Shirley Glass - Not just friends: rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

M Y GRATITUDE and appreciation are truly heartfelt. So many people have participated in making my vision of this book become a reality. Some knowingly helped me with the actual book, and others helped me throughout the years through shared experiences. This book wouldnt have been possible without the stories I have heard for twenty years by wounded couples struggling to recover from the trauma of infidelity. I have been touched deeply by their pain, inspired by their resilience, and enlightened by them about the multiple meanings of infidelity.

Dr. Tom Wright has been my mentor, dissertation advisor, research colleague, cotherapist, and valued friend. His encouragement when I first came up with the idea of doing research on infidelity at Catholic University in 1975 gave me the courage to embark on what turned out to be a lifelong journey. Our collaboration in research and clinical practice has been the source of the trauma model that is presented in NOT Just Friends.

Diane Sollees zealousness about preventing relationship problems before they start through marriage education programs has stimulated the special dimension in this book devoted to the slippery slope. Dianes enthusiasm for my work has found me a larger audience through her Smart Marriages conferences and web site than I could have imagined. Her friendship and nurturing spirit have become mainstays in my life.

My professional writer, Jean Staeheli, has been an authors dream. Her gentle spirit, sensitivity, intellect, and absorption of my voluminous work output has had a profound effect on the book. Our collaboration has been flexible, exhausting, and exuberating. Despite overwhelming personal challenges during the past year, Jeans courage and dedication made it possible for us to continue our collaborative effort. Jean and I had the good fortune to be bolstered by the unflagging support and editorial expertise of her husband, Michael.

I have been blessed with a superlative editor. Leslie Merediths detailed editorial advice has greatly enhanced the manuscript. Her painstaking scrutiny and astute comments about structure, clarity, and flow have helped me present my message as simply and clearly as possible.

Rona Subotnik, coauthor of Surviving Infidelity and Infidelity on the Internet read the entire manuscript. Her penetrating insight and humorous comments were provocative and delightful. Dr. Eileen Mager has been cheering me from the sidelines as I have plodded down the arduous trail of first-time author, and she has also offered some sound editing suggestions.

My family has not only been supportive, they have been there to guide me through the publishing maze. My husband, Barry, has given me what I most neededa guilt-free environment in which I could neglect him for two years while I was sequestered with my computer and long-distance calls to Jean. His perceptive observations during the marketing phase have been very helpful and were accepted by my editor. My daughters, Karen Glass Barry and Randi Glass Murray, have been a wonderful source of professional advice on dealing with agents, editors, and publicists. My son, Ira Glass, has been instructing me and his dedicated audience for years about narrative arcs. His positive feedback in the early stages gave me the impetus to continue my journey. My dearest friend, Sandy, has been beside me for fifty years through all of my triumphs and travails.

Nina Graybill, my literary attorney, has provided me not only with sound legal advice, but also with encouragement and a shoulder to cry on during many frustrating setbacks. She has become a cherished personal friend.

I have had wonderful support staff. Dorothy Robinson at Free Press has steered me through the editorial process with a positive attitude despite stressful deadlines and capricious computer programs. My own office administrators, Dolores Meadows and Michelle Murray, read early versions of the manuscript and made sound suggestions. Michelles specialty turned out to be spotting unintentional double entendres. JoAnna Reynolds and Jennifer Thomas, my research assistants, patiently and tediously entered all of the data for more than 300 couples and crunched out lots and lots of numbers. JoAnna did all of the graphs and managed to teach me to use Excel and SPSS.

No matter how promising a book is, it has to be sold. Kris Puopolos excitement over the proposal gave this book wings. My agent, Suzanne Gluck, believed strongly in the potential of this book and was steadfast in her efforts. Kris Dahl followed up to protect my interests once the manuscript was in process.

Additional thanks: To the individuals who agreed to participate in my dissertation research. To Dr. Bob Athanasiou, who gave me his Psychology Today Sex Questionnaire data, and to Dr. Frank Furstenberg and Dr. William Bowers, who sent me the original questionnaires used for Morton Hunts research on The Affair in 1975, when very few people had any data. To the 475 therapists who attended my workshops and willingly completed surveys on attitudes about infidelity. To the workshop attendees and writers of magazine articles and newspaper columns who have expanded my thinking about the complexities of infidelity with their probing questions.

INTRODUCTION

G OOD PEOPLE in good marriages are having affairs. More times than I can count, I have sat in my office and felt torn apart by the grief, rage, and remorse of the people I counsel as they try to cope with the repercussions of their infidelity or their partners betrayal. In two-thirds of the couples Ive treated in my clinical practice over the past twenty years, either the husband, the wife, or both were unfaithful. Broken promises and shattered expectations have become part of our cultural landscape, and more people who need help in dealing with them appear in my office every day.

Surprisingly, the infidelity that Im seeing these days is of a new sort. Its not between people who are intentionally seeking thrills, as is commonly believed. The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that theyve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love. Eighty-two percent of the 210 unfaithful partners Ive treated have had an affair with someone who was, at first, just a friend. Well-intentioned people who had not planned to stray are betraying not only their partners but also their own beliefs and moral values, provoking inner crises as well as marital ones.