Bruce David - Cupcakes Are Not a Diet Food

Cupcakes are Not a DietFood

A collection of true, funny, short storieswritten by four sisters, and a few thousand words from the wisewritten by a brother

By

Brenda Kennedy

Carla Evans

Martha Farmer

Rosa Jones

and

David Bruce

***

This book is dedicated to every woman who hasever dieted.

We hope that everyone to whom this book isdedicated buys a copy.

SMASHWORDS EDITION

Copyright 2016

By

Brenda Kennedy

Carla Evans

Martha Farmer

Rosa Jones

and

David Bruce

***

Chapter One: Lets Talk About Diets, byBrenda Kennedy

Preface

First, I want to say I am NOT a dietitian, ora nutritionist. I wish I were. If I were, maybe dieting would havebeen easier for me. Im just a fat girl who thought it would befunny to write a book about my personal weight-loss failures. Ifyou cant laugh at yourself, then who can you laugh at? Not TaylorSwift. Shes skinny. This is not a book about telling you whatdiets work and what diets dont work. This book is strictly writtento talk about my failures and the things that I know do NOT workfor ME.

At age 52, I believe that I have tried andfailed at every diet out there. If I didnt try it, its because Iread a book on it, and I knew I would fail at it before I everstarted.

I was born and raised in the era wherefasting was an effective form of dieting. When did starvation everbecome a good idea? You would lose some weight, but trust me, itwas very short lived. As soon as you started to eat again, theweight would latch on and return, bringing more weight with it inretaliation.

This book is written with humor in mind. Itis NOT an educational tool by any means. Ive been dieting for aslong as I can remember and I wanted to share my not-so-productiveadventure with you.

Things I have learned along the way is a gallon of ice cream is NOT a single serving. Wine is NOT a servingof fruit, and cupcakes are NOT a diet food, even if they are madewith real strawberries.

I hope you enjoy the story of my dietingdisasters.

Lets Talk About Carbs

I remember the first time Ithought I was fat. I was in my twenties and had given birth to mythird child, Bo, who I believe was six months old. (No, not when he was born. Six months after he wasborn.) I was 53 and weighed 134 pounds. I was standing outside ofour apartment talking to a friend and she readily agreed that yes,I was indeed fat. I wish now that I was as heavy as I was when Ifirst thought I was overweight.

Back then my life was arollercoaster and I didnt need to diet to lose unwanted weight. Idivorced and instantly became thin. Then I was in a newrelationship and again gained some unwanted weight. During thecourting period with my now-husband Rex, my weight would rise andfall depending on how our relationship went. We had a very rockystart and when we married on October 22 nd , 1988, my wedding dress was asize five. To be a size five again, I think I would be too thin,especially at my age now. But in a size five, I looked and feltgreat in my twenties.

I remember when I reallyknew I had an overweight problem. Rex and I moved to Florida onApril 26 th , 2006. It was a great move. We both had great jobs, the sunwas shining everyday, and the winters were warm. Life was grand.One night in October, Rex and I got into this huge fight and hecalled me a fat ass! I was shocked and hurt, even if it was thetruth. By this time I weighed 176 pounds and being a short girl, Iknew he was right. I was fat. But so was he. What right did he haveto call me that?

So, you know what I did? Yep, thats right. Idieted and I lost the weight. It wasnt easy, but every time Ithought back to his fat ass sitting on the couch eating, I wasmore and more determined to lose the weight and show him who thefat one was.

I was a nurse and worked at a prison in LakeCity, Florida. I worked with a thin, cute girl named Amanda. Amandawas also from Ohio but was much younger, prettier, and thinner thanI was. I loved her. She had spunk and will power, and she was oneof the sweetest girls I ever met. We worked well together andbecame instant friends. I guess when you work twelve-hour shiftswith someone, they do tend to grow on you. We were more like familythan co-workers.

We got to talking, and she told me that shewas heavy when she was in high school. I couldnt believe it so shebrought in a picture of her in her senior year of high school. Yep,Amanda was once a fat girl. When I asked her how she lost herweight, she told me she told herself she didnt like snake cakes.One day, she actually believed it.

Well, what works for one does not always workfor another. I told myself everyday for two weeks that I didntlike snack cakes, candy bars, or potato chips. The more I toldmyself that, the hungrier I became and the more I craved snackcakes, candy bars, and yes, potato chips. I love that kind of shit,and I knew telling myself I didnt like it wouldnt be enough. Ineeded a diet, and it had to be a diet I could do.

While I was starving myselfto be thin, Amanda was eating and snacking. She would bring in nuts, cheese sticks,pepperoni rolls, and even three pieces of Starburst candy. See,working night shift as a nurse in a prison, we had some downtime inthe late night hours. We got to talking again and she told me shedoesnt eat carbs. Thats a lie. Carbs are in almost everything.She told me she tried to stay away from all carbs. We talked aboutthe foods she ate daily and the foods she never eats. Birthday cakebeing one of the things she never eats. Hell no. I was born andraised that you have to have a piece of birthday cake for luck. Ihave no idea if this is true, but I wasnt about to find out if itwasnt. Besides, I loved birthday cake. I took notes as Amandatalked. The faster she talked, the faster I wrote. I honestly andtruly believed I could also do the low-carb diet. Breads and pastaare bad carbs, while fruits and veggies are good carbs.

I bought books and eagerlyresearched everything I could on this new-to-me diet. Bound anddetermined, as opposed to the book, whichwas bound and paginated, I went to the store and bought everythingon my list of things I could eat. I was so excited because I knewthis was something I could do. I even bought the whipped cream inthe can, because believe it or not, whipped cream was low to nocarbs. Hell yes, this was a diet I could excel at, I just knewit.

I did the low-carb diet andthe first two days were fine. Rex and I went out for breakfast onemorning, and I had my list of things I could and couldnt eat. Ineeded the list because I still couldnt remember everything. I satat the booth and anxiously ordered my breakfast. Two eggs overeasy, three slices of bacon, and white toast. Wait, I cant havetoast. Ill have biscuits. Nope, I cant have bread. NO BREAD!Nothing to soak up my runny yolks with? What will I do? Rex? He did this. He knewI would want toast. He planned this all along. I smiled and told the waitress, No bread. Just the bacon andeggs, please.

Would you like grits orhome fries?

Hell yes, I want hash brownsand home fries, and hot cakes and syrup, and toast. No, thank you, I said politely instead. Shes in on it with Rex. Its aconspiracy.

I sat there at the booth andpouted. I added the creamer and Splenda to my coffee and stirred. Icould still at least enjoy my coffee, and my Mountain Dew, even ifit was diet. I watched the waitress and Rex and wondered if theyrein cahoots. Im being ridiculous. I wanted toast with my eggs and Im acting like achild. This wouldnt be the only time I would be childish over thelack of foods I love to eat and couldnteat. When the food came to the table, I almost ordered toast untilRexs words fat ass replayed over and over in my head, justlike a record stuck on repeat. I watched as Rex buttered hishotcakes and added real maple syrup to them. He added salt andpepper to his hash browns, and real sugar to his coffee. At thatmoment, joy smacked me in my face. While I was dieting and gettingthinner, Rex was eating and gaining more weight. Whos the fat ass now? Itwas all the motivation I needed to make this low-carb dietwork.