silent Agreements: How to Free Your Relationships of Unspoken Expectations
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Silent Agreements: How to Free Your Relationships of Unspoken Expectations: summary, description and annotation
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If you have relationships, youve likely been part of silent agreements. Silent agreements are the implicit rules of your relationships that arise from unspoken beliefs and expectations that both parties hold. They can sound something like this: The person who makes more money should pay for the dates, My significant other should recognize when I need his/her/their help, or My boss doesnt offer me a raise, and he knows I wont ask for one. They arise from long-held beliefs you have about yourself and the world around you, starting from your earliest experiences and reinforced as you grow and mature. These agreements can hinder your relationships, remaining undiscussed because of fear, aversion to conflict, feelings of obligation, or guilt. And because they so rarely line up and neither person will address the issue, they can cause unhappiness and resentment on both sides.
Clinical psychologists Drs. Anderson, Banks, and Owens will help you define these silent expectations, supplying the tools to explore your agreements and work towards healthier communication with a partner, friend, boss, or family member. In the process, youll learn more about your own motivations and how to dismantle the the beliefs that dont serve you. With guidelines and advice on how to have productive conversations about sex, money, commitment, family, the workplace, and health, youll learn how to lift the silence and resolve those land-mine issues before they do irreparable damage to your relationships.
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The insightful authors of Silent Agreements offer clarity on how we can approach and resolve those challenging unspoken issues between ourselves and others without fear. They will help illuminate new pathways of understanding, and foster open communication in all your relationships. I recommend this very helpful book for anyone who is committed to creating happy, healthy relationships.
Katherine Woodward Thomas, New York Times bestselling author of Conscious Uncoupling
What a cogent, insightful look at how the agreements we think are presumed and assumed by the very people we most want to understand us rarely are, because of what never gets said. This wise book gives profound voice to the inner silences that can trip up all of our relationships, be they with loved ones or workplace partners. A must-read for those wanting to be truly heard.
Audrey Edwards, coauthor of Children of the Dream: The Psychology of Black Success
We live in an age of ambiguity, in which miscommunication and insincerity are epidemic. This is a time in which people are quick to judge and just as quick to condemn. Silent Agreements is a useful reminder that unexamined certainty is almost always a mistake. But it is first and foremost a book about clarity and how to obtain it. In this age when we are desperately attempting to clarify rules governing consent, where many remain confused over whether yes means yes or no means no, Silent Agreements is hugely illuminating. It is a timely and valued contribution to our mutual understanding not only of each other but of our collective selves. For navigating the often-unspoken assumptions that govern relationships between family members, friends, lovers, spouses, and coworkers, it is the perfect guide.
Ellis Cose, author of The Rage of a Privileged Class and The End of Anger
Silent agreements: what a provocative idea! The authors clearly describe the kinds of silent agreements that can be problematic at home, work, and play, and provide helpful and easy-to-implement advice about how to identify and overcome these powerful expectations that may otherwise derail our relationships.
Matt Bloom, associate professor at the University of Notre Dame
Copyright 2019 by Sessions Innovations in Psychology LLC
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Rodale Books, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York.
crownpublishing.com
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RODALE and the Plant colophon are registered trademarks of Penguin Random House LLC.
SILENT AGREEMENTS is a registered trademark of Sessions Innovations in Psychology LLC.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Anderson, Linda D., author. | Banks, Sonia R., author. | Owens, Michele L., author.
Title: Silent agreements / Linda Anderson, Ph.D., Sonia Banks, Ph.D., Michele Owens, Ph.D.
Description: First edition. | New York : Rodale Books, [2019]
Identifiers: LCCN 2018046999 | ISBN 9781635653465 (pbk. : alk. paper) | ISBN 9781984822918 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Expectation (Psychology) | Interpersonal relationsPsychological aspects. | Interpersonal conflict.
Classification: LCC BF323.E8 A54 2019 | DDC 158.1dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018046999
ISBN9781635653465
Ebook ISBN9781984822918
Cover design by Sarah Horgan
v5.4
ep
This book is dedicated to our parents, extended family of relatives, close friends, colleagues, and clients for supporting, challenging, and believing in us all along the way. They learned to love silent agreements as much as we do.
To Calvin Reid, Jr., our chief inspirer, for believing in us and providing unwavering support from the very beginning of our journey
M ICHELE
Bill and Marcus, who bring the sunshine, and with whom my silent agreement is simply to love
L INDA
Saleem, my spiritual and life partner, as well as Jordan and Naren, my beloved home team with whom I share great pride and joy
S ONIA
Olivia and John, who teach and model the power of opening silent agreements every day
Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.
Kahlil Gibran
INTRODUCTION
What Silent Agreements Are and How They Affect Our Relationships
CHAPTER 1
Where Do Silent Agreements Come From?
CHAPTER 2
The Four Elements of Change
CHAPTER 3
Silent Agreements About Sex
CHAPTER 4
Silent Agreements About Money
CHAPTER 5
Silent Agreements About Commitment
CHAPTER 6
Silent Agreements About Family
CHAPTER 7
Silent Agreements in the Workplace
CHAPTER 8
Silent Agreements About Health
CHAPTER 9
Your Silent Agreements Tool Kit
Romantic relationships often begin like the opening scene of a romantic comedy. Two people meet, and oh my God! We like the same music! We both want to try hang gliding? Wait, youre allergic to cats, too? Its about attraction, connection, and yes, hormones. In the beginning, everybody is as attractive and charming as a movie star. Then reality creeps in and the warm, delicious glow begins to fade. Turns out hes really not into holding doors open for you and doesnt like live music. And surprise! She hates tennis and doesnt agree with everything you say. So now what?
Or how about when you start a new job? You begin with the highest expectations. Youre going to work hard and introduce fantastic ideas to the company. Youre going to go above and beyond. And in no time, theyll charge into your office with offers of a big raise, right? Then you realize that your boss has a temper, and you spend much of your time trying to placate him. He also promotes his favorite people while overlooking the best employees. You do your best to be a team player, but what you really want are greater challenges, a bigger office, and more money. You wonder, How did I get into this spot, and how do I get out of it? In both of these scenarios, silent agreements are at play.
Silent agreements are the unspoken rules of your relationships. They grow from the assumptions, expectations, and beliefs that you dont talk about but still hold others accountable for. They appear in every kind of relationship, and as you read on, youll probably discover that youre participating in several silent agreements. Some may have been in place for a very long time. Your earliest relationships have great influence on many of your behaviors, decisions, and both conscious and unconscious motives, so in these pages youre going to learn about how your childhood experiences have also influenced your part in silent agreements.
Silent agreements sound something like this: His mother is allowed to criticize my cooking, but Im not supposed to respond. The boss doesnt offer me a raise, and he knows I wont ask for one. My daughter is getting good grades, so I stay out of her schoolwork. Such agreements can continue indefinitely, often without discussion, because of fear, guilt, feelings of obligation, or aversion to conflict. Sometimes they continue because theyre healthy and they work, but more often than not, they hinder rather than help your relationships.
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