Roney - The Nest Newlywed Handbook

Copyright 2006 by The Knot, Inc.

All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Clarkson Potter Publishers, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com
www.clarksonpotter.com

Clarkson N. Potter is a trademark and Potter and colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Roney, Carley.
The Nest newlywed handbook : an owners manual for modern married life / Carley Roney and the editors of The nest.1st ed.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
1. Marriage. 2. Married peopleLife skills guides. I. Nest (Online). II. Title.
HQ734.R725 2006
646.78dc22 2006003965

eISBN: 978-0-385-34461-6

Illustrations by Jason OMalley

v3.1

Heres what weve learned in the few years weve all been married and since we started TheNest.com: Being married is twice the undertaking of getting married! First of all, most people dont know how to do half the things that are required of married peoplefrom figuring out what to call their in-laws to deciding which neighborhood to live in for the next twenty years. Second, most couples assume this marriage thing runs itself. Big surpriseit actually requires major work (fun work, but work nonetheless). Third, being married today is just different. Everyone has different expectations of the roles they are supposed to play, or worse yet, the roles they expect you to play, and this all needs to be sorted out pretty early to get things off on the right foot.

Why do we think the world needs an owners manual for marriage? Because learning how to do the grown-up marriage thing is a big project. It turns out you dont just say I do and find yourself magically imbued with the collective knowledge of everyone whos gotten married before you. No, it turns out that youyes, you, the funloving, reality-TV-addicted couple who still feel like two college kidshave to figure out how to buy insurance, split trash duty, and time your first baby all by yourselves. Eek!

The good news? Youre not completely alone. Youve got us! And weve got thousands of married couples who shared their hard-won knowledge to help us develop this book. Inside, youll find seven of the most challenging, hardest-to-tackle issues that face newly-weds. Not only will we give you a preview of whats ahead, well actually give you tools for dealing with these issues, whether youre already overwhelmed by them or wont stumble across them for a few years. Well also provide some talking points to get the conversational ball rolling about these important topics.

The first big challenge? Money. Its the biggest stressor for Americans, and becoming a twosome doesnt make things any easier. Youve got to consider your financial goals, your actual capabilities, and your attitudes toward spending and savingnot just as an individual, but as a couple. When youve got different approaches in one or more categories (and you will), tensions can flare. It sounds like nitty-gritty, emotionally unimportant stuff, but many peoples senses of identity and self-worth are wrapped up in their finances, so leaving these problems unresolved can actually eat away at your new, otherwise-perfect marriage. That doesnt make cents! (Sorry.) But no matter your situation, will help you get organized, make the best choices for saving and investing, and work as a unit to reach your goals. Well also help you deal with the downright boring stuff, like taxes and insurance.

Whether you lived together for years before you got married or are sharing a mailing address for the first time, moving in is a huge rite of passage and adjustment for couples. Even for those who cohabitated, the process of moving in mentally marks the start of the real partnership. In , we give you a primer on living together: as roommates, lovers, and spouses. From choosing a decorating scheme that defines your home, to working out a schedule for actually cleaning the darn thing, weve got worksheets and ideas to make even the most abstract concepts seem simple. And well walk you through the myriad milestones of being a grown-up couple: buying a home, having houseguests, hosting a party.

Something strange happens when you become half of a married couple (besides having to share your TiVo, we mean). Your swinging social lifethe network of friends, interests, and activities that makes you youbecomes our social life. Learning to balance dates with each other, time alone with friends, and your spouses obligations that you dont necessarily care for can be tough, but you dont have to take the fun out of social functions. works and what backfires as you set up a new routine as Mr. and Mrs.

Now to in-laws. Some in-laws are amazing; other in-laws are amazingly difficult. What makes in-law relations such a tricky part of marriage is that they havent evolved the way our relations with our own parents have. Some of us are best friends with our parents, speaking our minds on everything from pulled pork recipes to political power plays, others have perfected the art of tiptoeing around our repressed parents hot buttons or minimizing nonstop dramas. Whatever the case, its natural to expect the same kind of relationship with the in-laws. Heres a hard cold fact: They are not your parents. They never will be. Whatever your parents style, youve had decades to learn how best to deal with theman advantage you simply dont have during high-tension times with the in-laws. Our best advice here is to go ultra-traditional. Your key to success is being the worlds best (read: most diplomatic) daughter- or son-in-lawand simply dealing. We dont mean that you cant create some boundaries or have to go over every time they ask (and we have lots of tips for creatively handling just these types of situations). But we do mean that you need to welcome them with open arms on Sunday afternoon even if you were waiting all week to watch the game. You need to bite your tongue when your MIL gives you more tips on improving your cooking. You need to learn not to take these things personally. Every family has its own quirks and ideas of the only right way to cut carrots/load the dishwasher/cure the common coldno matter how hard you try you are not going to change these things. You need to learn how to love or at least lovingly respect them. Well teach you all that in .