Carl Alasko Ph. D - Emotional bullshit: the hidden plague that is threatening to destroy your relationships-and how to stop it
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An invisible disease is affecting every aspect of your life. Insidious and creeping, it shapes you everyday from the bedroom to the boardroom, from your shopping splurge, to the extra helping at your holiday dinner, to the dangerous liaison at work. Its called emotional bullshit, and its encroaching on your happiness. In Emotional Bullshit: The Hidden Plague That Is Threatening to Destroy Your Relationships AND HOW TO STOP IT, Carl Alasko, Ph. D. sheds light on the stealth disease of Emotional BS: that is, the Toxic Trio of denial, delusion and blame that we fall back on when faced with difficult situations. These three dynamics work together to distort and manipulate truth, create a delusional reality, and shift blame when things fall apart. With the toxic trio in action, its all but impossible to get at the heart of the problem. The result, however, is obvious no one can achieve happiness and fulfillment. And when used in the world of business, Emotional BS can lead to financial ruin. In his over twenty years working with individuals, couples and families as a psychotherapist, Dr. Alasko has come to recognize the same problem underlying all his patients unhappiness. When confronted with an unpleasant or inconvenient reality, they fall prey to the TOXIC TRIO: DENIAL: My girlfriend enjoys a good time at parties, sure. But she doesnt have a drinking problem. Decoded: There is no problem. Everything is okay. Youre exaggerating See: the drinker, the overweight, the wallet full of maxed-out credit cards (pg 12) DELUSION: Working late isnt a problem. My family will understand when I get that big promotion. Decoded: Ill tell you whats true. Dont believe what you see believe me. See: the demanding boss, the neglected partner, the alienated friend (pgs 63, 138) BLAME: She knew I hated sloppiness when she married me. Why cant she pick up after herself Decoded: Youre the problem. I was forced to do it; I had no choice. See: the clean freak, sub-prime mortgages, Napoleon Bonaparte (pgs 45, 84) When the Toxic Trio works together, we become stuck in a cycle of emotional BS, preventing us from moving on or learning from our mistakes. Emotional bullshits pervasiveness in society can be found everywhere, from rising divorce rates, weight gain, and debt, to angry outbursts at work, loss of control over our children, and a lack of fulfillment in our lives. The solution is deceptively simple: You focus on your Core Needs, which is any behavior that advances your long-term best interest, and ask yourself the Master QuestionWhat do I need from this situation. Honestly addressing the larger issue not just in the short term cuts the BS in every relationship: between friends, co-workers, couples, in parenting and especially in business. Frank, concise and unapologetic, EMOTIONAL BULLSHIT sheds light on this hidden plague, and provides concrete advice to keep it from infiltrating your relationships.
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Table of Contents
JEREMY P. TARCHER/PENGUIN a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. New York
This book is dedicated to my teachers:
Barrie Simons
Maurizio Andolfi
Pia Mellody
Selwa Said
Maurizio Andolfi
Pia Mellody
Selwa Said
Introduction
The Hidden Plague That Destroys Relationships
An undetected plague is destroying millions of human relationships. And its spreading.
I call this plague Emotional Bullshit. Its a psychological and emotional disease that is wreaking havoc within all our relationships, from the most private to the most public. It operates without our knowledge or consent, and its toxic effects are expanding to an unprecedented degree. Look around at the casualties:
A couple has less than one chance in three of having their marriage reach its fortieth anniversary. One in three.
Half of all divorces are filed in the first seven years of marriage. And more than 60 percent of couples report serious difficulties with emotional and sexual satisfaction.
In the past decade, seven times as many children require powerful medications just to stay in school. One-third of all children dont graduate from high school, and their emotional disorders are multiplying by factors of ten.
In adults, rates of depression, insomnia, obesity and high blood pressure are soaring. Stress from pressures at work are creating a new and serious range of health, family and parenting problems.
The news is not getting better. From the bedroom to the boardroom, more people are complaining about difficulty in their relationships. Its harder to begin one, and a lot more difficult to maintain one.
Yes, there are islands of sanity and many people do say that they are satisfied. But why are some relationships loving and fulfilling while so many others are not? How do you know when your relationship is successful?
Heres the most important question: How can you tell if your life is permeated with the hidden disease of Emotional BS? This book will decisively answer this question.
