Michael Essany - Groomology: What Every (Smart) Groom Needs to Know Before the Wedding

MICHAEL ESSANY

WHAT EVERY (SMART) GROOM NEEDS TO KNOW BEFORE THE WEDDING

Getting Invoved, Helping Her Plan,

Respecting Tradition, Keeping Eveyone Happy,

Handling the Big (and Small) Stuff,

and Everything that Really Matters Before You Walk Down the Aisk

Copyright 2009 by Michael Essany

Cover and internal design 2009 by Sourcebooks, Inc.

Cover design by Dan Pitts, e210 Design

Cover photo iStockphoto.com/Geckly, iStockphoto.com/nojustice

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From a Declaration of Principles Jointly Adopted by a Committee of the American BarAssociation and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

Published by Sourcebooks Casablanca, an imprint of Sourcebooks, Inc.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Essany, Michael.

Groomology / Michael Essany.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

1. Weddings--Planning. 2. Wedding etiquette. 3. Bridegrooms. I. Title.

HQ745.E77 2009

395.22--dc22

2008041427

Printed and bound in the United States of America.

VP 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

CONTENTS

For Christa

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

There is never a shortage of talented and inspiring people behind the genesis and execution of a worthwhile project. I owe this book in its entirety to a stable of truly outstanding and unfailingly supportive individuals.

The first, of course, is my beautiful wife Christa, whose love was the inspiration for my desire to become a better-than- average groom.

The concept for Groomology, a lighthearted study of the art of becoming an expert groom, arose from my own personal adventures. And if not for the foresight and commitment of Deb Werksman at Sourcebooks, this comprehensive lesson plan would have existed only for my benefit. Equally deserving of my appreciation and gratitude are Shana Drehs and Sara Kase, for their tireless efforts and invaluable input.

To my best friend since childhood, Mike Randazzo, who married his beautiful bride just one week before I married mine, thank you for being the perfect example of the kind of groom every bride deserves. Without your humor, support, and unfailing kindness, my existence today would have less substance than the plot of a David Hasselhoff movie.

Without the friendship, eternal support, and photographic talents of my good friend Ryan Musch of FH Photographic (www.fhphotographic.com) in Rensselaer, Indiana, my journey into the world of wedding planning would never have begun on such a positive note. Ryan and his beautiful family are an inspiration and a blessing to us all.

I certainly couldnt forget to thank my great friend Ian Ross Hughes, one of the most talented writers and funniest guys I have ever known. Your ideas, input, and humor have always been appreciated and serve only to improve everything about my own work. Thank you for letting a little bit of your greatness rub off on me.

Last but not least, I would like to thank and express my solidarity with a generation of grooms eager to tap into their groomologic potential and take an active role in helping plan their weddings, reducing the almost intolerable stress bearing down on their brides.

It is my fondest hope that this book will help you enjoy the journey, repel anxiety, and truly celebrate the relationship that led to this emotional roller coaster in the first place.

INTRODUCTION

I knew from across the room he was in serious trouble.

Fumbling with his coat and rummaging through his pockets, the cold glare from his fiance told the whole story even before she spoke a word.

How could you lose it? she asked, with a whisper as loud as a shout.

Relax, the groom reassured his bride while failing to conceal his own anxiety.

It isnt enough that I have to do everything on that list, she said. I guess I have to carry it now too.

Its in the car, he quickly retorted, trying to convince himself as much as his bride.

Without further comment, the bride-to-be snatched the keys and headed for the parking lot. Naturally, those of us riveted by the unfolding drama had, for this mans sake, begun praying his brooding bride would find the elusive item in their vehicle.

Alas, however, their list was gone. And moments later, so was the bride. Upon realizing that her groom indeed had misplaced their sacred to-do list, she promptly bolted the premises and left her groom stranded at the local florist.

I offered the browbeaten man a ride home, but he calmly explained that he lived only a few miles down the road and wanted to walk it off.

From time to time, I still wonder what became of that nameless groom who lost his list, his ride, and his bride on that crisp spring morning. I cant help but think of him whenever I spot other helplessor, perhaps more fittingly, haplessgrooms thrown headfirst into the treacherous waters of wedding planning. But then it wasnt long ago that I had only to look in my own mirror to see such a pitiful example.

There are many things that can and usually do go wrong for first-time grooms. Since youre hopefully going to walk down the aisle only once in your life, you have to get it right the first time. You cant count on dress rehearsals to help you become the perfect groom someday. To be sure, being a dream groom is an uncommon feat, and frankly, one not commonly attempted. But, as it likely will turn out, both you and your fiance will ultimately benefit from your willingness to boldly go where few men have gone before.

By now you probably have observed the many ways in which planning a wedding is among the most stressful and emotionally involving experiences of a womans life. For the men who choose to go along on that journey, theres no end to the fascination of its mystifying twists and turns.

INSIDE THE MIND OF THE MARRYING FEMALE

Before we can address the new role of the contemporary groom, we must first understand the realities facing the contemporary bride, an extraordinary individual confronting even more extraordinary challenges.