Gerin Carolyn - Anti-Bride Guide: Tying the Knot Outside of the Box

G rowing up in suburbia in the 1970s, my sisters and I were enthralled by one particular board game. While Gloria Steinem, Billie Jean King, and Betty Friedan were doing their best to get women out of the kitchen and into the streets, we couldnt wait to plunk down on the three-tone shag carpet and lift the lid of a big pink box embossed with The Bride Game in frilly white script. Unlike Risk or Monopoly, there wasnt much substance to The Bride Game. Competition, and even winning, werent the point. Instead, it was a romantic consumerist fantasy: build a bridal identity based on stuff. You rolled a pair of dice to become one of four bridesspring, summer, autumn, winterwith accompanying grooms and bridesmaids. Then, the only goal was to accumulate the required pile of gearcake, ring, bouquet, something borrowed, something blueas you moved down the hot-pink steps toward the altar.

Of course, its almost impossible to imagine any toy company blithely selling such a game today. Or is it? From honeymoon cruises to plastic cake toppers, Americans shell out roughly $45 billion a year for weddings. With an average of 2.5 million couples tying the knot in a given year, thats about $15,000 per wedding. Of course, some weddings are as simple as a backyard potluck; others (the kind involving orchids flown in from Thailand and taking place on private islands) can stretch to six figures. Stuffed with advertisements, the average bridal magazine makes even the big, juicy September issue of Vogue look puny by comparison. For most first-time brides, the real problem with planning a wedding is getting deluged with too many shoulds.

Weve watched a lot of otherwise smart, sassy brides-to-be drive themselves crazy trying to make everyone happy. The first accessory we recommend for any anti-bride is a pair of earplugsnot real ones, but rather some big, fluffy, imaginary earmuffs that float snugly around your head every time your future mother-in-law, your coworker, or your florist starts telling you what you must, should, or ought to do at your wedding. Because you know what? Its all up to you and your partner. Yes, there are tons of traditions, some cultural, some religious, and some just traditional. But regardless of what your mom (or Emily Post) implies, your marriage will not disintegrate if you dont send every guest home with a little box of color-coordinated Jordan almonds inscribed with your names in fancy script. While we were putting together this book, we asked dozens of couples how they got hitched. The last question we asked every bride was, What was the coolest part of your wedding? Not one mentioned the miniature quiches or the great deal she got on her Vera Wang gown. Instead, they told us about the enormous numbers of friends who came from far and wide and the toasts given by our friends that went on longer and were much more heartfelt than expected. One bride shared the moment of hearing my husband-to-be say I do, and looking into his beautiful, dark eyes and seeing the truth: love, eternity, and devotion. For another bride, after the ceremony, the cake, and the final departure of the last guest, it was all about finally being alone with my fellaand going on a Fritos binge!

After all, if all you cared about was having the most perfect wedding cake in the universe, youd be reading Martha Stewart Weddings instead, right?

Thats not to say you should give up being a princess. At what other time do you get to plan, stage-manage, and then (wearing a really fabulous outfit) star in your very own show? After all, we love pedicures, presents, and Champagne as much as the next girl (if not more). And unless youre Miss America or Madonna, youll probably never have so many people dedicated to making you beautiful as you will for this one day.

Thats where the concept of the anti-bride comes in. When we first started working on this book, some of our friends didnt get it right away. What was with the title? How could we be writing a wedding guide without a bride in it? Did we think everyone should just get hitched at City Hall on their lunch hour, with no veil, no cake, no bouquet? This led to a lot of Merlotfueled musings on just what being a bride was all about. Could a girl be a hip, independent woman, able to fix her own carburetor and hook up her own hard drive, but still harbor a deep craving for matching china and fancy matchbooks?

Well, of course! An anti-bride is a bride whos getting married her own way. In fact, wed met a lot of anti-brides before we even began this book. As bridesmaids, sisters, roommates, and friends, wed spent hours hanging out with a lot of really awesome about-to-be or recently married women who were thrilled to be hooking up with their sweetheartsbut more than a little weirded out by the weight of the myriad monogrammed-and-engraved traditions they were suddenly expected to take on. While we all shared the same image of the bride as a blushing young woman floating down the aisle frosted head-to-toe in white satin and lace, the reality couldnt have been more different. Youre not living the same kind of life your mother or grandmother had. Why should you get married the same way? None of the brides we knew wanted anyonemuch less the wedding industryto dictate what kind of bride she should be. At the same time, we still crave ceremony, ritual, and, yes, a fabulous dress to mark this momentous occasion. The anti-bride is proud to be getting married, but she isnt just anyonesor any magazinesbride. She is her own bride, making it up as she goes along, creating her own traditions, and picking and choosing whats right for her and for her partner, without losing her identity along the way. And, like so many of us, she doesnt like being told what to do, especially if it involves wearing ugly white shoes.

Maybe, as an anti-bride yourself, youll wear white and arrive at your wedding in a horsedrawn carriage. Maybe youll buzz in on the back of your fiancs (or your own) Harley. Maybe youll walk down the aisle by yourself. Maybe youll be holding a bouquet, or carrying a baby, or just hanging on tightly to your fiancs hand. Maybe youll be making your lifetime commitment to another woman. Just by virtue of getting married, youll be a bride. And that means any outfit you wear that day counts as a wedding dress, and any party you hold is a wedding reception. To us, an anti-bride is a cool chick who gets to have (and eat) her cake, work her style to the max, and dance the night away. After all, whats the point of having a wedding if you dont get to dance?

Naturally, its one thing to make grand pronouncements of freedom and independence when the big day is still eight months off. Its quite another to be standing there shivering in your underwear as two determined saleswomen tug a huge cupcake of tulle down over your hips. The Anti-Bride Guide is set up to steer you as painlessly as possible through the process of creating your weddingand to be a little voice of sanity that will get you through even the most trying days lurking ahead. First, grab a pencil and skim through Chapter 1, Getting Started. Here, youll find a handy questionnaire that will help you figure out just what kind of event you want. Somewhere between the wedding youve dreamed about and the wedding you can afford, youll find the perfect fit for you and your partner. Formal or casual? On the beach or inside a gallery? With all the pals on your e-mail list, or just your closest friends and family? Once youve got the basic style and size settled, move on to Chapter 2, Places and Spaces. Who says a wedding has to take place in a designated wedding space? We dont see any reason to settle for polyester tablecloths in a generic hotel ballroom when for the same price (or a lot less!) you could hold your wedding in one of many beautiful and offbeat locations. Weve dug up dozens of location ideas for memorable ceremonies and receptions, from ski lodges to barns. Pick your place, and then its on to Chapter 3, Ambiance, for invitations (not necessarily on engraved cream-colored stationery), fabulous centerpieces, bountiful buffets, and music that will have your guests dancing til the sun comes up.