In his best-selling Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman refers to a spreading emotional malaise. He contends that our ignorance about how emotions work is leading to the erosion of our happiness and life-satisfaction. Goleman proposes that truly understanding our feelings is a way to improve our relationships, both individual and collective.
And so do I. But Im presenting an entirely new approach that goes beyond only understanding emotions. This method shows you how to stop being dominated by fear, anger, pain and anxietythe basic feelings that run Emotional Bullshit.
I provide a workable, absolutely practical solution so you will be able to effectively slay this dragon once and forever. All your relationshipsespecially the one with yourselfcan become profoundly happier and more fulfilling.
But more on this later. First, lets tackle some frequently asked questions that surround Emotional BS.
Hasnt bullshit always been with us? Is it really that harmful? As we all know, bullshit refers to deception, a distortion of truth, and a manipulation of reality for a self-serving purposeand its absolutely always been with us. Ever since the serpent convinced Eve to add apples to her menu, trickery has been an effective way to line things up in ones favor.
Its an intrinsic part of human nature to exaggerate virtues and minimize defects in order to make ourselves look better. And its so easy to justify! We tell ourselves: Whats the harm in using a little deception to move things along?
Whats the harm? Bluntly, it doesnt work. Its a short-term solution that usually backfires. As a long-term strategy, it always falls apart. And it certainly does not build trust.
BS can be an outright lie to hide a dangerous mistake or a dangerous liaison. Its territory ranges from the phony compliment to gain favor, to cooking the books to gain riches. Think Enron and subprime mortgages.
The problem, therefore, is a matter of degree. As well as context.
However, Emotional Bullshit is so incredibly dangerous because it directly affects our relationships. The casual fib has mutated into a pervasive way of life. Its undermining the social contract that equates well-being, security and love with the most fundamental qualities we all need: trust, honesty and responsibility. Unacknowledged until now, its the stealth disease that is at the root of what Goleman calls our emotional malaise.
How can bullshit be emotional? Bullshit becomes emotional when deceit and manipulation generate the powerful negative feelings of anxiety, anger, fear and pain.
When your most precious relationships are manipulated or distorted, and reality becomes twisted by deception, how do you feel? Angry? Anxious? Confused? Fearful? Inevitably your life becomes contaminated with uncertainty, you feel cheated and deceived, and the natural reaction is a long list of negative emotions.
So instead of waking up to an ordinary day confident and secure about your connections to your spouse, partner, children, boss and friends, you actually begin the day confused, dispirited and assailed by doubt. When the emotions of BS run your life, your happiness is seriously diminished, and the way ahead appears muddled and desperate.
How does Emotional BS actually work? Heres a quick description of how Emotional BS fills a relationship with toxic energy and negative emotions.
The three components of Emotional BS are denial, delusion and blame. I refer to them as the Toxic Trio because they always work together, always keeping us from seeing and understanding what were doing. Whenever theyre in action, our relationships cannot be satisfying, happy and fulfilling.
The three components express themselves in the following ways:
denial: ignores or minimizes an essential factor a responsibility.
delusion: creates an alternate (more favorable) reality. When things fall apart,
blame shifts the responsibility onto someone or something else.
Result: feelings of love, respect and trust diminish, and eventually disappear altogether.
As things fall apart, our desperation intensifies. We cant tell which direction the denial, delusion and blame are coming from. Whos the perpetrator? Is it her, him, them? Am I using Emotional BS on others? Worse, am I doing it to myself?
We dont know whats happening because the first dynamic, denial, refuses to acknowledge an essential fact. Then delusion throws up a smoke screen of distorted reality. And, of course, someone else is to blame. Personal responsibility is avoided.
At the very least, in the most benign examples of Emotional BS, something just doesnt feel right. At worst, were hopelessly entangled in an impenetrable maze of denial, delusion and blame. We feel threatened and undermined, rather than supported and loved.
The negative results accumulate. The process is incremental and self-perpetuating because once we start to use the Toxic Trio, the inevitable consequence is a surge of the four negative emotionsanxiety, anger, pain and fearwhich keep us stuck in the same seamlessly replicating process.
And because thats all we know how to do. Its a psychological Ponzi scheme that always requires more capital to keep from collapsing under the weight of its own deception. This cycle is deeply embedded in our lives. Ignorant of its dynamics, were at the mercy of repeating the same behaviors that havent worked in the past and will not work in the future.
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