Laaser - Shattered vows: hope and healing for women who have been sexually betrayed

Debra Laaser

Shattered Vows

Hope and Healing

for Women

Who Have Been

Sexually Betrayed

To my twin sister, Barbara Mauro,
who lost her battle with colon cancer
as I was in the final stages of editing this book.

ZONDERVAN

SHATTERED VOWS

Copyright 2008 by Debra Laaser

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of Zondervan.

ePub Edition January 2009 ISBN: 978-0-310-54194-3

Requests for information should be addressed to:

Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Laaser, Debra.

Shattered vows : hope and healing for women who have been sexually
betrayed / Debra Laaser.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN-13: 978-0-310-27394-3

1. Adultery. 2. Wives Psychology. 3. Marriage. 4. Marriage Religiousaspects Christianity. I. Title.

HQ806.L28 2008

248.8'435 dc22

2007026419

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Scripture quotations marked TLB are taken from The Living Bible, copyright 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

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Contents

If someone had told me twenty years ago that the adversity in my life would one day birth a book about sexual betrayal, I would have said they were crazy. Despite my best efforts to remain in the shadows of folks who have more formal training, God seemed to keep seeking me out through some very special people to write a book that would serve hurting women.

I wish to thank Jennifer Cisney, a friend and colleague at the American Association of Christian Counselors who created the first safe platform for me to tell my story publicly. With her gentle encouragement and interview skills, she walked me into the world of videotaping that began my coming out. By reviewing reels of videotapes that she had collected of our work together, she penned the beginning of my story so I could get started. Jennifer has been a cheerleader of my journey for years and the impetus for my writing.

I have a deep appreciation and love for my best friend and twenty-year business partner, Mary Munger. She was the first one on the scene when my life appeared shattered from sexual betrayal. And she has lived through more of my thoughts, feelings, highlights, and lowlights than anyone else I know. She is an angel in disguise with bits of wisdom that f low in every conversation. I remember when I first told her I would be writing this book, I said, Im really afraid to go back and relive all of those shattered years. She wisely responded, Deb, Im sure it will be difficult, but at least this time you will know the outcome. Her gifts surround my writing space to remind me of what I can do. Thank you, Mary, for being such a devoted friend.

I have also been blessed by Johna Hale a spiritual mentor and friend who led me through the difficult transition from my secular career to my ministry with women. She also held me up in prayer through the emotional process of writing and kept me focused on Gods desire that I share my experience, strength, and hope with other women.

Elizabeth Griffin agreed to join me in 2001 to cofacilitate process groups for women at our center for healing. With her twenty-five years of experience working in the field of sexual offending and addiction and my personal experience as a recovering wife of an addict, we became a dynamic team to serve women. Elizabeth has been a teacher, supporter, and friend, and to her credit, I have grown immensely as we have worked together. Many of my insights for this book developed as we taught and led our womens groups.

I am reminded of the great love of both my parents and Marks parents as I write. From both of their marriages, I witnessed staying and persevering. I know that their mentoring of long marriages is what kept me figuring it out rather than running away in those early months of pain. My parents have celebrated over sixty years of marriage, and I so appreciate all that they have done to sustain a committed relationship and to demonstrate that a family is worth fighting for.

I would not be here writing as a transformed woman had it not been for the years of therapy with Maureen Graves. She is the most gifted therapist I have ever known. And I am quite sure that Mark and I were led by God to Maureen and Tom Graves as part of his master plan for our lives. There are no words to describe my gratitude for the presence and gentleness that Maureen brought to my healing. She knows every nook and cranny of my soul! If there is ever a woman I seek to emulate, it would be Maureen.

I feel privileged to have Sandy Vander Zicht as my editor. Sandy approached me many years ago I think it was actually ten! and encouraged me to write a book for women. Several times we talked, she prayed over me and patiently waited for Gods timing. When I accepted Gods nudge to be a spokesperson for hurting women, Sandy assured me that I was the right woman to write this book. Having Sandy believe in me when it was hard to believe in myself was a great gift.

My collaborative writer, Traci Mullins, became the wind beneath my wings. Introduced to me by Sandy Vander Zicht, Traci was my companion, friend, editorial expert, and writing therapist! With wit and patience, she coached me to find my writing rhythm and confidence in my writing abilities. She walked with me hand in hand to birth my first book and a birthing process it was! I will be forever indebted to Traci for her professional gifts as a writer as well as her personal gifts as a friend.

I have a full heart as I think of many others who have supported me as a person and encouraged my writing, speaking, and support of women: Patrick Carnes, Jennifer Schneider, Mike and Linda Richards, Tim Clinton, Daniel Amen, Carol and Darv Smith, Heidi Brizendine, Eli Machen, and Dave Carder are just a few. I am thankful for the hundreds of women and couples who have shared the most intimate details and struggles of their lives with me during my years of being a hope bearer for them. Their stories have clarified my wisdom about the healing journey from sexual betrayal and reminded me of Gods faithfulness to transform us if we are willing to be led through the pain.