Janis A. Spring - After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

Contents

To my best buddies,

Aaron, Max, and Michael

Contents

When I first started giving workshops in couples therapy, Id leave fifteen minutes at the end to discuss the treatment of infidelity. Gradually, as it became clear that virtually nothing had been written on how to help couples who were trying to recover from an affair, I decided to focus my talks and private practice on this topic, and to write this book.

At first, I got mixed reactions. Patients and therapists said, Great. When can I get a copy? Friends said, How exciting. Lets have a party. Acquaintances said, Thank God this has nothing to do with me. Publishers and editors said, Yes, theres definitely a need for such a book, but will anyone be brave enough to pick it up and bring it to the cashier? While I was looking for an editor, I found that more than one was afraid to touch it for fear that it would stir up problems in their relationships. I have a good marriage, one editor told me. Im afraid this material will infect us. Fortunately, once HarperCollins bought the book, and my husband, Michael, agreed to help me write it, everyone seemed to stand behind it.

I never knew what it meant, or took, to write a book. Now I know. And now, every time I walk into a bookstore or library, I am in awe of the incredible expenditure of time and energy so many people make just to put their ideas into print.

I went into this project thinking I was an expert, but the more I interviewed and treated couples, the more I learned. As Anna says in The King and I, By your pupils you are taught. By listening to my patients and others who have endured a betrayal or who have had affairs themselves, I came to understand how individuals cope with and resolveor fail to resolvetheir infidelity crises. Their candor and self-scrutiny made it possible for me to recognize patterns in what people experience and what they need to heal.

There are many people Id like to thank for helping me bring this book to completion, including those mentors and colleagues who trained me. When I was just out of graduate school, Dr. Aaron T. Beck, founder of cognitive therapy, let me sit by his side and observe him supervising students at the Center for Cognitive Therapy. He taught me when to intervene and when to remain silent, when to critique a belief and when to leave it alone. He provided a model of therapy and a career for me that has helped me become an effective therapist. I also was fortunate to be supervised by Dr. David D. Burns, who taught me with humor and ingenuity many strategies to help people change. I extend deep appreciation to Dr. Jeffrey Young, who integrated cognitive therapy with other established models and significantly expanded its effectiveness in dealing with more intractable clinical problems. He combed through sections of this manuscript, offering detailed comments about how our childhood affects who we are today. My thanks to Dr. Richard Stuart, Dr. Neil Jacobson, Dr. Norman Epstein, Dr. Don Baucom, Dr. Chris Padesky, and Dr. David Brickerall of whom have furthered my application of cognitive-behavioral principles to the treatment of distressed couples. Im also indebted to Dr. Kathryn E. Hertlein and Dr. Kimberly Young for providing current references on cybersex affairs and addiction.

Claire Quigley at the Westport Public Library and Kristina Coop of the University of North Carolina provided much needed library and research assistance.

When everyone else was still debating the salability of this book, my agent, Chris Tomasino, stood by me and encouraged me. She also read every word of the manuscript and offered astute editorial suggestions. Her assistant, Jonathan Diamond, was always available to help me.

I thank Peternelle van Arsdale and Janet Goldstein, my editors at HarperCollins, for shepherding me through this process. My gratitude also to Clio Manuelian, my publicist, for her contagious enthusiasm; Kristen Auclair for managing countless editorial details.

A special thanks to Gail Winston, my friend and editor for all three editions. Thanks also to Maya Ziv and Alicia Tan, her assistants, and Diane Burrows for their invaluable support.

Also, I thank with all my heart:

My parents, Dolly and Louis Lieff, for years of sacrifice to give me a great education, and for encouraging me to develop my own separate voice.

My brother, Joel, for being a kind soul and always looking out for me.

My stepchildren, Declan and Evan, for their wisdom, and for all the good times weve shared together, away from the computer.

My children, Max and Aaron, who have brought laughter and meaning to my life. Im so lucky to have lived these years with them by my side.

And my husband, Michael: Is there any activity more intimate than writing a book with someone? I respect (and envy) his perfectionistic eye and extraordinarily clear mind. Ill miss those hours sitting elbow to elbow with him at the computer, fighting fiercely over a word or concept. I thank him for the ton of time he gave this manuscript, and for his wonderful good nature, which kept us going.

Can a Couple Survive Infidelity?

As a clinical psychologist who has been treating distressed couples for forty-three years, I answer yesprovided that each of you is willing to look honestly at yourself and at your partner, and acquire the skills you need to see yourself through this shattering crisis.

It may help to remind yourself that youre not alone. Statistics vary widely, but according to one of the most recent and reputable studies, as many as 37 percent of married men and 20 percent of married women have been unfaithful.

WHAT CONSTITUTES AN AFFAIR?

Must an affair be coital? What about a kiss? What about lunch?

I dont try to answer these questions because, in the end, what matters is what matters to you. A breach of trust depends entirely on what you agreed toor thought you agreed to. Virtually all of you would feel betrayed by a partner who had intercourse with a third person, whether during a one-night stand or as part of a long-term emotional entanglement. But many of you would also feel betrayed, and certainly threatened, by other intimate behaviorsa hug, say, or the sending of a sexually explicit email. Five years ago a patient of mine named Sharon sent a semi-naked picture of herself to an old boyfriend. They never went further, but the husband has been struggling with this violation ever since.

In this third edition, Ive added a chapter on relationship challenges not previously addressed. Here I present personal struggles presented by my patients, followed by my concrete recommendations for healing.

THREE JUDGMENTS I DONT MAKE

1. I dont make blanket judgments about whether affairs are, in themselves, good or bad. What may be enhancing for one of you may devastate the other, and destroy the relationship. I have found, however, that a continuing affair, without the consent of both partners, perpetuates the dysfunction in a relationship and makes the forging of an intimate attachment virtually impossible. If youre an unfaithful partner who is serious about reconnecting, you must, I believe, give up your lover.

2. I dont separate the two of you into victim and victimizer, betrayed and betrayer. Each of you must accept an appropriate share of responsibility for what went wrong. Rather than assign blame, I encourage each of you to confront those parts of yourself that led to the affair, and to change in ways that rebuild trust and intimacy. That doesnt mean I hold you equally accountable for the affairno one can make another person stray. But I do ask you both to be accountable for whatever space you created that made room for another person to come between you.

3. I dont suggest that you should stay together no matter what, or bolt just because you feel unhappy.