Deborah Hutchison - Put It in Writing!: Creating Agreements Between Family and Friends

Put It in Writing!

Creating Agreements Between Family and Friends

Deborah Hutchison and
Lynn Toler, Judge of Divorce Court

New York / London
www.sterlingpublishing.com

STERLING and the distinctive Sterling logo are registered trademarks of Sterling
Publishing Co., Inc.

L IBRARY OF C ONGRESS C ATALOGING-IN -P UBLICATION DATA

Hutchison, Deborah.

Put it in writing! : creating agreements between family and friends / by Deborah
Hutchison and Lynn Toler.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-1-4027-5870-6 (pb-trade pbk. : alk. paper) 1. ContractsUnited States
Popular works. 2. Parent and child (Law)United StatesPopular works. 3.
Domestic relationsUnited StatesPopular works. 4. Interpersonal relations
United StatesPopular works. I. Toler, Lynn. II. Title.

KF801.Z9H88 2009

346.7302dc22

2009005588

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Published by Sterling Publishing Co., Inc.

387 Park Avenue South, New York, NY 10016

Text 2009 by Deborah Hutchison and Lynn Toler

Agreements Panther Productions, Inc.

Sane Approach to an Emotional Issue Panther Productions, Inc.

Distributed in Canada by Sterling Publishing

c/o Canadian Manda Group, 165 Dufferin Street

Toronto, Ontario, Canada M6K 3H6

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Distributed in Australia by Capricorn Link (Australia) Pty. Ltd.

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Book design by Richard Oriolo

Manufactured in the United States of America
All rights reserved

Sterling ISBN 978-1-4027-5870-6

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by Deborah Hutchison

Creating this book has been an incredible journey, and without the support and encouragement of many people it could never have happened. I thank Angela Rinaldi, my wonderful agent, for the book deal with Sterling Publishing.

I owe tremendous gratitude to mediator Deanie Kramer, who introduced me to Judge Lynn Toler of Divorce Court, the coauthor of this book. Lynn Toler is one absolutely amazing woman. From the moment we were introduced, I felt the camaraderie. It was a pleasure to work alongside such a professional, one who is also so giving, so honest, and a person who could laugh when we needed to. Lynn, you are a wonderful collaborator and an ideal coauthor!

This book could not have been completed without the much-appreciated help of Patricia Medved, who was always there with a word, a sentence, and a paragraph. Accumulating research material and organizing and working on the agreements was a big undertaking. Therese Cummings, Caitlin Berry, Shannon Brown, Meg Richard, and Brittany VottoIm thankful for your help, time, and participation.

Meredith Hale from Sterling Publishing, you became our editor after we started with Jo Fagan (thanks for the start, Jo), and its been a pleasure to work with you.

Lois Phillips, your suggestion to put the agreements in a book started this entire process, and its been an amazing ride. Dawn Willson, you helped jump-start this book, and here it is. Helen Arnold, a very special thanks for your help as an advisor and, most important, as a good friend. You always bring clarity to any situation. Jane Heller, nothing like a pro to help a newbie in the book worldnot only did I appreciate your words of wisdom, but I could not wait to read your books when I needed an escape.

Judy Swope, we created the agreement for your family of kids when they were moving back home from college. Today not only are kids moving home, parents are moving into their childrens homes.

A big thanks goes out to my circle of friends who have always been there for me.

Many thanks to all the people who kindly shared their stories for this book.

To my family and friends, with whom I use the agreements (sister Liz, brother Bill, friend Dawn, interns Brittany, Meg, and Carina, Shannon, Patricia, and my coauthor Lynn), by signing we have created clarity and documentation.

Last, but most important, I have immense love and gratitude for Hall, my wonderfully supportive husband, who has never wavered in his belief in my dreams and who has never counted the hours that he himself has put into them.

D. H.

I would like to thank my husband, Eric. Hes always on board for whatever I do and he holds me up. I, too, would like to thank Deanie Kramer for introducing me to Deborah. What a pleasure it has been. I would also like to thank Deserie Davenport, who helps me keep my professional and domestic lives stitched together. She says things like Ive got you covered and Girl, I know how you feel.

L. T.

This book does not constitute legal advice. We believe that writing things down and using these written agreements can be a helpful process. The agreements were designed to be simple and clear. We did not intend them to be as comprehensive as a formal contract would be. These are meant to be used between family members and friends who have a vested interest in preserving their relationships.

The agreements are tools for better, more reliable, and productive communication between two or more people. Still, misunderstandings can crop up. You may decide that you need an attorney to help sort matters out or to pursue a situation beyond the scope of the agreement.

These agreements are not a substitute for legal advice. If you are interested in drafting a contract to protect your legal interests, you should consult an attorney. A lawyer will be experienced, and will understand the laws of your state and how they may apply to your specific situation.

Keep in mind that anything in writing could serve as proof of an agreement in court, but we are not making any representations about their legal use here. By using these agreements, you agree that the authors, publisher, and seller shall not be liable for any damages of any kind, including special, incidental, or consequential damages.

by Deborah Hutchison

The first time I truly realized the value of putting something in writing was after my divorce. The court had ordered my ex to pay me back for supporting him during medical school, but he didnt pay. I was frustrated and angry. I could have pursued this through expensive legal channels, but my lawyer needed proof that I was trying to collect. My ex didnt return my phone calls and never answered my letters, so I wanted a quicker, cleaner solution. I decided to send him an actual bill in the mail each month. This worked! Having documentation in hand was enough to keep him on track with his payments. I was so encouraged by my success, I created a billing systemBill Your Exso that women and men everywhere could use the same technique.

When empty-nester friends of mine had three adult children moving back home at the same time, I suggested that they write up an agreement so that there would be no misunderstandings. Together we drafted the Temporary Residence Agreement. One child was happy to have clear parameters, one was indifferent, and the third was reluctant to sign. Yet they all signed eventually, and helped to make what could have been a volatile living situation into a smooth transition time for themselves and their parents. As a true testament to the value of the Temporary Residence Agreement, all three children are now out on their own and doing quite well. Thus was born the A Sane Approach to an Emotional Issue concept.