Lopez Rolland - The Cowards Guide to Conflict

Copyright 2003 by Timothy E. Ursiny

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Ursiny, Timothy E.

The cowards guide to conflict : Empowering solutions for those who would rather run than fight / by Timothy E. Ursiny.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

(pbk. : alk. paper)

1. Interpersonal conflict. 2. Conflict management. I. Title.

BF637.I48 U76 2003

303.6dc21

2002153631

In memory of my father, Kenneth Richard Ursiny. I wish that you were around to see this. Thank you for encouraging me to speak before audiences and for the friendship we developed as I grew older.

In memory of my grandmother, Imogene Nanny Vance. You were always so good to everyone around you. I wish more people in this world could be like you.

In memory of my sister Christi, who always longed for peace.

A big thank you to the team at Sourcebooks and to Dominique Raccah for being a publisher who truly cares about impacting the world. She has the heart, strength, and vision that any writer would yearn for from his publisher. For my editor, Jennifer Fusco, who has a gentle and encouraging spirit combined with incredible ability and professionalism. For Megan Dempster, who created a great cover design. Also, a big thanks to Judith Kelly, Maggy Tinucci, and Andy Sachs, and all of the publicity department for the support that they have given me that has already gone beyond my expectations. I thank you all for how you combine heart and quality with a love for books and what they can do for our world.

This book would not have been possible without the clients that I have had over the years. Your genuiness in sharing your stories has enriched my life. You are the best part of my work. You make it all worthwhile, fun, and meaningful. Thank you for sharing both your laughter and your tears.

My thanks to the extraordinary people at Personal Preference. You beautify homes with art, but you also beautify lives with your commitment to relationships. The work that we have done over the years has honed my skills and warmed my heart. I usually tested out my stories on you before putting them in the book. Your laughter and engagement guided me well. And special thanks to Jan Madori who has created a company that truly impacts peoples lives for the positive. Jan, you are a dear friend and an inspiration to me. You have supported my work every step of the way. Words cannot capture how grateful I am for all that you have done.

I also want to thank all of the coaches and staff at Advantage Coaching & Training for their steadfast support and encouragement in this project. All of you have been so great through all of this. We all deserve to celebrate this accomplishment together.

The friends that have given me encouragement in this project are too numerous to mention. You know who you are and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. However, a special thanks to Steve Johnson. Years ago, Steve encouraged me to start a little consulting practice on the side while I was trying to figure out what to do with my life. Obviously, this little consulting practice has turned into a lifes work and passion. Steve, you are a man of wisdom and you are always there for me. I appreciate it more than you know.

I would also like to thank my mother, Frances Knight, for instilling a loving heart in her son. Mom, your gentle spirit has always been a good model for me. Thank you for always teaching me that I could do great things.

None of this would mean a thing to me without the care and support of my family. My wife, Marla, has supported this dream for years, and continues to amaze me with her unconditional love, forgiveness, and random acts of kindness. Thanks, honey, for building intimacy by going through conflict and for continuing to build our lives together. Your love is my sanctuary. My sons bring light to my life. Zach, Colton, and Vance, you guys are the best. Thanks for playing with me even when I get home later than I said I would. You warm my heart when you all cry out Daddy when I walk through the door.

And God, I thank You as always for grace and blessings beyond what I deserve.

I hate conflict! I really do. Not just a little, but a lot. I hated it growing up, I hated it when I got married, and I hate it now that Im a psychologist and executive coach and corporate trainer. To me, there was never a need for conflict. We should all just hold hands and sing We Are the World and everything would be OK. So, despite all of my training, I have never grown to like conflict. However, I have grown to be very capable of dealing with it. Ive also grown to believe that conflict is actually (gasp) good at times. While I dont love it, I can appreciate the need for it and the actual benefits that can come from healthy disagreements.

If you picked up this book then you are probably someone like me. You hate it when someone is upset with you. You quickly tense up when someone raises his or her voice. You watch the news and just shake your head in disbelief at all of the hurt and anger in the world. Unfortunately, you and I can throw a thousand coins in a thousand wishing wells and we still cannot take conflict out of this world. So we can run, but we cannot hide! We can sprint, jog, scream, deny, avoid, and make any other desperate attempt to get away from conflict, but we cannot make conflict disappear from our lives. Conflict is a part of life. And, like it or not, you will have to deal with it in some way.

In my professional life I come across conflict all the time. For seven years I was a psychologist in private practice. During that time I learned just how lousy people were at dealing with conflict, especially married couples. However, I always assumed that my perceptions of how well people managed conflict were skewed. Perhaps my clients did not represent the norm. They were people who were having problems, so logically they would be worse than the average person in terms of dealing with conflict. Right? Good theory, but I could not have been more wrong. In 1997 I started Advantage Coaching & Training, Inc. and transitioned to being a personal and executive coach and trainer. In my coaching and training work I help people defeat blocks to their success and live more fulfilling lives. I basically act as a personal trainer for the mind. I help people bring out their best skills, attitudes, and actions so that they live conscious lives. I have dealt with individuals of all sortssmall business owners, CEOs of mid-sized companies, executives at Fortune 100 companies, just about all types of individualsand guess what? Most people are lousy at handling conflict. I dont care if you are a senior executive, a CEO, a maintenance engineer, or a home-schooling parent, human beings on the whole have a lot to learn when it comes to handling conflict.