Demetri Martin - This Is a Book

NEW YORK BOSTON

For you.

Thank You,
Rachael
Daniel
Ben
(a lot)

The Beginning.

Much more that way

If youre reading this sentence then youve pretty much got it. Good job. Just keep going the way you are.

(Please ignore this part)

Thank you for coming to the show. Before tonights performance begins there are a few announcements. Please pay attention.

Flash photography is not permitted at any time during the show. Also, there is no recording of any kind allowed during the show. This includes both audio and video recording, as well as sketching, journaling, documenting, making mental notes reminiscing, reviewing, or remembering anything at all with your mind. Any recording devices that we find will be taken away from you and juggled recklessly by the clown you see standing near the left exit.

Please do not mentally undress the performer. Also, do not mentally put silly outfits on the performer or mentally touch any part of the performers clothes. Please mentally avoid the performers outfit altogether.

You are not permitted to lip-sync any portion of the show. If you do and we catch you, one or both of your lips may be removed from the building.

In the event of a fire, please use the fire exitsbut not the one on the right wall. That one is just a supply closet with a sign that says fire exit over it. Do not open that door. There are explosives behind it.

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we will give you something to panic and wave your arms around and scream about.

It is illegal to yell fire in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like Flames! or Smoke maker! or Bad hot!

Please refrain from smoking during the show. Anyone who is caught smoking will be shot with our meat gun.

Fighting will not be tolerated in the theater at any time. If you have a problem with someone, please see one of our blow dart vendors.

If you talk during the show you will be asked to leave and may be forced to talk for up to 72 hours straight in our chatter chamber.

If someone is making too much noise, do not say Shhhh, unless you want to get squirted with the hose.

Please keep the number of Whoos! to two or fewer per person. If you exceed this number (which our whoo counters will be watching for) you will receive an electric shock of memorable force.

Do not heckle the performer. Heckling is strictly prohibited. Making a noise that sounds like Psstuhh while judgmentally shaking your head is also not permitted. If the performer dives off the stage and you move out of the way, then you will be dived right out of the building. Also, crowd surfing is prohibited unless you have a body that most people in the crowd would want to fondle.

We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

Please turn off all cell phones and pagers. And if you have a pager please return it to the 90s.

Goatees are not allowed in the theater under any circumstances. If you have a goatee, then you need to see one of our speed barbers immediately. If you have a goatee and a ponytail, then you should just leave now.

While it is not legally prohibited, we ask that you do not call anyone dawg during the show. Also, please note that anyone named L Train will be rolled down the stairs.

If, at any time, a security person asks you to leave, please do not resist. However, if it is Earl, please resist.

Please do not sit on your boyfriends shoulders during the show (women with perky breasts can ignore this rule).

A man in a trench coat may offer you a glow stick at some point during tonights performance. Do not accept the glow stick unless youre prepared to accept it right up your nose.

If you are choking, please stop it, because it is prohibited.

There is a significant risk that you will be hit with a tambourine at some point during tonights show. Also, the person seated in row G, seat 28 will be catapulted later into the small hammock that is hanging between the rafters.

By entering this venue you consent to being filmed, recorded, taped, taped-up, watched, studied, and smelled. You also consent to having your image duplicated, stretched, plastered, mocked, mimicked, misrepresented, and printed on any promotional materials, including but not limited to T-shirts, panties, silly aprons, propaganda posters, pasties, jockstraps, and commemorative yarmulkes.

If you happen to be standing near the confetti cannon, do not be alarmed if you lose your ability to see and/or hear for up to six months.

Not responsible for lost or stolen limbs.

Finally, please do not fall asleep during the show. If you yawn, a marble or small pellet may be carefully tossed into your mouth.

Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. If you dont, then be prepared to suffer the consequences. On with the show!

O PERATOR: Hello. Awkward & Lonely in Public Hotline, Debbie speaking.

D AVE: Hey there.

O PERATOR: Checking your phone number now and bringing up your file for confirmation. Here it is. Lets see Okay Dave. Dave, it looks like Hey there is your activation greeting. Dave, are you in a public place or at a social gathering and feeling awkward or lonely right now?

D AVE: Yeah.

O PERATOR: All right, if youre at a party say, Totally. If youre just out alone somewhere in public say, Totally, bro.

D AVE: Totally.

O PERATOR: Okay, Dave, Im going to talk you through this party. Just follow my instructions. If youre ready, just say All right, but let it ring out like youre responding to a buddy who just gave you some really good news.

D AVE: All riiiight.

O PERATOR: Great. Now just nod and smile for 6, 5, 4, 3, 2 and go ahead and say, She called me twice today.

DAVE: Dude, she called me twice today!

O PERATOR: Great. Nice touch with the Dude. Now go ahead and laugh a little bit for me.

D AVE: Ha ha ha!

O PERATOR: Careful, Dave, that sounded a little forced. Lets see if we can get you to laugh more genuinely. I just need a moment to find some material here. Let me buy us some time while I look for it. Take a look at your watch, Dave, and give me an incredulous No way.

D AVE: No way!

O PERATOR: Great. Now, if you havent been moving around, try to pace a bit or maybe do a light kicking thing with your foot.

D AVE:

O PERATOR: Okay, Ive got that material I was looking for. Now lets get that genuine laugh from you. Remember, Dave, we want people to see you having a good time. All right, here goes: Dave, what is an STD that mountain guides commonly get?

D AVE:

O PERATOR: Sherpes.

D AVE: Ha ha ha!

O PERATOR: There we go.

D AVE: Ha ha ha ha

O PERATOR: Okay, Dave, youre laughing a little too much now. Try to calm down or else youre going to look even more awkward than when we started.

D AVE: Ha ha ha

O PERATOR: Dave.

D AVE: Ha ha hee hee

O PERATOR: Okay, now youre going from awkward to unstable. Oh boy. I see in your file that you tend to laugh as a nervous response. Let me see if I can bring you down. Uh All right. Here we go: I want you to think about how you couldnt satisfy Nadia when you two were together and then how that led her to sleep with Tim.

D AVE:

O PERATOR: Sorry I had to do that, Dave. Are you okay?