Jon Taffer - The Power of Conflict

To my grandson Rhett: I hope you always stand up for yourself and those things that are important to you.

If you have ever seen me on Bar Rescue or Marriage Rescue, my hit reality shows about saving failing bars and troubled marriages, you could be forgiven for thinking that I am just a naturally in-your-face kind of guy. You probably noticed that there is always at least one moment in an episode where I get into someones space and start yelling. I am big, loud, and intensea physically imposing and intimidating presenceso most would assume that being combative is my go-to reflex. But they would be wrong. In fact, I am almost always calculating about how and when I go there. The passion is real because I care deeply about helping these people, but the emotion is underpinned with a kind of science. I leverage these verbal explosions to move the needle in the direction I want it to go. And they work, every time.

Ive used the power of conflict instinctively for years. But it wasnt until recently, as I was watching dozens of brave souls stand up for their beliefs in a challenging political and social climate, that it struck me just how necessary conflict is for a free and healthy society, and how fundamental my unique approach to confrontation has been to my overall success.

My first book, Raise the Bar: An Action-Based Method for Maximum Customer Reactions, taught business owners how to create and control the reactions of their customers to gain a business advantage. My second book, Dont Bullsh*t Yourself!: Crush the Excuses That Are Holding You Back, gave general readers some bare-knuckled methods for being honest with themselves and pushing past the blind spots toward positive action. Both books touched on aspects of conflict, including engaging with others and being honest with yourself. But they didnt tell the whole story. They didnt spell out the profoundly positive impact of conflict when you are willing to step into the arena and fight the good fight for what you know in your heart to be right. Everything I have done in my life and career has led me to the understanding that conflict is not only a good thing, its transformational.

This book is the result of this epiphany, and the place where I codify my signature Taffer Toolkit for Constructive Conflict. There is a smart, effective way to deal with any kind of confrontation. When a dispute arises or is provoked, there is a method that will enable you to manipulate the situation to get the results that you want. On these next pages, I will show you how, through a multitude of real-life circumstances from my own life and career, as well as anecdotes from others who mustered the courage to engage in conflict and make their case for the betterment of their own lives, and the lives of others. Of course, conflict is something that you use selectively and strategically. This is about the conscious, nonemotional practice of conflict, complete with rules of engagement to achieve a goal or fulfill an underlying purpose.

I feel a deep sense of urgency as I make this case for conflict and the constructive ways to engage in the chapters that follow. Never has the timing and content of a book Im authoring mattered more to me. We can no longer hide from the fight, because the world as we know it needs, and deserves, defending. For the sake of our children, our communities, and our country, we must be willing to enter the fray. The fight has finally come to us, and retreating is not an option. I am challenging you to speak your mind, because the time to start working on your conflict skills is now!

Why did we ever stop speaking up? Why did we stop defending and debating our ideals? And when did we become so conflict-avoidant that we cant even talk about the values that mean everything to us at the dinner table with our own families?

Sometimes we are too darn quiet. Our tendency to hold back has created a void that is filled by others who then drown out all that defines who we are. If we dont speak up and allow our voices to be heard, no minds will be changed and all that matters will be hijacked by the noisy minority, because silence no longer wins the day.

I understand why many of you may wish to run from the fight. When you suddenly find yourself on the wrong side of popular opinion, even when you are speaking the truth, it can be isolating and terrifying. Staying in line seems like the safer option, at least in the short term. But the necessity of defending your values, your livelihood, and even your life against the mob has never been greater.

In my role as a restaurateur and bar owner representing thousands of small businesses across America, Ive seen how corrupt individuals at the local and state government level, under the cover of COVID and emergency executive power, have made power grabs, singling out and punishing individuals whove tried to keep their businesses running, the lights on, and food on the tables for their children and their employees children.

We cannot be afraid to do battle for a righteous cause. If that means coming into conflict with others, so be it. Bring it on! Because the time has come to speak up with class, conviction, and grace. By no means am I suggesting that voicing our beliefs involves being a jerk on social media or engaging in personal or physical attacks. We are not in the business of destruction, and stealing individual dignity from one another does not accomplish our goals. Instead, I am talking about sticking up for what we believe in, in an honorable way. But that does not necessarily mean you should be soft or understated in the engagement. The time has come to turn up the volume!

So are you going to continue to watch silently, swallowing your principles as your disappointment in the way life is going eats away at your soul? Or will you join me on these next pages as we build up our conflict muscles to righteously step up and speak out?

You dont have to go full tilt as I sometimes do on my show. Sometimes the right decision is to not engage when you dont find a worthy opponent. Sometimes all it takes to speak your conscience is a calm, even tone bolstered by a set of irrefutable facts. There is a method to match any battle you may be facing.

In the following chapters, I will lay out my approach for mastering a strategic response to conflicthow to act affirmatively rather than react disproportionately. To leverage conflict deliberately, constructively, and productively, I argue that you need to assess the situation before acting upon it. Expect an array of strategies, as well as more granular techniques, like looking into the eyes of the person on the other side of the confrontation for the dilation of pupils, a telltale sign for exactly when to step into their space to land your point. Or when to say something encouraging or conciliatory, with a hand gently pressing on the shoulder, so that the person on the other side of the conflict will be taken off guard and more inclined to listen. I promise, you dont have to be a cigar-chomping loudmouth like me to be effective at conflict. These tools are accessible to anyone!

My aim is to build up your confidence step-by-step, so that boldly fighting for your principles will always be an option when that moment comes for you to face down the mob of one, or a thousand. So the next time someone tries to block, demean, or dismiss you, think about the stakes. But first, study the methods I will share with you on these next pages to make your case, hold your ground, and get the results you want. Because what you stand for matters. Your principles are always worth the fight.

Why constructive engagement is good for you.

One of the most explosive confrontations I experienced in my career happened while taping the third episode of the first season of my show