Peter Scott - Well Groomed: A Wedding Planner for Whats-His-Name (and His Bride)

for my wife, Emily

(obviously)

Planning a wedding reminded me a lot of the first time I ever went skiing. Beforehand, I was excited, a bit nervous, and knew that I needed to buy some expensive, new clothes. Later, after everything was over and done with, I was exhausted, oddly hungry for a cheeseburger, and in desperate need of a trip to Hawaii. The real surprise for me, though, came in between the beginning and the end of both events. On those occasions, there were many moments where I found myself totally confused and saying, "My God! I had no idea it would be this complicated!"

I don't mean to suggest for a second that being engaged isn't completely wonderful. It is. In fact, here's a secret that surprises a lot of women: Men really enjoy being engaged. Why? First and foremost, we're in love. And if the cost of being in love is forty-two trips to the florist over the next six months, so be it. It's a small price to pay.

The second reason men enjoy being engaged is that in accepting our engagement ring, the woman we love has agreed to let us look at her boobs for the next seventy-five years. This makes us feel very secure and happy. I've heard some women express concern that their husbands may not be as attracted to them as they grow older. Nonsense. A man's desire to look at his wife's boobs will never be satiated.

But even with the excitement of being in love (and the boob-viewing potential that came with it), there were many moments in the engagement process for which I felt totally unprepared. I kept wishing there were a tribal elder in my village who could sit me down and tell me, "Kid, just so you know, here's what your engagement is going to be like." But since I live in the village of Los Angeles, the tribal elders are also marrying women in their late twenties, so they're learning right along with me.

Something needed to be done.

What This Book Is Not

I went to the bookstore and quickly discovered that books for the bride outnumber books for the groom by a ratio of about 86,952 to 1. Moreover, the wedding books for men were all step-by-step manuals on how to be a good groom. And I think how-to books are rather silly. A doctor doesn't need a how-to book in order to remove someone's tonsils. If he does, you should think of him less as a doctor and more as a dude with a knife.

More to the point, every engagement is different and carries with it a unique set of responsibilities for each groom.

Okay. That's a lie. The truth is you don't need a whole book to explain how to be a good groom, because for 97 percent of us it can be summed up in two easy steps:

Golden Groom Rules

1. Have an opinion on everything.

2. Immediately concede that opinion when it's made clear that it's wrong (usually 2.6 nanoseconds after it's been expressed).

Consider the following example:

BRIDE: Babe, what font do you think we should use on our save-the-date cards: Times New Roman or Palatino?

GROOM: Palatino.

BRIDE: I prefer Times New Roman.

GROOM: Me too!

[Bride kisses groom.]

BRIDE: My mom thinks we should use Helvetica.

GROOM: Darling, I love your mother, and while we don't want to hurt her feelings, if there is a difference of opinion, I think you should always get what you want.

[Bride makes love to groom.]

How to Use This Book

Now that you know how to be a good groom (wasn't that easy?), the goal of this book is to help you be a knowledgeable groom. Why is this important? Because you will care a surprising amount about your wedding details. Not every guy will care the same amount, mind you, but every guy will care more than he personally expected. Planning to have no involvement? Wait until it's time to select the booze. Planning to be involved just a little bit? Trust me, after meeting with seven photographers, eleven bands, and twenty-nine caterers, you'll feel very involved. Planning to be the groom of the year? Then be prepared to wake up in a cold sweat at night and yell, "Did we block off enough hotel rooms?!"

Your wedding is a big event and you won't want to watch from the sidelines. Think of the engagement process as a long road trip that you and your bride are taking together. In the history of road trips, no guy has ever said, "Honey, you drive the car, and I'll just sit here quietly and look out the window without any interest in how fast you're going or which route we're taking."

At each stage of my own engagement, I found myself asking a series of questions that I never dreamed I'd be pondering. Each chapter of this book will answer one of these questions, beginning with those you'll ask moments after getting engaged and ending with the ones that will still be dancing around in your head as you say, "I do."

In the end, I hope that having the answers to these questions means your engagement will be free of the stress and confusion that typically surround wedding planning. Or, at the very least, you can laugh at the stress and confusion when they do occur, because laughter is the best medicine... unless you have dry skin, in which case I'd probably recommend moisturizer and some vitamin E instead of laughter.

Knock Her Socks Off

At the end of each chapter I've included this little section to help you, the groom, show off all the knowledge you've just gained. Consider it an insider's tipa relevant word to add to your vocabulary, a cost-saving technique, a handy Web sitewith which to impress your lady. Chances are she's already well aware of whatever you're telling her. Moreover, you'll probably find yourself accidentally using the new vocabulary incorrectly (like how I always say coffee table when I mean side table, which, in some circles, is an error more heinous than manslaughter). Nonetheless, you'll be richly rewarded for your effort.

And if you're worried that these wedding tips don't feel macho enough, you should know ahead of time that when you're engaged, your competitive juices will suddenly change from "Dude, how much can you bench-press?" to "You don't know the first thing about videographers, do you, punk?"

For the Bride