Puhn - Fight less, love more: 5-minute conversations to change your relationship without blowing up or giving in

To my husband, Dave, you are my best friend and the love of my life.

To my son, Blake, and my daughter, Emma, I didnt know what I was missing until I had both of you. I am so blessed to be your mother.

To my parents, Ellen and Howard, whose marriage provides an inspiration for this book and especially to my mother, whose vision helped make this book a reality.

YOUR RELATIONSHIP HAS many redeeming qualities. How you and your partner communicate may not be one of them. By now, youve probably had more than enough pain, confusion, fighting, and misunderstanding. If youre like my clients, you may have reached the point where a lack of appreciation, respect, or intimacy may be threatening your relationship. The distance between you and your partner may seem so great that you no longer care whether he or she is home or away, coming or going, asleep or awake.

Well, I have some good news: This book can help you fix that. The 5-minute conversations and communication strategies youll learn will help you create the relationship you want, or reclaim the loving relationship you used to have.

But before we move forward its important that you agree to a few goals and responsibilities. In order to be successful, you must:

• Sincerely want to fight less and love your partner more. This means that right now, in this moment, you hold tightly to the hope that your relationship can and will be improved. You are ready to make your relationship your number one priority, if you havent already.
• Accept responsibility for guiding change in your relationship.
• Agree to devote 5 minutes a day to practicing your new communication skills.

If you are able to enthusiastically commit to these guidelines, lets begin the journey to a better relationship. I will meet you where you are and guide you to where you want to be. Consider today the first day in a new, improved relationship!

So get comfortable and lets dig in. Our journey will include lots of revelatory moments that might cause you to laugh at some of the thoughtless things you and your partner have said and done. Or you may tear up when you recall the harsh, selfish, or hurtful comments you have received or made.

With each bit of insight you gain about your relationship, you will also move closer to a powerful answer to the question Where did our love go and how can we get it back? With that knowledge, you will know exactly which areas of your relationship you need to focus on to revitalize your relationship. With straight talk and practical solutions, Fight Less, Love More will help you stop your old, negative verbal habits and start new, positive ones. And as you set what youve learned into motion, you will be shocked to see your relationship transform before your eyes.

There is no guesswork involved here: The change happens right away. I promise that you will see results within the first 24 hours. You will create your own transformation and it will impact your mate immediately, influencing him or her to say and do things to continue the cycle of love that you initiated.

This book is equally relevant for everyone: young or old, male or female, those at the beginning of a great relationship, couples in the thick of it who know it could be better, and even those who feel that there is no hope left for their relationship. No matter who you are or where your relationship falls on this spectrum, a more satisfying, reenergized love awaits you.

Start reading. Start learning. Start doing.

And expect a new beginning.

IN THE BEGINNING, when your love was new, you probably thought your mate was the best thing that had ever happened to you. You couldnt get enough of each other. You both felt valued, appreciated, and loved. Even your friends and families commented on what a wonderful couple you made. But something seems to have happened to your perfect match. Your mate treats you with less respect and consideration than he used toless than he shows friends and colleagues. Frustration and anger often creep into your conversations, and the next thing you know, youre fighting. Again. You know that you are both good people and that you love one another, but somehow you have ended up in a bad relationship. Where did it all go wrong?

Until now, you may have been hoping that your relationship would turn around on its own. But we both know that wont happen. There will be no turnaround until one of you identifies the problem and takes steps toward resolving it. And since youre the one with the book in your hands, youll need to be the first person to own that responsibility.

If you want a better relationship tomorrow, the work begins today. Its time to do something wonderful for yourself, your partner, and your relationship. There are no more buts about it!

If this excuse resonates with you, youre probably thinking, Im worried were too far gone. We cant turn this thing around. Maybe were just destined to be unhappy. Maybe we should never have gotten together in the first place. Those are all excuses that take the pressure off you. After all, why try to fix something that is beyond repair?

But heres the thing: Even the best couples fall into bad relationship habits. Most of us just want to love and be loved. We want relationships filled with respect and appreciation as well as passion. Yet weve never been taught the verbal skills we need to use to give and get that kind of love. Without this training, in our noble pursuit of that love, we say and do things that cause the opposite to happen. We one-up each other, poke and prod about flaws, and demand the last word. We make thoughtless word choices that come back to haunt us. We unintentionally (and sometimes intentionally) turn conversations into conflicts. We yell and scream in our quest for love, or we do just the opposite-give in and hold in our feelings to avoid arguments.

Today, you will obtain a new lens through which to view your relationship and your conversations with your mate. This lens will help you to see clearly the weak verbal habits that are sabotaging your relationship. Youll also receive the tools you need to restructure your words so you can rebuild your love. You will become a better person and a better role model for your children. Be hopefulyour best days are right in front of you!

My uncle Joes experience with dieting offers a stark illustration of how incorrect information and a lack of awareness can block someone from getting what he wants. Joe, who has been overweight all his life and hardly ever diets, had attempted a diet for 2 weeks and was upset because he had lost only 2 pounds. What are you eating? I asked him. A lot of salads and chicken and no desserts, he said. That seemed like a reasonable plan. What kinds of salads do you eat? I asked. I was shocked when he told me, I eat Caesar salad, Cobb salad, things like that, with my chicken. You know, the basics. There it was. Joe couldnt lose weight because he didnt know which salads were low calorie. Similarly, most couples I work with simply dont know which verbal skills work for them and which work against them. For example, one spouse might think that dispensing advice like Its cold outside, you need a jacket, You should join a gym, or Heres what you should say to your boss shows love and connection. Yet in reality, offering unwanted advice can be a verbal disaster that breeds resentment.